White House Hockey Lesson

Posted: Thursday May 28, 1998 06:18 PM

It's a good game, this hockey, Mr. President. Glad you're here. First time, right? Sabres and the Capitals? You're going to like this. Let me explain a little bit about what you're going to see.

Now, there are six guys on each side. Five of them are skaters. The sixth is the goalie. See the guy in front of the net there, Olaf Kolzig? The one with all the extra equipment? The mask? The five guys from Buffalo try any way they can to get the puck past him, taking shots from all angles. His job is to deflect those shots. He's sort of like... sort of like Mike McCurry, your press secretary. You know what I mean? Deflect the shots, turn them away.

Now among the skaters, there are scorers and there are muckers. The muckers are the ones who go into the corners, the trouble spots, and get the puck out and pass to the scorers. Madeline Albright, the Secretary of State, she's a mucker. Get in there in the Middle East, Bosnia, get the puck out, pass it to... well, pass it to you. You're a scorer, Mr. President. Yes, you are.

Now there's the blue line and red line, offsides and icing, but they're a little complicated. Sort of like Northern Ireland or IRS legislation. I'll explain them later. There's the penalty box, the sin bin, where you go if you commit an infraction. Sort of like Susan McDougal did, but without the orange jump suit and chains. There are checks -- but not like the checks from the Chinese to the Democratic National Committee -- body checks.

I could tell you about a lot of other stuff, about spearing and butt-ending, cross-checking and elbowing and slashing and tripping and roughing, but I don't want to get you too confused. Just watch the game for now and remember it's a lot like politics.

Except here they have to wear helmets.

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