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Halftime shows: Who needs 'em?
Posted: Friday January 28, 2000 11:02 AM
Each afternoon during the hype-heavy days leading up to Super Bowl XXXIV, SI's David Fleming will do his best to cut through the S.B.'s B.S. and offer his take on the goings-on. This is Flem's fourth file. ATLANTA -- From time to time, we all face low points in our careers. For me they seem to be coming on a daily basis here at the Super Bowl. Thursday was really no different. My first indication was the 20-foot high, happy-groin Disney puppets that walked past me and into the press conference for the Super Bowl halftime show. I'll get to the 20-foot happy-groin Disney puppets in a minute (this is called teasing the readers.) But to put the NFL into proper perspective in the year 2000 you only need to know this: The teams competing in Sunday's Super Bowl have been forced to practice outside in freezing temperatures this week, in part because the Georgia Dome is being used for dress rehearsals for the halftime show. "I think [the halftime show] should be as important as the game," said creator and director Gary Paben , who emceed Thursday's press conference. Since the Super Bowl made its debut in 1967, the only thing that's traditionally lamer than the game itself is the horrid 12-15 minute spectacle that goes on at halftime at roughly the same cost as the Mars Explorer. So I thought, what the hell, might as well preview this year's show as a service to my readers (all seven of you guys). I like you people, but this was way beyond the call of duty.
If Thursday's press conference was any indication, this year's show will be just as phenomenally, monumentally, extraordinarily, mind-bogglingly lame as all the other gems the NFL has tortured us with. Like Up with People's appearance at Super Bowl XX (their fourth showing at the Big Game, by the way), or New Kids on the Block at Super Bowl XXV or, who could ever forget the Blues Brothers Bash four years ago in Tempe, Ariz.. Ugh. What do you think? I'd love to hear what your choice is for worst halftime show of alltime. Here's a hint: don't make your selection until you see Sunday's "Tapestry of Nations." Or you could take my advice and use those 13 minutes more wisely. Take a nap. You want to see me fix the Super Bowl halftime show in five seconds? Here goes: Get a mic, a stool, a guitar and Bruce Springsteen. This, however, is Paben's gig. The director seems to be a mix of Mister Rogers and Richard Simmons. And he said part of the show's theme is that "we all need to be different, like snowflakes." You should have heard him describe the 90-foot-high bolt of fire that opens the show. It sounds like "Cats" meets "Spinal Tap." Paben also introduced one of the performers, Phil Collins, by saying, "Just to have him here is more than a miracle." Uh, no Gary, more than a miracle is what you call it when the NFL goes a week without one of its players being involved in a violent crime of some sort. The show will also feature Enrique Iglesias, Toni Braxton, Christina Aguilera, actor Edward James Olmos and 125 drummers, a full orchestra, aerial dancers and the, ah-hem, aforementioned pelvic puppets. As they marched in to ooohs and ahhhs (and more than a few giggles) I noticed that due to the way the puppets are built and operated, the smiling faces of the puppeteers are placed right in the groin area of the creatures. Disney should love that image being broadcast to a billion people. There were other great moments at the press conference, too. Like when Olmos sat down on stage, two seats down from the CEO of E*TRADE (which is sponsoring the event) and the first thing out of his mouth was, "E*TRADE, I wish they'd answer their phones. You ever tried calling them?" Olmos also ripped the Rams for moving out of L.A. My guess is right about now the folks at the NFL and E*TRADE are fitting him with one of those 20-foot happy-groin Disney puppet suits. Sports Illustrated staff writer David Fleming explores the sometimes weird and wacky side of sports every Thursday. Click here to send an e-mail to Flem, or address it yourself: flemfile@aol.com. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.
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