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I kicked Shaq's ... (again)

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Posted: Thursday January 13, 2000 12:34 PM

Man, was I nervous. Not because I now work for an Internet company, which means sooner or later someone of authority will actually read this column and take the appropriate action. But because, once again, I was standing on the free throw line of the hoops court we (illegally) painted out on our cul-de-sac, staring down Shaq.

WHYLO OF THE WEEK Well, it's settled. I'm going straight to hell. Once there I'm sure my punishment will be to ride on a plane in the middle seat for all eternity with chatty WHYLOs on either side of me. This week's WHYLO is Leroy Huizenga from Princeton Seminary. In reference to my calling Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker a "Reggie White wannabe" in last week's mailbag, Leroy writes: "Putting John Rocker and Reggie White in the same category is ridiculous. Rocker is simply a lowly, small person with a little mind and no magnanimity, and his statements rightly outrage us. Reggie White, on the other hand, has done many great things for many people. You might disagree with his politics, but they are not uninformed, and he has a right to his opinion. Just because one disagrees with him does not make him or her a bigot, or guilty of 'hate' speech. Other than this nearly unforgivable incident, I love your column and will continue to read." Well, probably not anymore. No sir, what makes Reggie White a bigot is not my opinion of him but the garbage that comes out of his mouth. One might also argue that preaching his kind of filth in the name of the lord is even more damaging than what some doofus 25-year-old pitcher says -- the only difference being Rocker will face severe consequences for his words. So, in a whisper this time, Leroy, Who helped you log on ? Mailbag Your article about Canada is, well, not bad, but it has one major mistake in it: Not Canada has perfected beer, it has been Germany, from where, by the way, many brewers of Canada are originally from and where the most brewers work. -- Jan-Michael Clauss, Heidelberg, Germany Isn't the U.S. the land of lawyers and their stupid lawsuits over trivial things? The American dollar is helping to destroy the NHL through greed and avarice -- and ridiculously high salaries. Is that what you want? At least someone has some guts to do something about it. However, the Americans do not really care as long as they have their sports at their price. -- Michael Anthony Johnson You certainly hit the nail right on the head. It's about time that the fans have some say on what goes on in pro sports, considering they pay the lion's share of the salaries. In any event it would be interesting to see what effect this has in the next five or 10 years, especially when the Ottawa fans win the suit. -- Collin Willis I'm glad we're getting credit for this one. No individual is bigger than the game of hockey. Since we invented hockey, football and basketball, it is only fitting that we invent the "athlete leash." To all the owners and general managers in the world of sports -- you're welcome. -- David Cylwa There's only one word to describe your story on the Yashin lawsuit: "GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLL!!!!" Oh, by the way, we Bengals fans don't really mind the losing. The paper bags we wear keep our heads warm in the winter. It's pretty sad that the Reds can win as many games in a three-game series as the Bengals have won in half the seasons this decade. -- Don Isenbarger Loved the article about the Canadian lawsuit. What surprises me is that someone from the USA, the Land of the Lawsuit (and the WHYLO), didn't think of it first. -- Dave Bingham Best one yet, Flem. One mistake I must point out: The name is not Alexei Yashin. We here in Ottawa pronounce it Alexei CASH-IN! -- Steve

Under a grainy street light, on the windswept court still littered with confetti from our New Year's Eve bash (my tongue still stained red from my record 11 Jell-O shots) it was just me and the big guy.

MiniMano-a-MegaMano. Free throws to the death.

Well, fine, if you want to get all technical on me ... Shaq was actually in Milwaukee with the Lakers. And, yes, I already kicked Shaq's ass last year at a similar contest. Redoing a bit is pretty lame, I'll admit it, but a reader, Kurt Vaigl, wrote in to say that Shaq is now shooting in the mid-40% range from the charity stripe (166 of 368 for 45.1% to be exact) and suggested we try it again this time ... only blindfolded. (Ya know, to make it fair.)

What a great idea. The people have spoken. Let me state clearly: I have no sympathy for Shaq in this regard. The guy gets a bazillion bucks a season to play hoops and he is an absolute liability in the crucial final few minutes of any close game because he's too busy making CDs and movies and drinking Pepsi to practice his freebies.

And so there I was last night, torn khaki shorts, muddy Nikes and Michigan State hat on backwards, shooting free throws with my eyes closed.

O.K. now: Shaq, who has been concentrating on this sport for several hours a day for 15 years, makes 4.5 free throws out of 10. Mr. O'Neal, please take this in the honest, constructive way that it is intended, but:

AH HAH HAH, YA BIG DUMMY, I MADE FIVE OUT OF 10 WITH MY MOTHER-SCRATCHIN' EYES CLOSED.

Forget all the training and technique and practice, Shaq, when you get to the free throw line, stare at the Laker girls while you shoot.

How about underhand, like back in elementary school?

SIX OUT OF 10.

Backwards?

FIVE OUT OF TEN.

Hook shots?

FOUR OUT OF TEN. (Let's call that a tie.)

Poor guy, this must be terribly embarrassing. The next time we speak in person, though, remember, it was reader Kurt's idea and, between you and me, I can probably get you his address if you want it.

Oh, what's that? Shaq's a super big tall person, and this throws off the natural arc of his free throws? It's just not fair? Well, fine.

Hoop lowered to eight feet to simulate Shaq's shooting arc.

SEVEN OUT OF 10.

Strange man in street now running in circles, screaming, WHO IS THE MAN, SHAQ? WHO-IS-THE-MAAAAAAAAYYYYYYON, FAAAAAAAAAAALEMING!

Neighbors staring out behind drawn curtains. Before calling police, neighbor Jak comes out to see what I'm doing. I believe I see pepper spray in his hand, but I can't be sure. I explain, another stupid Flem File. He chuckles. Then he suggests we simulate an L.A. earthquake. Like the windmill shot at a putt-putt course.

Jak shakes the hoop back and forth a foot to the right, a foot to the left. This is like shooting free throws after doing Jell-O shots. I shoot toward the middle.

FIVE OUT OF TEN.

Jak shoots SIX OUT OF 10. Damn showoff. Don't you just hate people like that, all full of themselves, thinking they're so funny?

Before calling police, neighbor Russ comes out to see what were doing. I believe I see pepper spray in his hand. No wait. It's a football.

Russ suggests shooting with the football.

Jak hits two.

Russ nearly laps Shaq, hits SEVEN OUT OF 10 with the pigskin. But he's a Steelers fan and, well, those people are weird to begin with.

I am finally defeated, shooting in the dark, with a football, Shaq finally squeaks by me, 4.5-3.

Now it's your turn.

Go out to your own courts, Flemfilers, and come up with the most bizarre form of free throw that you can imagine. (But please remember, there's already too much nudity on the web.) Let's see if you can kick Shaq's ass, just like I did.

Two years in a row.

Sports Illustrated staff writer David Fleming explores the sometimes weird and wacky side of sports every Thursday. Click here to send an e-mail to Flem, or address it yourself: flemfile@aol.com.

The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

 

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