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The verdicts roll in
Sports Illustrated senior writer John Garrity was a 42-year-old 8 handicapper when he suddenly lost his swing. Since December 1989 he has been looking for it -- a modern-day Odysseus adrift on the troubled waters of swing theory. As Garrity travels the world reporting on golf, he visits as many driving ranges as he can, avoiding the dreaded "mats only" ranges that prevent him from teeing it up. Thursday, Sept. 6 TULSA, Okla. -- A torrent of e-mail has arrived in the matter of Norris v. Garrity, and it looks as if I can continue to play without keeping score. "I find in favor of the defendant, John 'Q Public' Garrity," writes Jeff Bosh of Houston. "This David Norris character is obviously the kind of guy who never gets invited to a golf outing because nobody likes to play with a nitpicking bean counter. I'm not saying it's OK to tee it up out of the rough, but I am saying that Mr. Norris needs to get a life." "Innocent," echoes Chris Crowe of Richmond, Va. "As a golfing nation, what we are guilty of is agonizingly slow play." Glen Harris of Atlanta is belligerent on my behalf. "I find for the writer," he fumes, "and recommend that the plaintiff have the 5-iron removed from his butt." Similar sentiments come from Bill McBride of Wellington, New Zealand: "I wonder if your Mr. Norris has time to look up the word 'pedantic' in the dictionary. (It comes after 'boring' and before 'twit.') It's just a GAME, for god's sake, not a tax return." Many of the verdicts are of the "not guilty with an explanation" variety. "You keep score exactly the way I do," writes Big Jake of Fairfield, Ohio. "As a former single-digit player, I hit an occasional 'wonder shot,' as in, 'I wonder where that came from?' But I don't like to prolong the agony by continuing to hit bad shots after my partners are done. I take 1 over the highest and never affect the outcome of any wagers. Don't let those curmudgeons get to you!" Kevin McGlade of St. Joseph, Mo., claims that "handicap envy has infected courses across the land" and laments that new golfers are not told when to pick up. "I understand that these people have put down their hard-earned money to play, and who are we to tell them they can't finish every hole? Well, we are the people behind them, who paid the same amount to watch them high-five after a 20-footer goes in for a smooth 9." The stack of verdicts grows: "I'm on your side," writes Keric Shanahan of Suwanee, Ga. "There's a time to take things seriously, but for average hackers golf should be a form of entertainment." "I rule for the defense," says our old friend August O'Meara of Minneapolis. "Mr. Norris asked a few good questions, and you responded with great answers." "I hereby find Mr. Norris guilty of golf snobbishness," rules Ryan Mullinax of Overland Park, Kan., obviously tickled by the sound of his gavel. "He shall spend 90 weekend days as a marshal at the busiest course in Indy with no chance for parole." "CASE DISMISSED!" roars Bob Kengott of Hinsdale, Ill. "Having played in Scotland, I can attest to both the Scots' dislike for the American insistence on medal scores and their affinity for match play." The jury, however, has some holdouts. "Snobbish or not, Mr. Norris is correct in his assessment of golf scoring, and I agree with his argument that many golfers do not understand, or choose not to understand, the Rules of Golf, including how to score. A wise man once said, 'Anyone can shoot in the 70s if he does not count all his strokes.'" Bill from Silver Spring, Md., is even blunter: "You helped Dave Norris make his case. I find you guilty. Punishment: Play according to the rules." And this from a stern Peter Heath of Durham, N.C.: "I think it's incredible that you haven't updated your handicap/posted scores in nine years. (By the way, your handicap is not 8.3; that is your handicap index. This determines your handicap at whatever course you might play, depending on the slope.) You can and should post your scores that are recordable, even if you pick up occasionally, have a putt conceded or don't finish a round. I refer you to the USGA Handicap System booklet, section 4 (adjusting hole scores) and section 5 (scores)." We may even have to start a third pile of verdicts. "Have to give you a tie with Dave," writes Mark McDonald of Issaquah, Wash. "I prefer and actually play the game as you do. Unfortunately, I find the majority of folks on the course hack and cheat as Dave describes." That majority of folks, of course, should not be confused with the majority of folks who seem ready to contribute to my defense fund: "I'm with you. The best times I've had on any course have been with my brothers-in-law, and we rarely keep score." ( Tim Summers, Greenwood, Ind. ) "Judgement against Mr. Norris, not so much for snobbishness, but for an incredible lack of imagination and joy in golf." ( Chris Benten, Austin, Texas ) "Mr. Norris is surely hung by his own words. Snob!" ( Mike Walsh, Braintree, Mass. ) With so many excited jurors packing the chamber, I'm starting to feel like Groucho Marx in the stateroom scene. Court will recess until next time, when we'll read more verdicts and try to figure out what to do with that funky 5-iron. Meanwhile, keep this in mind: I'm still out on bail.
Watch this space for another installment of Mats Only. To send John Garrity advice, share your experiences, or suggest a driving range, click here.
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