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Taking on the readers
It's that time of the month again. Time to clean out the mailbox, that is. (What I'd really like to do is clean out the mouths of some of the readers, but nevermind.) Last week's OT left lots of knickers in a twist, and the mail that arrived over the last seven days was nearly a record, both in volume and absurdity. A typical erudite rebuttal to some of my thoughts comes by way of Tom Choe of San Francisco: "I don't have a question for you, just a comment. You are an idiot." OK, then. Everyone, it seems, was pissed about something -- either my take on the Grand Slam, or the comparison of Tiger Woods to Ben Hogan, or my impolite dismissal of Jack Nicklaus. (Favorite rebuttal, courtesy of San Antonio's Andy Buitron: "It has been such a privilege watching Nicklaus play for so many years. He's a great man. You are not."). So let's get ready to ruuuuummmmbbbblllleeee ... Once again, Shipnuck shipwrecks on a point of logic apparently too challenging for the brain of a sportswriter. You are of the opinion that if Tiger wins the Masters next April, it will not amount to the Grand Slam because he did not win all four majors within one season. The important thing is that Tiger would simultaneously hold the title of all four of the modern majors. If he won them all in one season, he would have the same thing he will have if he wins the Masters next April -- all four majors at the same time. Let's face it, whether it is for the Grand Slam or not, Tiger's attempt to win the Masters next April will make it the most exciting and most watched tournament in history. P.S. I hope you recognize this as a softball designed to spur debate and breathe life into your hapless column.
I really appreciate that last bit, Gerry. For a minute there I confused your letter with the inane ramblings of a disgruntled fan with too much time and too little insight. Keep those helpful hints coming! You're damn right that a split Grand Slam is no Grand Slam. Just as all other statistics are compiled over a single season, so should the victories required for the Grand Slam. Either way, however, there's no doubt in my mind that Tiger will soon be regarded as the greatest ever to play the game.
There's no doubting your wisdom, Egan, but I'm a little concerned about the use of "damn" in your correspondence. Please refer to the letter below, which will help all of us put this divisive issue in perspective. Your statement, "Hell, no," to the fact that some of us believe if Tiger Woods wins the Masters next year that it would constitute a Grand Slam is a little abrupt. I prefer, "I don't think so." We are not at war, and golf is a game that we play and enjoy, so I don't think the issue should be taken too seriously. I think it should be considered a Grand Slam, but if people don't think so, fine. Who cares?
Upon further reflection, perhaps we shouldn't take Andy too seriously. Judging by his genteel tone and agreeable manner, he has clearly clicked on the wrong column. Hey, buddy, go back to Mats Only before somebody gets hurt. Glad to see someone else remembers Ben Hogan and how magnificent he was. I admit to a bias toward Ben since I was named after him. Unfortunately, we don't share the same golf talent. P.S.: You can crack wise about my name.
While it must be tough to go through life as a variant of those old schoolyard jokes involving Ben Gay sports cream, do you honestly think a guy named Shipnuck is going to be making fun of anybody's name? Take it easy on Tiger. If not for Tiger, you would have the most boring job in the world (next to writing about bowling). Something to think about: What is going to happen to Tiger after he gets married, and all that time on the golf range is over? Three things can kill a man: 1) fame; 2) money; 3) women. So use your time wisely.
Valuable counsel, D, but you forgot some other potential causes of death: 4) Editors
I'm quite happy Jack Nicklaus didn't retire in 1986. As a golf writer who's there week in and week out, you've probably forgotten how exciting and rare it is to stand so close to one of your heroes, as I got to do for the first -- and probably only -- time during the PGA. Sure, Jack was five over at the time, but on Thursday at the 17th hole I not only got to stand close to greatness, I saw Jack play the most remarkable wedge shot I've ever seen, from knee-high straw to 10 feet from the pin. I wept.
I swear, I didn't insert those final two words. Joey really wrote them. Before any of you snicker, I would like to point out that he and I actually have a lot in common. Watching Nicklaus play this year brought tears to my eyes, too. Your writing is generally first-rate, but one small comment: I have no interest whatsoever (nor, I suspect, do the rest of your readers) in hearing about the time you and your "gal" fooled around on the 10th green at Pebble. Private moments are private for a reason -- other people don't want or need to hear about them.
Then again ... How much fooling around did you do on the 10th green? Did you do this during the Open? If so, don't you think you would have done a lot less damage on a tee?
A confidentiality agreement I have signed with the Pebble Beach Co. prevents me from commenting further on the matter, but because the public has a right to know, I will add this: Afterward, Frances said I was an 11 on the Stimpmeter. Sports Illustrated golf writer Alan Shipnuck will take you On Tour each week at golfplus.cnnsi.com. Click here to send Alan a question or a nice, friendly comment.
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