Déjà view

The announcers take a second turn on center stage

This one catches me in between a trip to Mendocino, Calif., a trip to Prague, a speaking engagement in Thunder Bay, Ont. (women were NOT allowed to attend, so the Redhead spent the evening in the hotel room playing jacks), therefore you'll have to forgive me if things get a bit disconnected. Besides, it's the deadest part of the offseason, unless you get excited about things such as franchise-player designations. Which means that I will not be able to answer the question from P.J. of Phoenix concerning the stadium situation. Not this week, anyway. But I'll make a few calls and get back to it with a more coherent reply.

The announcers column (was that only two weeks ago?) seems to have reaped the richest harvest, and -- surprise -- the team of Randy Cross and Kevin Harlan wears the donkey ears. Three people -- Charlie of Shoreham, N.Y., William of Chicago, Scott of Palatine, Ill., whom I'm sure speak for many others -- point out the monumental boner Cross and Harlan made at the end of the Bears-Patriots game -- the two-point vs. one-point conversion, etc. Yeah, I caught it, and I mentioned it at the time in a notes column, but I tried to make the end-of-season wrap-up piece on announcers a little more comprehensive than a hunting for individual gaffes, unless they followed a pattern. You try to judge on the overall performance, rather than one screw-up, even if it's spectacular, such as the Cross thing. Which also accounts for the fact that I didn't jump on Cris Collinsworth for that mistake he made at the end of the Giants-Niners playoff game, despite the urging of Josiah, from Scappoose (c'mon now, is this a real name?), Ore. Besides, I made the same mistake. The TV columnists who sit there picking at each individual line, like crows picking the raisins off a scone, well ... there's a name for them. They're called Rudy Martzkes. That's a team I never want to join.

More announcing and commentating -- Bruce, a former broadcaster from Hartford, Conn., finds many things that bother him. He deplores the death of the old-fashioned skill of accurate play-by-play reporting. Me, too. They just can't do it any more. Too busy with their storyline or something. It's a skill that needs work, but their employers don't seem to attach much importance to it. Second complaint from Bruce: too much blabbing. Absolutely. Third one: too much pseudo technical jargon. This doesn't bother me as much, when they really know what they're talking about, but to hear one of the sideline ornaments start spouting it sets my teeth on edge. I'll never forget a quickie post-gamer with Howie Long, when a sideline reporter mentioned, "You were really firing out," and in the utmost disgust he said, "Offensive linemen fire out. Defensive linemen come off the ball."

Mark of Pittsburgh, who works the booth at a number of college games, points out an interesting thing in the Eagles-Bucs NFC title contest. FOX brushed off Brian Mitchell's long opening-kickoff return, which included a blatant block in the back, because the TV folks were eager to set their lineups and get their show rolling. It seems that the canned stuff always takes precedence over live action that interferes with it.

Tim of Philly asks: "Is there anything more useless than the ridiculous sideline interviews?" Yes, the Denville, N.J., Municipal Traffic Court. And thanks for the kind words, Tim.

Kevin of Las Vegas wonders if perhaps the announcing job is more difficult than we assume, given the pressure from above to constantly hype. Yeah, I guess so, considering the worst drivel in the world comes through the headsets. Announcers with confidence in what they're doing manage to ignore it. I know when I tried it as third man in the booth one season, our boss was constantly telling us, "Have fun. If you have fun, the viewers will, too." So what he created was a giddy, almost hysterical approach to the action on the field.

Gary of Philly can't believe that FOX's Joe Buck, who he terms a baseball guy and a "yuppie jerk," didn't bother me. Oh, he might have been annoying at times, and I think I pointed that out, but there were a lot worse than him. But, you know, it's a funny thing about the way we react to these guys. Some of them absolutely rub us the wrong way, although others don't find them so bad. Then you get mad at the others who don't share your opinions. Pretty soon you're getting mad at just about everybody and one evening your wife says it is now time for the straight talk on "what is happening to you." Am I speaking from experience here? What do you think? The Redhead, incidentally, thanks you for the nice things you said about the old Niners and her dad.

To Ashok of San Francisco: I have given the Redhead your regards. She likes it when people think of her. Thank you for your comments about my work. I am just another young person trying to grope his way through this vale of tears. And now (drum roll, please) we come to the meat of this letter. "I am saddened to see that you lessened your standards this year." Ash, if you're saddened, think of how I feel. I don't know what got into me. I just decided to cut back on the ripping. Maybe it's the King Lear syndrome, the fear of a roaring old age. Maybe it's just the knowledge that the standards are very low and you can't keep beating a dead horse forever. Maybe it's a lack of courage. Or all the above. This I promise: Next year I will try to pull it together and make myself worthy of the standards you, and others like you, have set for me. On a happier note, thanks for your tip on Delfina. We'll try it next time we have a chance. On the subject of sleeper San Francisco restaurants, ever try the Hang Ah Tea Room? A dim sum place. I've been having great meals there for at least 40 years.

Finally, a plaintive little cry escapes Stephen of Clifton, N.J.? "I was wondering if you missed Dan Fouts at all this year." Indeed I did. A terrific analyst when not burdened by a whole mass of network claptrap.

Goodbye, announcers. Hello, general subjects. Brett of Brooklyn wonders if the modern NFL offense has gotten too complicated. Yes, and players are overcoached. All you have to do is look at the two or three or five or 10 times a game when the guy on the line fails to block the pass rusher directly across from him because they're running some weird scheme or something. The result is usually disaster. Now this is the way we do it, see? You block the guy in front of you. Got it? In FRONT of you.

Jeff of Greensboro, N.C., wants me to compare Elvin Bethea and Lee Roy Selmon with Reggie White. Hoo boy, a tough one. Well, Reggie was better than Elvin because he was more explosive. Reggie vs. Selmon? Tough, it's awfully tough. My top four DEs of all time are the aforementioned two plus Deacon Jones and Richie (Tombstone) Jackson. Please don't ask me to line them up in order at this particular time.

Mike of Jersey City wants the Cowboys' victory over the Dolphins and Miami's victory over Washington the following year included among the all-time best defensive Super Bowl performances. OK, they're up there, somewhere. I think I qualified Tampa Bay's achievement by stating that no team ever has had as complete a read on what the other team was doing as the Bucs did.

Bryan of Richmond, Ky., wants my take on Steve Largent's chances of becoming Seattle's next GM and working out an amicable relationship with Mike Holmgren. Peter King would be ashamed of me for this, but I haven't tuned in on the Hawks lately. The answer will have to wait. Part 2: What will happen to the replay rule at the league meetings? I haven't heard much stirring about here, but on another front, the thought of lengthening the overtime by giving both teams a shot terrifies me. Four hour games. Massive overlaps. Poof, go my charts.

Marcus of Montreal wonders where all this talk about the Bucs becoming a dynasty comes from. Probably from Tampa. You want to know what is meant by "a dynasty?" Try this statistic, which I think I must have mentioned triple-figure times: During the period of the Steelers' playoff run of the '70s, 1972 through '79, their record against teams that eventually finished the season below .500 was -- get ready -- 50-1. They simply did not lose to the bad teams. They were bullies, tough guys. A dynasty.

Mark, a Lions fan from Calgary, wants to know where the Mooch-Millen combo is headed. First off, it depends on what kind of personnel moves are made in the near future. Coach Mariucci hasn't impressed me with his astuteness in that department, but it might change. Remember, he didn't think much of Jeff Garcia in the beginning.

Another Canadian, Marc, of Irishtown, New Brunswick, says he is tired of everyone focusing the Patriots' offensive problems on Antowain Smith. Well, I think he's good enough to win with. Want the Patriots to improve? Two fixes needed, and here come the blinking lights ... O-line, D-line, O-line, D-line. Get the point? Fix those two or nothing's gonna work.

Bill Z. of Central Point, Ore., wonders how Dennis Erickson will do with the Niners, pointing out that at least he'll be more aggressive than Mooch was. He was a loser in Seattle. Mooch was a winner in San Francisco. That's an aggressive statistic. Don't start firing off the rockets just yet.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Paul Zimmerman covers the NFL for the magazine and SI.com. His "Inside Football" column and Mailbag appear weekly on SI.com. To send a question to Dr. Z, click here.

 

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