Click on the appropriate year to take a look back at the 2001, 2000, 1999 or 1998 TV Commentator
Awards.
Coach, what did you tell your players at halftime?
I told them to leave the toilets in the same condition they found them.
Coach, what do you have to do to win?
You mean win straight-up or cover the spread?
Coach, what about all the penalties?
You exceed the bounds of good taste, you get penalized.
Thanks, coach, and good luck and may God be with you.
* * *
That covers the area of sideline interviews, and now we won't have to mention this depressing subject anymore, as we head into our Fifth Annual Dr. Z TV Commentator Awards. I have learned something through discussion and careful notation of varying sentiments during the past year: The subject of TV commentators seems to arouse considerable passion. Even our own Jimmy, normally a fairly calm fellow, told me the other day "I hope you take a real rip at a guy I simply can't stand" and who was it, again? Dierdorf? Theismann? Probably someone who, to me, is merely an annoyance, as most of them are, but many people I've talked to want to see blood. I wish I could supply same, but the sad fact is I've lowered my sights so much in the last five years, that mere competence is now a cause for celebration.
The problem, I believe, lies with the people who make the major network decisions. In their evaluation of football analysts, knowledge and accuracy and the ability to intelligently inform is way down on the priority list. Instead, personality is paramount, noise, the ability to make a forceful statement, right or wrong. I don't know how many surveys they've done, but I believe that if they talked to enough fans, they might get a whole new perspective on this issue, and they might discover, as I have, that the viewers are more intelligent than they're given credit for. Enough philosophy. We go to our rankings, five stars down to zero. Analysts first, then play-by-play men.
FIVE STARS
None. Last year's only five-star team, among NFL announcers -- Bill Maas and Sam Rosen -- still head our rankings, but they've dropped a star.
FOUR STARS
Maas and Rosen, FOX -- Still my favorite team. Maas, an ex-nose tackle, is one of the few analysts who takes great pride in describing line play, or who can even understand it. Rosen, as I've said many times before, saves me countless hours of re-running the tapes because he will tell you who's on the field in the various multiple-receiver or nickel and dime packages. So why did they drop a star? Sept 22. Seahawks vs. Giants, (and you have to understand that when I cite a specific example, I'm not using that as my sole determining factor, only as an indicator of a tendency), Shaun Alexander drops a pass over the middle, a clear case of alligator arms as he sees Mike Barrow approaching. Maas remarks that it was thrown behind him. A case of alligator arms on the call. Billy boy, five-star analysts don't chicken out when describing a running back who's chickened out. Don't soften up. Stay tough. Point No. 2: Sometimes Maas tends to get a bit pedantic when describing the nuances of the play up front, kind of like those 8 a.m. lectures in my Football Methods class at Stanford (three credits, honest) that used to put me to sleep.
Solomon Wilcots and Ian Eagle, CBS -- Eagle surprised me from time to time by calling out good line blocks. Wilcots, a former defensive back who is, I believe, the best in the business in recognizing the nuances of the different zone coverages, surprised me by not knowing, in the Jets-Jacksonville game, that during the regular course of the game the clock stops when a runner goes out of bounds. But why quibble? They've become a very smooth team. Eagle is now a quite accurate as a down-and-distance man. Neither of them bothers much about line play, but very few others do, either.
THREE AND A HALF STARS
Troy Aikman, Cris Collinsworth and Joe Buck, FOX -- First year together for FOX's No. 1 team. Collinsworth generates a lot of newspaper ink with his willingness to take a firm, if controversial, stand. Aikman is more low key, but knowledgable, particularly in the passing game. Buck? We'll get to him later. It's a good fit. At first I was worried that Collinsworth would hog the mike at Aikman's expense, but Cris has been very gracious and you get the feeling that these guys genuinely like each other. Collinsworth is sharp-eyed in his viewing. He immediately picked up on the fact that the Rams went to an unbalanced line at one point in their October game against the Niners. Most analysts can't be bothered with such mundane facts. I must admit, though, that by the end of the season his whining was starting to get to me. "That is absolutely unacceptable," etc. An offside penalty, a hit out of bounds, you name it. The worst "unacceptable" was in the 49ers-Bucs game when the flood gates opened on Jeff Garcia on one play, and they poured in on him from the middle and the wing, and he hit the deck. This was unacceptable to Collinsworth because he took the sack instead of throwing the ball away. Uh uh, he had no time to get out of the non-pocket, and if he had unloaded right away he would have drawn a grounding penalty.
Buck didn't bother me. A little on the wiseguy side, maybe, but basically smooth enough. Thus, it surprised me to hear people tell me how much he annoyed them. Veteran viewers are a tough lot. They don't like young, well, bucks with a case of the "cutes" stepping in and acting like old pros before they've paid their dues. So something like his "a little pushy-pushy" call when the Bucs' Martin Gramatica pushed his field goal try off to the right against the 49ers isn't really as cute as he might think.
THREE STARS
Daryl Johnston and Dick Stockton, FOX -- Aikman moved out of the mix and onto the No. 1 team; Johnston remained on the No. 2 unit, or possibly No. 3 now, if Maas and Rosen are in the second spot. I have trouble keeping my network batting orders straight. Frankly, I liked Johnston better last year. He doesn't seem to concern himself as much nowadays with what happens on the front lines, although he always has been good on pass routes and coverage and zones, etc. I was disappointed that neither announcer mentioned the way the Bears butchered the clock at the end of the Eagles game.
Tim Ryan and Curt Menefee, FOX -- I have to admit that I'm kind of partial to guys I really liked as players, and I used to root hard for Ryan, an overachieving defensive tackle for the Bears. Menefee, when he was teamed with Brian Baldinger last year, formed one of my four-star teams. I think that Ryan and Menefee were at their best in a game such as Carolina-Tampa Bay, when they could zero in on the hitting and the defense. They really seemed fired up for that contest. Something like Minnesota-Jets, though, didn't go so well. The production itself was sloppy. Plays were picked up late. Infomercials, crawls, logos ... whatever they call those damn things ... crept across the screen during live action. The spotters were terrible. At one point Ryan said Daunte Culpepper "looks real comfortable in the pocket," failing to grasp the idea that the Jets were only rushing three and dropping eight back into coverage. But what the hell, the good outweighs the bad.
TWO AND A HALF STARS
Dan Dierdorf and Dick Enberg, CBS -- The No. 2 team rises half a star into our great grey middlemass. I saw some very solid jobs from these two this season, such as Jets-San Diego. I saw some telecasts that seemed like neverending plugs for the superstars. Enberg, when trapped, will fall back on the grandma, grandpa, folks back home angle, but that's OK because I've come to kind of expect it, although it seems to annoy some people. Dierdorf, when he's in the mood for his Olympian pronouncements, will blast off with (Tennessee-Pittsburgh playoff), "Is there a story better than Tommy Maddox?" to open the show, and then stick to a storyline, such as the great Steelers defense, despite the fact that it's getting hammered. Nevertheless, these guys are pros, and Dierdorf, when he feels like it, can break down a play and the coverages, etc. I'll say one thing, though. In the Jets-Buffalo game in December, there were the worst spotters I've ever seen. Guys who weren't even in the game were being announced for making tackles.
Tim Green and Kenny Albert, FOX -- They're OK up to a point. They can give you the basics, but can't really break anything down until they've seen the replay, and sometimes not even then. Green is enthusiastic with a feel for line play, although he's not always accurate on the action downfield. I know it's not their fault, but something weird was happening to the network timer in the Chicago-New Orleans game, and possibly others. It was always a few seconds off from the official clock, which made my charts a mass of erasures.
Marv Levy and Ron Pitts, FOX -- This team was created in Week 7. Pittsie, once was a terrific analyst, one of the best, was working the sidelines on the Stockton-Aikman team when FOX pulled him back into the booth and paired him with his former coach on the Bills. He was the play-by-play guy with a license, I'd imagine, to do some analysis, since Marv is more comfortable in the AFC than FOX's NFC. This is a long-winded way of saying that Marv and Pitts are a couple of guys with knowledge and the ability to express themselves, but I'm not so sure the team worked, in this context. Marv's ideas and precepts about the game itself always have been interesting to me, but sometimes they got in the way of the action.
Brent Jones and Gus Johnson, CBS -- Jones is a fine route describer, just as he was a fine route runner. Neither of them bothers much with line play. They can handle a game fairly competently, and Jones was calmer in '02 than he was the year before.
Steve Tasker and Don Criqui, CBS -- I'd love to see Tasker get a shot at some big games because I think there's a really top-rate analyst in there waiting to break out. It's discouraging, though, to face a steady diet of last-string games, paired with an old vet like Criqui, who's a pro but basically passionless.
Brian Baldinger and Pat Summerall, FOX -- No one studied films more than Baldy, except for ESPN's Ron Jaworski, so as a reward FOX took him away from Menefee and assigned him the job of keeping an eye on Summerall and making sure Pat got the names and numbers straight, etc. Two years ago Baldinger earned a five-star ranking, last year it dropped to four, and now? Who knows? He used to be one of the few guys who could break down what happened before the replay. No more. I don't want to belabor this, because I still think he can be a terrific analyst if they'll give him a chance. The last game I saw this team work was Seattle-San Francisco in Week 13, and although it was fairly close, by the fourth quarter it had settled into a dull blah from the booth, even when Koren Robinson caught a 39-yard pass during a late touchdown drive. Sad.
TWO STARS
Phil Simms and Greg Gumbel, CBS -- The network's No. 1 team, and people I've spoken to say I am alone in not appreciating its efforts. OK, then I'm alone. I don't think Gumbel should be announcing football games for a living. Neither his heart nor his head are into it. Instead we have some kind of superior, hoity-toity presentation that can produce questions such as (refering to the snowfall in the Thanksgiving Day Buffalo-Miami game), "Does it make a difference -- really?" Well, not in the context of world history, Greg, but in our little arena, you know. Simms' enthusiasm, I am sure, is what the network really appreciates and explains why it feels that he is a must at its big games. Personally, I'd appreciate a bit more study. And some sharper observation, at the point of impact, such as when the failings of the Rams' RT, John St. Clair, led to a chaotic situation that caused the LT, Grant Williams, to be lost for the year with a broken leg. Even on the replay this was never picked up. Then there were some howlers, such as on a third-and-short play in the second Jets-Patriots game: "Give it to the running back," Simms said, "and he goes in hard, or throw it, or something like that" Or this bit of education in the Cleveland-Pittsburgh playoff -- "What causes tipped balls? Penetration by defensive linemen." Gosh, that explains it.
John Madden and Al Michaels, ABC -- The powers-that-be decided to abandon the Dennis Miller freak show approach and restore sanity to the booth, but the ratings continued to plunge until they reached the abysmal level. I like to watch Monday Night Football because, technically, it's the best presentation of all of them, as far as number of cameras employed and variety of angles, etc. I don't expect much in the way of analysis. Anything I get is a bonus. I'll give you only one capsule on what I believe defines this team. Patriots vs. Titans, a deadly dull game until the start of the third quarter, when the Patriots, coming off a three-game winning streak and needing the win pretty badly, drove for a score, forced a punt and got the ball back, down seven points. They broke the huddle and I saw someone run onto the field late and line up on the flank, near their sideline. It was David Patten, the wideout. Tom Brady threw a pass his way, a curl, into double coverage and the ball was deflected and returned for a TD that just about iced the contest. This was the play of the game. Why did Patten come out onto the field late? Was he ready for the ball? What the hell was going on? I spent the next couple of days calling people on the Patriots to find out, and what I found out was that the receiver just fell asleep and everyone was upset with him. Madden and Michaels picked up on none of this. They never even tried to break down the interception itself. They just slid into that kind of malaise that affects the Monday night show when the margin grows to more than one TD, that short attention span, and pretty soon Hank Williams, Jr., was in the booth and they were talking about hats and buses or something and the game was an afterthought. But here's the interesting thing: I never really expected the team in the booth to get into that play or try to break it down. They have become too far removed from the game itself for that. Occasionally Madden will come up with something startling, like an old warhorse hearing the bugle one last time, such as his observation that Rams DT Tyoka Jackson was tying up the guy who was supposed to block Leonard Little in the Niners game, allowing Little to get his sacks. But they're very few and far between.
Randy Cross and Kevin Harlan, CBS -- Cross draws applause for his shoe-on-the-table pronouncements and fiery opinions, but I read them as a kind of window dressing because I don't get a real sense of honesty here. He was a terrific guy to talk to as a player, but a bit of a con artist, which was OK then but bothers me now. Case in point: Big show of emotion about Broncos guard Steve Herndon's deliberate clip that broke the ankle of Chargers DT Jamal Williams. Except that Randy was part of a 49ers unit that specialized in those tactics, the filthiest offensive line in football. OK, this isn't a morality session. There's a lot of bombast here, a lot of nonstop yak yak and belaboring the obvious, at the expense, I believe, of identifying game situations as they occur, such as the way the Bears blew the ending of the Patriots game. Add to that the fact that Harlan is one of the worst at identifying keynote defensive plays, or maybe it's the fault of the spotter, and you have an uncomfortable situation.
Craig James and Craig Bolerjack, CBS -- Maybe I didn't get enough looks ... I know I didn't get enough looks ... wrong punt-blocker identified during the San Diego-K.C. game in October, never corrected. Wrong players identified at other times. Never corrected. I get the feeling they just don't care.
ONE AND A HALF STARS
Joe Theismann, Paul Maguire and Mike Patrick, ESPN -- Down half a star from last year. I know a lot of people don't like Joe T, but to me he was the only guy on the show who really tried to explain things and provide some real, honest-to-goodness analysis, a lot of which made sense to me. It was the other guys who bugged me with their silliness. But I really wonder how much he cared this past season. At the end of the Denver-Indy game Theismann complimented Mike Shanahan for having the guts to throw the ball instead of sitting on a three-point lead ("I love the call"), and then when it backfired and the Colts got the ball and scored and won in OT, he remarked to Maguire, "Paul, you made a great point about Denver leaving too much time on the clock." I'd say he should be ready to run for political office. Add to this the fact that they'll let Suzy Kolber's sideline interviews run right through live action or that Patrick will occasionally get so caught up in the point he's making that he won't even bother to announce a play and you have, well, a solid one-star show.
NOT ENOUGH LOOKS
Spencer Tillman and Tim Brando, CBS; Dan Miller and Mark Carrier, FOX; Scott Miller and Sean Jones, FOX.
PREGAME AND OTHER
Jaworski may be too technical for some people, but not me. I love his film breakdowns before a game. As far as the Sunday lineup goes, at 11 o'clock I'd turn on ESPN's NFL Countdown and watch it for news value, courtesy of Chris Mortensen. I think the entire team -- Chris Berman, Tom Jackson, Steve Young, Sterling Sharpe, etc. -- was a smooth one, but I always paid special attention to what Bill Parcells had to say. Especially when he screwed his co-workers royally by letting the news of his Jerry Jones interview leak out to a rival network, and then offering little help to Mortensen in a follow-up interview. There's an old saying: You lie down with vipers, you get viped out.
At noon I'd switch to the start of FOX's NFL Sunday. A highly entertaining show with everything in perfect working order -- Terry Bradshaw, James Brown, Howie Long, Jimmy Johnson (although I was really stunned when Long asked the Bucs' Ronde Barber, "Who's your No. 1 trash talker?" I'll bet he's as embarrassed by that as I was) -- and I'd stay with it right until they started lining up on the studio floor for live demonstrations, then I'd switch back to ESPN.
As far as CBS' NFL Today, which I'd watch only if it preceded a game and nothing else was on -- it had a strictly amateur hour feel, especially that outdoor motif with all the goofy fans as a backdrop. I guess Deion bothered me most. Practically everything he said was geared to dollars and cents and contracts. The rest of the time he sounded as if he should be hyping mail-order fertility drugs. Maybe he will be next year.
Sports Illustrated senior writer Paul Zimmerman covers the NFL for the
magazine and CNNSI.com. His "Inside Football" column and Mailbag appear weekly
on CNNSI.com. To send a question to Dr. Z, click here.
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