In the deep end

On swimsuits, sore feet and sorrow in Cincy

Reversing my usual order this week. Saving the worst for last. The broccoli is at the end of the meal. We lead with the dessert.

Doug Fink of Cleveland says he will remain faithful to the Web site but, "I am canceling my subscription to Sports Illustrated because of the swimsuit nonsense. I would love to get your thoughts on that as a member of the organization, but you may not want to comment."

Now c'mon, Doug, have I ever failed to comment -- on anything? How do I feel about the swimsuit issue? Terrific as an advertising vehicle. They really seem to do it right. I never got into the swing of hard-core porn magazines. Too much like anatomy lessons. I mean they show too much, which isn't really that sexy. It's the hint that does it. There have been many swimsuit issue imitators but none of them have really hit the bull's-eye. How do I feel about the issue, personally? Well, when my son was away at school he used to ask me to send him swimsuit calendars, and as many copies of the issue as I could get my hands on. I guess they had major trade value up there. I've been living with it for 23 years now, so I just look at the pictures and move on. Do the same, Doug, and remember, you'll always have your faithful narrator here to answer hard-core football questions for you.

Such as part two of your missive: How would I compare Neil O'Donnell with Tommy Maddox. O'Donnell holds the all-time career record for lowest interception percentage. Yet, in his biggest game, Super Bowl XXX, it was the interception that did him in. Right now Maddox is also effective in the safety-first mode. It's too early to tell what he is, exactly. The test will come when he has to bring his team from behind via the strength of his arm.

My observation that the Cards' David Boston doesn't seem to be running his routes very courageously, and my subsequent call for e-mailers' feedback, drew the kind of commentary I hoped it would get.

The most helpful information concerned the effect of the Lisfranc foot injury he's been nursing, and how it makes it tough for him to cut and jump and go into his routes boldly, as he used to do. I thank the following for pointing this out to me, and I feel a bit ashamed that I came up with my conclusion so flippantly, without enough research -- Jeff of Chandler, Ariz., Wendy of Glassboro, N.J., DeAnna of Phoenix, Ian of Scottsdale and Brent of Phoenix (thanks for your nice words, Brent). David of Phoenix is a yes-but. Yes, Boston has the bad foot, but he's also in a "let's not get hurt in a contract year" mode. Peter of Brantford, Ont., flatly thinks that Boston hasn't been tough enough. I guess that covers it.

The Seattle (and Green Bay) contingent is getting fed up with Mike Holmgren. Jason of Seattle feels that the problem is his dual role of coach and GM. I agree. Too much to worry about in the contract era. He asks if Holmgren is in danger of losing his job. I don't know. It might seem prissy of me, but I've never liked to get into this kind of speculation. These are people with families. Sam of Seattle is even rougher. He's calling for Holmgren's head on a plate, and he, along with Scott of Green Bay (and I thank you, Scott, for the nice things you said), want to know where the real problem lies.

Personnel, I believe. The strong hand of Ron Wolf is needed. You can't stop the run? Well, for God's sake, don't bring in a John Randle, who has spent a career rushing the passer and running around blocks. Don't tell us the answer is a 290-pound, out-of-shape Levon Kirkland and then cut the guy a year later. During the last offseason I asked Holmgren about Randle. "We needed his leadership," the coach said. I didn't say what I was thinking. Is a guy a leader just because he makes a lot of noise? If you keep getting your ass trapped on running plays, and the other team is marching down the field, who are you going to lead? I've never understood this leadership thing. Before you can be a leader you have to produce, to perform. Bryan Cox, the great leader in New Orleans, as he was in New England? What a joke. Can you lead from the bench? Players laugh at this. One Patriots player told me, "In practice, Cox would fall on a pile, eight yards downfield, and the coaches would start yelling, 'Attaboy, Bryan. Great play!'"

M.J. of Edgewood, Ky., a "longtime fan of the Cincinnati Bengals," wants Mike Brown to hire a knowledgeable GM or someone who knows how to judge talent. Can the NFL, he asks, force him to? Can I do something, anything, to help stop the bleeding? Can anybody? The problem, M.J., is in the nature of the NFL. There's too much negative reinforcement. Failure is not punished, it's rewarded. The Bengals make money. They've coerced the taxpayers into building a stadium for them. They're perennial losers? Yes, it's embarrassing, shrug, smile, but some day it'll be better, won't it? These things are all cyclical anyway, aren't they? Just look at what the Rams did ... and all the rest of the blah blah. I love the British soccer system, where the bottom team in the best league gets dropped down to a lesser league every year. Now that would wake some people up ... if the Bengals would be dropped, to, say, the Arena League or NFL Europe after the season. The giveback is that we'd have to elevate the Gladiators or Fire or Matzoh Balls or someone else each year. Actually, if you look at Cincinnati's drafts through the years, they haven't been that bad -- at the time. Did anyone predict, on draft day, that Akili Smith would be a bust? The problems occur after they join the team.

Moe of Toronto wants to know what has happened to Daunte Culpepper. Well, he performed well with an all-star cast around him. Now he doesn't have it any more. The offensive line is mediocre. The wideout corps is only so so, and that includes Randy Moss, who simply does not specialize in the spectacular these days, so Culpepper does not have the luxury of a dynamic Moss or a Cris Carter to bail him out with a great catch. The tight ends are good, but so what? After Robert Smith left, the running back talent could be described as lower-one-third of the league in quality. Culpepper presses. He makes bad choices. The equation has gone kaboom!

Bryan of Orillia, Ont., salutes the legacy of Saints' GM Randy Mueller and his great roster moves which, in a delayed action format, have produced the current success. Is it possible for him to win Executive of the Year, Bryan asks, even though he was fired in May? What a great idea. Hey, I'd certainly vote for him, just to add some spice to the stew. I once voted for San Diego's defensive coordinator, Joe Pascale, as my coach of the year. But the people who run these things are too stuffy for this kind of innovative thinking. You ask how much input Mickey Loomis had on previous draft days. Not too much. He was, and is, a financial guy.

Jesse of Nashville offers an interesting perspective on Peyton Manning. Is he too gentlemanly, too devoid of a killer instinct, to ever be a top-level winner in the NFL? Boy, that's a tough one. I remember hearing the same thing about Phil Simms. I remember hearing that Troy Aikman wasn't tough enough. And I remember the young quarterback I thought had a real killer instinct and would be a consummate winner for exactly that reason -- Gus Frerotte. Doesn't always work out that way. But yes, I see pieces of Peyton's game that are missing. That silly pick he threw at the end of the first half against Pittsburgh ... I mean, all he had to do was throw the ball away and they'd have had the field goal, or at least a good shot at it. Why'd he do it? I question some of his decision making, not his gentlemanly demeanor, although I agree with you about that constant checking at the line. Drives me nuts, too.

Dave of Woodbridge, Va., prefaces his query with, "In your wise and all-seeing opinion ..." Dave, I wish I really had what you claim. If so, then my picture would be posted in every betting parlor in Vegas with the notation: "Do not let this person make a wager in your establishment. He has been killing us for too long." Anyway, the serious part of his query deals with how long the Raiders are going to put up with Sebastian Janikowski's misses. You're right, he blew two against the Chargers. His percentage is pretty close to the bottom, and he's at the lowest level of his career. How much of that can be attributed to his off-the-field escapades we don't know. He's a first-round draft choice, and when you cut those guys it runs into money, but if he costs them a few more contests, then I have the feeling Al Davis will lose patience and he'll be history. Right now I believe he's safe.

Sachin of Binghamton, N.Y., has "a serious question." OK, I'll put on my dark suit and tie. Why doesn't Terry Bradshaw's name ever come up in the the discussion of great quarterbacks? Hey, it does, it does. It did in January of 1989 in front of the Hall of Fame Selection Committee, and the result was his enshrinement. When SI did its John Unitas memorial section, we ran a big chart, ranking many of history's great QBs in different categories. Bradshaw scored pretty high in some, and at least he was included in that roster.

Rich of Albuquerque, N.M., wants to know how the loss of Denver center Tom Nalen will effect the Broncos from here on in. Well, obviously, they won't be as good as they were, but the O-line is a well-coached unit that won't turn into a disaster area.

I like questions like the one I received from Ron of Brussels, and that's near Green Bay, not the other one. His question -- "It's January. The Packers are hosting a playoff game. It's minus-15 with a wind chill of minus-35. Are you one of those traditionalists who say this is what football is supposed to be, or would you prefer a game in some generic dome?" First of all, what's a generic dome? Is it the thing on my shoulders, otherwise knows as my head? Ha ha. OK, relax, I'm getting to it. I'd prefer the game in frosty Lambeau, as long as I could watch it on TV and wouldn't have to be there. The fans of Green Bay deserve their home playoff game. If they want to freeze their tooties off, that's their business. Yes, I'm a traditionalist, but you knew that already.

Lots of Redskins questions and observations from Mark of Ann Arbor, Mich. My thoughts: The biggest problem is that the owner thinks he's a personnel man. He likes to collect superstars, big names. He likes to draft what he calls, "Sexy picks," not drudges such as guards and defensive tackles. So Patrick Ramsey got the call, and he's on the bench, while they continue to struggle along the offensive line. The owner's habit of collecting high-priced toys set the operation back. Remember Jeff George? I'm not really knocking the Ramsey pick. He could be good someday. But that doesn't help right now. Steve Spurrier shuffles around his U. of Florida QBs, but even he can't turn dross into gold. The owner wants yes-men (and women) around him. He has recycled his general managers and personnel people. Maybe he'll catch on some day.

Now we get to the biggest bulk of e-mailers, the Chargers fans. I guess they didn't read the long explanation I provided when I assigned them the No. 5 spot last week. I won't repeat all of it. I'll take the abuse and hope for a better day, when things sort themselves out in logical fashion. At the beginning of the season, the most vehement rippers were the Panthers supporters. Then Green Bay weighed in. Now it's the Chargers. Names, please -- AD of San Francisco, Dante, John and The Lightning Bolt of San Diego, Trevor of LaJolla. Dear above mentioned: Denver beat San Diego fair and square four weeks ago, and not by a little, either. It was 26-9. I don't think that either team has changed that much to affect my evaluations. San Diego as opposed to New Orleans -- the Chargers biggest victories were New England at home, K.C. at home and Oakland on the road, which, I'll admit, was a monumental triumph. The Saints' top victories were Tampa Bay on the road and Green Bay, Pittsburgh and San Francisco at home. Those are more impressive in my eyes. I won't go down through the rest of your complaints, but all I can do is repeat what I've always said -- I do work at this, and if you wait a few more weeks things will become clearer. And to you, Mr. Lightning Bolt, who accuses me of East Coast media prejudice, well, my top three teams are Denver, New Orleans and Green Bay, none of which, as far as I can tell, are Atlantic seaports.

Not to be outdone, we present a pair of rippers, Dave of Michigan and Alex of Houms, La., who favor the Saints over Denver for the top spot. Based on the record, there's more credence to this complaint. All I can say is that when I look at the two teams I feel that Denver would beat New Orleans on a neutral field, which, as we know, doesn't exist until you reach the big pot at the end of the rainbow.

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