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Phoning it in

Running out of ways to say Tiger is great

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The U.S. Open begins Thursday, so naturally people are asking me what I'm going to say about Tiger Woods. I try to explain that there is no more I can say about Tiger Woods, that I have long since used up all the superlatives. But luckily for all you Tiger lovers, I have come across an 800 number which handles adoration on a daily basis. Let's call in. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep

Hello, and welcome to the Tiger Woods Fabulous, Magnificent Excellence Line. Listen to the options, because the menu changes every time Tiger does something even more extraordinary. And remember, at any time you can press zero and talk to a Tiger worshipper who will excite you by whispering sweet nothings about Tiger into your ear.

Now, for Tiger Woods' statistics as the greatest player ever, press one.
For Tiger Woods historical appreciation, press two. Beep

Hello, and welcome to the Tiger Woods Historical Appreciation Line.
For Tiger Woods favorable comparison with Michael Jordan, press one. For Tiger Woods favorable comparison with all other athletes with endorsement contracts, press two.
For Tiger Woods favorable comparison with all other achievers in the history of humankind, press three. Beep

Hello, you chose the Tiger Woods favorable comparison with all other great achievers in the history of humankind. Nice choice.
For Tiger Woods favorable comparison with Alexander The Great, press one.
For Tiger Woods favorable comparison with William Shakespeare, press two.
For Tiger Woods favorable comparison with Thomas Edison, press three. Beep

Hello, you chose the Tiger Woods Favorable Comparison With Thomas Edison Line. Good for you. Because, hey ... did Edison ever come up with three great inventions in one year and four in succession? Of course not. Now, if you want to hear the reaction to just one of Tiger's great shots -- a reaction the likes of which that run-of-the-mill Thomas Edison surely never heard -- please press the pound sign.

"Yo da man!"

Now, to return to the menu, please press *56, which is what Tiger is going to shoot someday soon, as we all know. Beep-beep-beep

Thank you. Welcome back to the Tiger Woods Fabulous, Magnificent Excellence Line, and today's poll question: What award do you think Tiger should win in 2001 that he has not yet won?

If you think Tiger should win the Academy Award for best director, press one.
If you think Tiger should win the Nobel Prize for Chemistry, press two.
If you think Tiger should win the Country Music Association award for Album of The Year, press three.
If you think Tiger should win the Heisman Trophy, press four.
If you think Tiger should win all of the above, press five. Beep

Thank you. Your vote has been registered. And now, on the Tiger Woods Fabulous Magnificent Excellent Line, it is time to decide what we must do if Tiger wins the U.S. Open again, which, of course, he will.

If you think the Supreme Court should allow everybody but Tiger to ride in golf carts, press one.
If you think President Bush should declare a national holiday, press two.
If you think the term "birdie" should be changed to "Tiger," press three.
If you think ...

Please hang up and call again. Please hang up and ...

These commentaries, which appear each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition, are posted weekly by CNNSI.com

 

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