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United Slobs of America, indeed

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Posted: Thursday September 30, 1999 01:30 PM

Apparently, the American victory in last week's Ryder Cup was one of the most incredible, monumental and shocking events in the history of golf. I couldn't agree more.

The U.S. team's behavior on the 17th green after Justin Leonard holed a 45-foot putt was indeed one of the most incredible, monumental and shocking examples of poor sportsmanship and lack of class or composure that I have ever witnessed in golf -- or probably any other sport, for that matter.

Let me make something perfectly clear: I am all for authentic, spontaneous, heartfelt celebration in professional sports. God knows this level of competition can use all the real emotion it can get. And Leonard's putt was spectacular. But here's my problem. The putt falls and the Americans fall to pieces -- teammates, wives, a few mimes, a guy on stilts, Big Dawg from Cleveland, Jason Sehorn and a guy pushing a grass aerator come running across the green to mob Leonard.

Uh, well, there's just one problem with this folks.

The FREAKIN' MATCH ISN'T OVER YET.

José María Olazábal is standing there, waiting to hit a 25-foot putt that would have kept the match even. If ever someone deserved a mulligan, it was Olazábal.

I may be the world's worst golfer but even I know you don't hold Mardi Gras on the green while someone is still waiting to make a putt that could tie the match. And, according to the e-mails I get, I may be the rudest person in the world, but I know no matter what the Europeans did in the way of slowing down play or jumping around after shots, that doesn't make what the Americans did any less ugly or inappropriate.

Can you imagine what we'd all be saying if the putts were reversed and the Europeans celebrated like that before Leonard could hit his shot? Please. We'd practically be at war right now.

By all standards of sportsmanship in the prim and proper gentleman's game of golf, which the whale-belted, lily-white golf traditionalists love to shove down our throats at every opportunity, this is a horrible breach of etiquette. My point is, don't preach about something being the backbone of your sport and use it to look down your noses at the rest of the sports world and then, at the penultimate moment of competition, claim it's O.K. to blow that kind of stuff off because people got a little excited.

I'm sorry, but don't professional golfers make a living controlling their emotions? When baseball teams advance in the playoffs this fall, watch carefully -- do they break out the champagne and soak each other with one out left to play in the bottom of the ninth?

Maybe someone just told the Americans that they would no longer have to wear those shirts. Or perhaps someone just spread a rumor that the gazillionaire golfers were going to get paid after all for stooping to representing their country. Wait, I know: All that emotion poured out at the wrong time because everyone was so happy they had avoided going down in history as the worst chokers of all time.

Whatever the reason for the inappropriate outburst, cork it for 30 seconds, let Olazábal putt and then go slip-'n'-slide naked right down the middle of the green, for all I care. Fireworks. Kiss in concert. Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. I don't care.

Just show an ounce of class and humility and LET THE MAN PUTT FIRST.

Olazábal's putt was impossible, you say?

Uh-huh, and how long was Leonard's?

They're calling us ugly Americans. The United Slobs of America, one paper wrote. I don't blame 'em. We are. Heckling people on their backswings? Pointing people the wrong way as they look for a lost golf ball? Holding a 5K start across someone's putting line?

Remember, athletic competition does not build character, it just reveals it. And when it starts getting hard to differentiate between the behavior at a golf match and a pro wrestling match, we're all doomed folks.

I brought the American's boorish behavior up on a radio show a few days ago and the common response was -- like this will shock you -- "If'n you don't like it, mister, you can just move to Russia, ya commie."

That's really sweet. And original, too.

But it's not about America vs. Europe. Never was. Hell, it's not even about winning or losing.

It's about something more important and even more rare in the world today.

Class. Humility. Sportsmanship.

And at this moment, our Ryder Cup runneth empty.

WHYLO of the Week

Graham Boain, who calls himself the editor of WCW Magazine, wrote in to complain about my criticism of pro wrestling and began his letter by saying that "SI must have relaxed its hiring practices when you came on board." But before slamming me as a terrible writer Graham titled his e-mail, I swear, "Your Wrestlign piece."

O.K., FlemFilers, say it with me:

Graham, WHO HELPED YOU LOG ON?

Last week I heard a rumor that the good folks at CNN/SI are thinking about making up FlemFile WHYLO T-shirts for each honoree or special reader. Let them know what a great idea you think this is. That way, at least Graham will get a shirt out of the deal.

Love Letters

Most of the e-mails from last week's FlemFile were to nominate these teams for the ugly uniform Hall of Shame: BYU, the Baltimore Ravens and the Cleveland Cavaliers.

O.K., now -- and I mean this -- this is the last time, the absolute final time that I will address pro wrestling in any way, shape or form. Period. But, I've got to admit, reading these letters is like rubber-necking at a car crash; I just can't look away. After this week, though, I won't force you to look anymore. I promise. Having said that, check this stuff out:

Pam Reuss, from Springfield, Ohio, sent this three times. I've left it unedited for your enjoyment.

"So why do you and your idiot media spokes people think you can always fall back on wrestling as something to talk about? Just because you don't like it don't mean you got to watch it for you obviously have seen it or you wouldn't know there names and it is more entertaining to watch then football. All football is is a bunch of guys running around in pads touching all over each other and you call that 'sports' so if you don't like it don't watch it. I don't think you could get in the ring with Stone Cold Steve Austin for he would kick your a-- and thats all I got to say about that so leave the wrestling business out of any further pages of the internet for I didn't know who you were until I seen you talking about wrestling and I really don't want to know who you are and that the bottom line cause 'Stone Cold and the WWF said so.'"

Chris Etheridge from Atlanta writes:

"My issue with you sir, goes behind your opinions on professional wrestling. You are an obnoxious individual who will be brought down from the sanctimonious tower from which you deliver your dribble sooner or later. Additionally, most performers in the sports entertainment business know that they are playing roles and this can be readily explained to their families and children. In your case, how do you explain to your children that Daddy is just an ass? Period."

Chris Schrader, a potty mouth from Rochester, N.Y., writes:

"F--- YOU DUMBASS!!! PRO WRESTLERS ARE TOO ATHELETES [sic] AND I F---ING DOUBT YOU WOULD SAY DIFFERENT IF YOU GOT IN THE RING FOR ONE MATCH IF YOU DIDN'T GET KILLED DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Robb Jandorf writes:

"People like yourself with their opinionated, half whitted [sic], judgements sicken me to no end. You hold yourself above everyone else (in your mind only) and make judgements on how other people live. You have no right let alone no basis for these statements. Lastly, you are hoping it is a fad? Good luck there cheif [sic]. Wrestling is getting bigger and bigger as we speak. A new federation formed some time ago and is gaining much popularity. There is nothing wrong with watching wrestling. No more wrong then [sic] watching a soap when you know what is going to happen, the news in this world that is washed of all morales [sic] and values, a scary movie or even boxing where the apponent [sic] is beating the other guy's (or lady's) head in. I do not understand why we can not enjoy ourselves without your ignorant remarks...?"

That's it.

I promise.

Thank God.

Sports Illustrated staff writer David Fleming explores the sometimes weird and wacky side of sports every Thursday. Click here to send an e-mail to Flem, or address it yourself: flemfile@aol.com.

The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

 

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