Half sorry

I made a rushed judgment on Irvin, but not on Rush

I'm saving the best for last. This is what is known as a tease, to keep you all glued to your TV sets.

So we'll proceed to the gentler rips.

Joe, a Vikings fan from River Falls, Wisc., wants to know which Dallas players from the mid-'90s (I'm guessing Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, possibly Larry Allen, Deion ... if '95-'99 qualifies him as a mid-'90s Cowboy) will make the Hall of Fame. He thinks I really blew it when I wrote that I probably wouldn't vote for Irvin.

Rob of Portland, Ore., is even more passionate on the subject. "Jimmy, somebody's gotta call Z out on this: Michael Irvin not in the Hall of Fame? Ninth all time in catches, 10th in yards (my book shows 12th and 11th, but maybe Rob's figuring in postseason) ... the quintessential big-game player, not to mention the ultimate warrior and locker-room leader. Pull your head out, Z. Admit you're wrong."

Not quite yet.

Patrick of Chicago, and I sincerely thank you for sticking up for me as my world collapses, lists four reasons why he likes me, and the fourth is, "You admit when you goof up."

So all this is setup for a giant mea culpa regarding No. 88 on the Cowboys' scorecard, and I could easily make some friends (and collect a few sneers) by doing the old about-face and saying "Yes, yes, yes, Irvin deserves enshrinement, how could I be so blind?" But for a few reasons, none of which involve off-the-field stuff, I am still not completely convinced, but what I will do is go back to all my charts, which show arcane things such as dropped balls and interceptions caused by the receiver (not the QB) and do a total work-up on Irvin. This is adding considerable labor to an already crowded calendar, but it's my way of telling you that yes, perhaps I was hasty in my evaluation of the guy. I'm gonna give him every chance. That's all I can do.

Greg of Cheektowaga, N.Y., wants to know what it'll take to get Bills' owner Ralph Wilson in the Hall of Fame. A slack year, when the competition isn't too tough.

Jeff of Huntsville, Texas., wonders if the Hall has room for the more offbeat contributors, such as announcers, or pioneers who have done much service for the league, such as NFL Films' Ed Sabol. Sure, but bring them into a special section of the Hall through a different door. I really don't think they should be classified with the Ray Nitschkes and Chuck Bednariks. I have a very good relationship with NFL Films and some of the loyal veterans there keep asking me if I can do anything to help Ed's cause, and I always tell them I will do what I can. And as I'm saying it, I can hear, in a corner of my mind, the strident beats of What Shall We Do With the Drunken Sailor? or Tchaikovsky's Marche Slav, which, for some reason, always was NFL Films' musical accompaniment to the grim struggles on the field.

Patrick of Chicago, Round 2: "What was the greatest year for Hall of Fame inductees? How about the worst?" Sorry, Pat. I'm on the road now ... Dolphins camp ... and I need my history books to answer your query. Take a rain check on this one, please. Once again, thank you for carefully enumerating the traits of mine that you found praiseworthy. I've just finished reading them for the eighth time. Four to go. I need to fortify myself. Storm clouds ahead. Do not change channels.

Jacob of Siloam Springs, Ark., where the trout are biting day and night, wonders why the Hall can't just declare a guy a Senior when he reaches a certain age, such as 60 . Because in the case of some of the kickers, they'd have been out of the game for only a couple of years. Just kidding. I think the distribution would be too uneven. Two guys end their careers at the same time, yet one could get five or more years as a modern candidate, which is an easier road to the Hall. And thanks for the kind words.

Michael of Pittsburgh (now) and Philadelphia (once and future), and anyone who's figured this out, please explain it to me, wants to know how much the Eagles' loss of return specialist Brian Mitchell will hurt. Well, last season he averaged 11.2 yards on 46 punt returns and 27 yards on 43 kickoffs. The league average was 9.5 and 21.8., respectively. So assuming that Brian Westbrook or whomever replaces Mitchell is average, that'll be 301.8 fewer yards this season, or 18.9 per game. But we're forgetting the intangibles. Mitchell is not a fumbler. And he's fearless returning punts others might fair catch, which acts as a jolt to the offense and sends it out with fire. Nevertheless, punt and kick returners make the rounds in this era of free agency, no matter how good they are, no matter how much lip service coaches pay to the importance of those skills.

From Ethan of San Diego: Which runners are the most fun to watch? Depends on how I'm betting the game. No, no, no, just kidding, Commissioner Tagliabue. For God's sake, just kidding! I haven't laid a bet since the Bears blew the '34 Championship to the Giants in the Sneakers Game. What was the question again? Oh, yes, which backs are the most fun? Your favorite, LaDainian Tomlinson, is a good call. Let's add Clinton Portis and Travis Henry and Charlie Garner. And, oh yes, Curtis Martin when he's right. And Marshall Faulk and Tiki Barber and, of course, Priest Holmes. Ricky Williams is very impressive, but I wouldn't exactly call him a "fun" runner. "Impressive" would be a better word. Oh man, the list is endless. You want my absolute No. 1? Well, just as a personal preference, the guy I root hardest for when he carries the ball is Warrick Dunn.

From Scott of Rochester, N.Y.: "Hi ho, and welcome to Rochester whenever you get here." Now THAT'S the way to start an e-mail. Hi ho. I'll be up there early next week. And off to work we go, la la. Question: Bills' coach Gregg Williams on the last year of his contract ... a problem, yes? Well, it is for Williams, especialy when Buffalo's first-round draft choice goes for a guy who won't be playing until next year. I don't think coaches' contracts affect the players, unless the guy's hated and they want to see him gone. Then they'll lay down. It's rare, but I've seen it. Won't happen on the Bills. Question No. 2: How about some offbeat Oregon or Washington wines? Oregon: Scott Henry Estates Pinot Noir. A real sleeper. Terrific. Very Burgundian. Washington: any of the dessert wines from Blackwood Canyon. I visited the place once. I tasted a barrel sample of a late harvest Riesling that had so much residual sugar that it was almost at the honey level. Took two years to fully ferment. A loony tunes wine, but what fun I had at that place. A lot of strange but interesting stuff.

Dave of Minneapolis wants to know which is a more difficult find, an outstanding cornerback or an outstanding tackle. By tackle, I assume you mean left tackle, a toe dancer, not a mauler. Here's the difference: A starting cornerback is expected to be excellent, or at least very skillful. What you want from a left tackle is someone who won't screw things up, who will give his guy a decent tussle, who won't get overrun. Hard to find an outstanding one, harder than the search for a classy corner. I know I have a hell of a time finding two tackles for my All-Pro team.

From Anthony of Broomfield, Colo. How exactly did I determine that the Broncos used to inflate their tackle and assist stats? By looking at their players' individual totals, which were out of whack with those of other teams in the league. By comparing Denver's to my own numbers. I might have a guy for five (total) tackles and assists (yes, I keep my own numbers), the Broncos' stat sheet would credit him with 10. It's been a standing joke around the NFL for years.

Dave of Gibsonia, Pa., asks how David Boston will do with the Chargers. I think he'll do just fine, if he stays healthy. Granted, Marty Schottenheimer loves the running game, but Boston is so big and talented a wideout that he has to be a large part of the attack.

Jeff of Portland, Ore. wants to know where a player's or a team's fine money goes. To the commissioner's Friendly Writers Fund, otherwise known as the FWF. Anyone who hasn't written an uncomplimentary piece about the NFL all year gets a free dinner at the Super Bowl. OK, Jeff ... just having a little fun before it all hits the fan in about three questions. I called the NFL to get an answer to your question and the money goes to four basic charities, two involving cancer, one for neuro-muscular research and one administered by the Players' Association called the Players Assistance Trust, which I'd imagine helps needy ex-players.

Joe of Washington, D.C., wants my take on the new-look (again) Cardinals. Makes me sad, because Dave McGinnis is one of the nicest guys in the league. They lost their QB and their All-Pro wideout. The first round of the draft produced two guys (WR Bryant Johnson and DE Calvin Pace) who were rated no better than third or fourth at their positions. Even if Emmitt has a decent year, it's just a delaying operation. It pains me to say this, but Arizona could be the worst team in football in 2003.

Scott of San Ramon, Calif., sees a dysfunctional -- and when a "y" replaces an "i" in a word like disfunctional, it's clearly a more serious problem -- 49ers team ("overbearing front office, mouthy wide receiver, a new coach who's lost more than he's won, after booting out one of the better coaches because he's the only sane one"). Do I agree? Sort of. I don't think the 49ers will crash because Jeff Garcia is too good a QB, and they'll still be able to run the ball, but now that Terrell Owens can't rip the coach, because Dennis Erickson is a down-the-field-guy, I wonder what he'll find to complain about, because this guy is a compulsive whiner. He'd be considered a cancer on the team if anyone took him seriously. Thanks for the compliment at the end, Scott, but why'd you have to add that reading my column is like "listening to my grandfather talk about football"? Oh, man. I mean, I'm old, but ... Why didn't you mention your great grandfather and tales of Walter Camp and T. Truxton Hare and the old guards-back formation?

OK, here it comes. Jimmy brightened my day Thursday by informing me that for every reader who approved of Rush Limbaugh rant two weeks ago, there were "at least 30 who ripped you." He included only one in the poop sheet he sends me, just to give me a general idea, but at my insistence he read some others until I hollered, "Basta! Enough!"

"Enough?" Jimmy said. "How about me? I had to read through all of them. And if I know you, the stuff you're gonna write is gonna produce a few hundred more for me to wade through."

George of Charleston, S.C., via Philly ("Go Eagles!") (Stay, Eagles!) was one of the more gentle critics because he actually offered some praise, but was still miffed because I let my political leanings color my analysis of this, uh, analyst. "I don't think you'd make the same comment if ESPN's 'voice of the regular guy' was Bill Clinton," he wrote. No, but the comments would be close. Clinton betrayed me and many others like me. I don't really like him, although compared to the guy in the White House now, he's looking better and better. I'd take a shot at ESPN --granted not as nutso a shot, but still a shot -- if it hired him. Who are my political heroes, you ask? Sen. Wayne Morse, Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia, Eugene V. Debs, the great labor activist of the World War I era, and Hubert Humphrey, before he got goofy. Enough of that. I have an intense dislike for Limbaugh and everything he stands for, and it's only freak appeal that landed him a job with ESPN.

Next ripper, please.

Ooh, here comes a good one. From Chicago, the home of the infamous Father Coughlin of pre-World War II days (yeah, I know, a grotesque cheap shot, but this is a battle in which everything goes), comes Mary H., and it's a shame that one of my few women e-mailers has to be on the side of the bad guys. Forgive me if I have a little trouble with this, because Jimmy dictated it to me in machine-gun style, eager to get off the phone and end this depressing conversation. OK, and I'll sum this up in phrases.

"Please justify your claim that Rush is stupid and mean...

"What are you afraid of? It's called the First Amendment, something you so-called journalists love to throw in everyone's faces, unless someone disagrees with your nanny... (Huh? Can't read my own writing ... wait a minute ... got it now) ... with your narrow-minded viewpoint...

"I just love you liberal hypocrites -- free speech is fine as long as everyone marches in lockstep with what you think...

"So much for your tolerance, Mr. Uptight Sportswriter."

My mother once sent me a letter that was written in such a white-hot anger that there were big blots on the page, and spots where the pen had ripped through the paper. I'd sure like to get a copy of this one, if it could have been done in the old fashioned pen-and-paper way. Nevertheless...

Rush (and to those of you who claim that I ripped him without ever listening to him, you are wrong ... I've heard him), represents, as I've mentioned, everything I hate in political and every other kind of commentary. Narrow-minded, intolerant, a sworn enemy of the disadvantaged, a friend of the power elite, against anyone who would dare to voice protest in an effort to alleviate human misery. One capsule describing where this guy's mind is. There was a story about some restaurant that had this gigantic lobster as some kind of pet -- very old, very big, kind of a personal treasure to the place and its patrons, a very special thing. Rush's reaction? He wanted to eat it, and would pay $2,000. Surely he was kidding, right? Nope, that's what he wanted to do. A trivial incident, I know, but I saw it as a microcosm of the guy's approach to things that are special and precious to others, but since it smacked of some kind of environmental preservation thing, Rush felt it had to be destroyed. Oh, he's a sweetheart.

As for the rest of Mary H's rant (my intolerance, along with that of the other liberal hypocrites, etc.) ... hey, I'm not advocating any kind of censorship on the guy. Free speech. First Amendment. Let him talk all he wants. But I'm also entitled to my rips. I'm allowed to take a shot at Rush or at ESPN for hiring a guy who's only recommendation is the ability to get people stirred up, me included. Fasten your seat belt, Jimmy. They'll be coming at you again.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Paul Zimmerman covers the NFL for the magazine and SI.com. His "Inside Football" column and Mailbag appear weekly on SI.com. To send a question to Dr. Z, click here.

 

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