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Televised fishing? Don't get hooked

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Posted: Friday November 05, 1999 05:29 PM

At 2:30 p.m. on Sunday, as part of their sweeps week programming, Fox will make network television history by broadcasting the final round of the $3.6 million (not a misprint) M1 Millennium bass fishing tournament in Cypress Gardens, Fla.

Apparently, I'm told, the network lost out on the rights to the world vacuuming championships in Des Moines and the cement smoothing national semifinals in Grand Rapids and were forced to go with bass fishing. As part of the coverage, on Monday, Fox will also air live the firing of those network executives responsible for televising the event.

WHYLO OF THE WEEK I hate like heck to do this, but this week's WHYLO is Mike Chandler from Menomonie, Wis. Mike wrote in to say that he agreed with me about the Pete Rose - Jim Gray interview. However, on the end of the e-mail he tacked on this message: "PACKERS OVER THE SEAHAWKS ON MONDAY." There's just one little problem with your note, Mikey. You see the e-mail was sent on Wednesday, TWO DAYS AFTER THE SEAHAWKS BLEW OUT THE PACKERS. So say it with me Flemfilers, Mike Chandler, WHO HELPED YOU LOG ON? Mailbag Well, folks were quite worked up over the old Pete Rose-Jim Gray debacle. My mailbox has been jammed for a week. Much to my surprise the letters ran only about 55-45% against Gray. Of course I'll run a sampling down below, but to save time I eliminated about 90% of the e-mails I received. For starters, any weepy letter that included the phrase "Gray ruined a magical moment" was immediately discarded. Please, this was a made-for-TV shlockfest, with very questionable player selections (How are we supposed to take any all-Century team seriously that doesn't include Roberto Clemente? ) created all for the purpose of marketing some stupid credit card. Yeah, that's my idea of special. Also, any letters that accused me of just blindly supporting "one of my own" were also deleted with prejudice. Anyone who would say that obviously has never read the Flem File before or comprehends what it stands for. Everyone -- you, me, CNN/SI, puppies, apple pie, McDonald's and Big Bird -- is fair game here. Also, anyone who tacked on the phrase "I dare you to run this response" went immediately to the trash heap because I suspect these are the same lame, dorky people who carry their cell phones on their belts. Any letters trying to make Rose seem less evil by comparing him to Bill Clinton , Steve Howe and Darryl Strawberry were thrown out as well, since -- hello! -- who mentioned them? I also discarded the nasty personal attacks, the foul-mouthed diatribes that put pro w-------- fans to shame, the calls for my resignation and threats of violence just because, ironically, most of these very e-mails opened with criticisms of Jim Gray for being abusive, abrasive and gratuitously mean: "Your article on Pete Rose on the CNNSI Web site is an atrocity and a disgrace to you, your company and to baseball itself. I cannot believe the long list of idiocy that your article encompasses. If off-the-field actions justifiably keep pete rose out of the hall of fame, then what in the world is Ty Cobb doing in the hall? Be reasonable here. It sounds like you merely have a personal vendetta against Rose. Rose is baseball and baseball is Pete Rose. You cannot have one without the other. Wake up, man." -- Karl Feucht "While the timing and duration of that interview may have detracted somewhat from the special moment which preceded it, I hope that Pete can some day deal responsibly with his situation and earn the praise and support that the American fan seems so willing to pile around him." -- Matt, Washington, D.C. Click here to read more responses

Let me explain something: The only bass I want to see on TV is Dan Aykroyd's Bass-o-matic or Kim Bass-inger.

I can hear it now all over the country: Aw please honey, can't you think of some more things for me to do around the house? I don't want to just sit here and watch bass fishing! I've got it! I'll mow the lawn again, this time diagonally!

Now, before you fire up those responses, let me say this: I love fishing. You're reading the prose of a former outdoors editor. I'm not saying I would be comfortable eating breakfast staring at Denny Brauer's face, but I knew who he was when he appeared on a Wheaties box. In fact, I do quite a lot of fishing myself. Bass all over Ontario, Canada, still shake with fear in my presence.

But here's the point: I WOULDN'T EXPECT THE MOST BORED HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET TO SIT AND WATCH ME FISH FOR 90 MINUTES. I mean, after fishing, how far away are we from live coverage of silent book reading?

Please, honey, don't leave me here in front of the set. Pleeeeease, can't I come to the mall with you? Pleeeeeease?!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but, uh, the most exciting thing about fishing is the fish, right? And, well, I hate to break it to you this late in the game but, um, aren't they underwater and out of sight? This is going to be like broadcasting a basketball game with the cameras out in the parking lot. "Hello, excuse me Keith Jackson, sorry to cut you off but Dub Griffith just caught his spinner bait in a fan's earlobe. For more on this developing story let's go to Jim Gray over by the lily pads."

Wait, maybe I'm wrong about all this.

Hey, at least with this sport the only worms involved are on the hooks, not the playing field. "Obviously," says a story on the Fox Web site, "such a historic event warrants a national audience."

And don't forget the winner of this thing, which is the brainchild of someone named Irwin Jacobs , could pocket $1 million. Ooooooh. To this I say folks in tank tops scratching lotto tickets down at the Tast-e-mart have a shot at a million bucks too, but that sure doesn't mean I want to watch them scratch away for nine minutes, let alone 90. On Thursday a cold front moved into Florida (you see, even God doesn't want to watch this crap, or I should say, crappie), and, I quote: "caused the fish to be uncooperative." In the biz, this is code for camera shy. Of the 200 pro anglers, 13 hooked the five-fish limit. Fifty anglers didn't boat a single fish. Do the math: that's 65 fish over 90 minutes. What scares me the most is the filler Fox must come up with between fish.

"OK while we wait for our next strike, let's go to Bonnie Bernstein, who is having some fun with fans over by the Beef Jerky tent." TV folks interviewing fish; finally a fair intellectual fight. This I'd like to see.

So, who knows? Maybe I will tune in on Sunday. If for no other reason than to cheer on the fish.

Sports Illustrated staff writer David Fleming explores the sometimes weird and wacky side of sports every Thursday. Click here to send an e-mail to Flem, or address it yourself: flemfile@aol.com.

The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

 

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