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No more Euro prattle
FORT WORTH, Texas -- Having traded crêpes for BBQ, Thursday was my first day back at work here on the PGA Tour, and I'm still reeling from the culture shock. Thank Hogan for tacky Marriott furniture -- at least there are a few familiar touchstones to help me get reacclimated. Sadly, all my good column ideas were held up in customs. I was going to fill up this space with touching reflections on four weeks in Europe, but judging from the accumulated mail I've been poring over, y'all have had more than enough of that prattle. I'd love to write a piercing analysis of the state of the PGA Tour post-Augusta, but I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. On the flight out here I read five pounds of golf magazines; the FAA should really step in and regulate that sort of thing because it's clearly a safety hazard. Anyway, I'm going to spend this week snooping around and conferring with my cronies, and I promise to weigh in next time with a column that has a little more meat on its bones, à la Hal Sutton. In the meantime, let's cut to the mail, bringing some needed closure to the great Euro tour boondoggle. I'm in shock: An American journalist believes the Ryder Cup might be close! What's wrong with you, man? Did you actually watch the European players and write an objective article? I think this was just a ruse to fill your mailbag with juicy stuff from Yanks who think that the U.S. is going to whup our sorry European arses because we're not good enough to lace your red, white and blue FootJoys. As Mills Lane says, "Let's get it on!"
I'm sorry to find out that the cultural phenomenon that is Mills Lane has now crossed the Atlantic. Equally discouraging is that our friend Simon thinks my erudite analysis was merely a transparent attempt to whip up the domestic readership. The learned On Tour faithful is obviously too sophisticated to fall for such a shallow tactic. Then again ... You should just move to Europe if you like it so much. No one in the U.S. likes you anyway. I don't even know why Sports Illustrated hired you. So spare us all and don't put your own country down.
I guess I missed the office memo instructing me to be a flag-waving jingoist. The Ryder Cup column was not about putting down my beloved homeland, but rather writing a realistic analysis of both squads. If you want mindless nationalist prattle, well, bud, you won't get it here. That's what the British papers are for. I am a regular reader of your column and usually semi-enjoy your ramblings. Lately, however, your work has been drier than Phil Mickelson's mouth on the last day of a major. Descriptions of which dull Euro-wannabes will top the Order of Merit is getting boring ...
Nice zinger on Mickelson, Billy. I semi-enjoyed it. Anyway, fear not, the days of broadening your horizons are now over. The coming weeks are chock full o' PGA Tour action. In addition to this week's stint at Colonial, I'll be covering the Kemper, U.S. and Western opens, so you can look forward to a series of boring reports on which dull Yank-wannabes will top the money list. Sports Illustrated senior writer Alan Shipnuck periodically waxes about life On Tour for CNNSI.com. Click here to send him a question or a nice, friendly comment.
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