|
 |   |
|
EVENTS Fantasy Central Inside Game Multimedia Central Statitudes Your Turn Message Boards Email Newsletters Golf Guide Cities Work in Sports
CNNSI.com GROUP
COMMERCE |
No cure for Ramwagonitis
Posted: Thursday October 21, 1999 03:57 PM
"Ah, Flem, nice to see you again, has it been a week already?" "Yeah, seven days, Doc, that makes a week." "Okay, okay, as usual I'm sensing anger. Why don't you lie down on the couch and relax and let's go with that. Now, if I remember correctly, when we left off last week you were still feeling very conflicted over how you were simultaneously attracted to and repulsed by the Internet. Or was it sports? Or was it the McRib sandwich?" "Actually it was all three, but this week I have a much bigger problem." "Yes, well, I'm guessing it has something to do with the Rams horns you have shaved into your head ..." "DUDE! RIGHT ON WOOOOOOO, I AM A HUGE RAMS FAN ALWAYS HAVE BEEN ALWAYS WILL BE BABY! I BLEED BLUE, YESSSSSSSSSS! UNDEFEATED BABY, HERE WE GO VER-MEIL HEREWEGO!" "Ah-ha, Bandwagonitis. Yes, I seem to be treating a lot of people for that these days. It's very common, you see, in today's society ..." "DOC, DOC, TELL ME BURT WARNER ISN'T THE BEST!" "It's Kurt. Kurt Warner ." "Yeah, yeah, well, I have loved the Rams and stood behind the Rams and lived and breathed and died with the Rams for so long now, almost all the way back to when they were 3-0." "Yes, well, as I was saying, Bandwagonitis is very common in today's sports culture where, just like in society, pride, loyalty and steadfastness have given way, in the name of microwaveable gratification, to a nation of sorry, shallow, pathetic bandwagon jumpers." "What is Bandwagonitis?" "Bandwagonitis is the sports-fan equivalent of pulling a Rosie Ruiz at a marathon. You get immediate glory and recognition by latching onto a winner, without putting in any of the hard work and dedication of real fans. Why, just this past week I treated 14 supposed life-long Yankees fans who have never been east of the Mississippi, 18 people who claim to be the U.S. Women's World Cup team's No. 1 fan and a guy who put on 84 pounds in March because he thought the UConn nickname was husky, not Huskies. Braves fans, ugh, they are the worst, er, best patients. They don't even bother to start the bandwagon until the World Series. Do you have any idea how many reverse Broncobandwagonitis patients I have treated this season already?" "Wait, are you trying to tell me, Doc, that there is more dignity in being a lifelong Clippers or Expos fan than there is in my Ramwagonitis?" "That's exactly what I'm saying. Coughcoughyousimpletoncoughcough." "Pardon?" "Nothing. ... Listen, this is a very serious problem you have. Once you sell your sports soul you can't get it back. And what you've done, Flem, is take away from the real Rams fans' glory by cheapening it with your less-than-honorable allegiance." "Well, what can I do?" "The bottom line is you can't be a Rams fan this year, but don't worry -- the haircut is an improvement." "What else?" "Well, I propose that anyone who wants to switch his sports support must first be required to watch his new team lose no less than five games in person, or three if the games are held in inclement weather -- or Cincinnati." "All right." "You must also be well versed in the team's history, be able to recite the names of every player who has been inducted into the Hall of Fame and know five weird, quirky facts about the team." "Okay." "You must also not be involved in fantasy sports of any kind." "What?" "Actually, that has nothing to do with Bandwagonitis, it's just a personal rule of mine." "Fine." "And, finally, if you do jump on a bandwagon, for every postseason win your frontrunner collects you must continue to support that team for three years. So if the Rams win it all ..." "HAH!" "You could be teamed up with Georgia Frontiere for a decade." "Oh, dear lord." "Cured ya, didn't I?" "... Rams Shmams, did I ever tell you how much I love the Browns?" "That's all the time we have today, Flem." "Thanks, Doc." "You're very welcome. Now, I believe it's time for my WHYLO support group." "Oh really? Better hold your calls, Doc." MailbagAll right! Here is the winner of last week's WHYLO of the Week contest, in which more than 1,000 readers voted. With 322 tallies and 32% of the vote, the winner, er, loser, was PHILADELPHIA FOOTBALL FANS. Stu Davidson of Del Mar, Calif., writes: "The vote for the biggest WHYLO (although the choices are quite impressive) clearly should go to the Philly fans. I despise Michael Irvin's behavior, which represents everything wrong with the contemporary professional athlete, as much as anyone else does. However, cheering an injury of that magnitude is completely disgusting. Only in Philadelphia, the City of Thrown Batteries and home of a municipal court in the Vet." The runner-up was WHYLO No. 3, "You can't write and is an idiot" Gary Opala. I'm glad the guy with poor grammar and bad spelling didn't win because then, well, I might sweep the award. But just to prove that truth is stranger than fiction, I wrote to Mr. Opala to tell him he was in the running for WHYLO of the Week and his response included this phrase (I swear I'm not making this up): "Your still an idiot !!!!!" Try again, Gary, maybe the third time is a charm. Another contest side note: Several readers pointed out that WHYLO No. 6, smarty-pants Billy Sugino, who bragged about his IQ test scores and referred to my column as a Jerry Springer form of sports journalism, wasn't quite so bright after all. No. 6 began his e-mail with the latin phrase Ilium Cum Dignitate which he claimed to mean leisure with dignity. On the contrary. According to readers, Ilium is the Latin word for the city of Troy. Oops. Had he been a real smarty pants -- well, for starters he wouldn't know Jerry Springer -- the phrase would have read: Otium Cum Dignitate. What's the Latin phrase for e-mail with dignity? Kerrie Mills, of Toronto, Canada writes: "This week's WHYLO vote goes to the Philly fans, definitely. That was the most hideous thing I think I've ever heard of in 15 years of watching pro sports. Meanwhile, great column! It's great to hear a sports columnist tell it like it is for once ... even if he isn't Canadian. Just one question: How do I find your column on the CNN/SI site (other than clicking madly and hoping to stumble across it?). Once again, thanks for a nifty addition to a great site." Kerrie is one of several readers who asked if there was an easy way to find the Flem File on the site without having to search through pages and pages of text like some clueless American League umpire. Well, hopefully you've noticed that the site has been redesigned to fix that very kind of problem. But if you're still having trouble, here are four sure-fire ways to get the Flem File: 1) tune in on Thursdays when it is usually posted on the site; 2) go to our Inside Game Gang section and look for the most unique, humorous, insightful column on the page, click on that, and then ask Leigh Montville how to find my column; 3) type this address in with the appropriate date: http://www.cnnsi.com/inside_game/david_fleming/1999/10/21/flemfile/; 4) click on my face, above, and then bookmark the archive page that pops up. To save space, here are two answers to some e-mail I received this week: 1) never, under any circumstance, buy a CD player or a stereo or speakers of any kind without first playing U2's Bullet the Blue Sky on the system; and 2) the best thing I've seen on TV recently is The West Wing, at 9 p.m. on Wednesdays, and the worst was Bryant Gumbel's sappy, misguided, apologetic and pointless ode to Darryl Strawberry on last week's Real Sports. O.K., there continue to be numerous requests for more letters from pro wr------- fans. Yes, I still get them. Yes, they make me weep late at night about the future of mankind. But NO, NO, NO, NO, I will not post any of them. Period. That freak show shall never be mentioned again in this space. But, of course, I will run letters that are flattering to me. Like Jell-o, there's always room for those. Karl Crow of Kennedyville, Md., writes: Dear Flem: Thanks for continually enlightening, and lightening up, my week. Your commentary is never short on humor, yet it always makes a heartfelt point. In particular, and I am going way back here, last spring you wrote a piece on Title IX and your alma mater, Miami of Ohio . I was so provoked by that piece that I used it as the primary reference piece for a paper I had to write on the issue for a gender-studies class. It was no coincidence that I got an A on the paper; you put the issue into plain words and really summed how I thought on the issue. Thanks, Flem, and keep it coming. You are educating the youth of America. Now there's a truly scary thought, huh? Sports Illustrated staff writer David Fleming explores the sometimes weird and wacky side of sports every Thursday. Click here to send an e-mail to Flem, or address it yourself: flemfile@aol.com. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.
| |||||||||||||||||||||
