Lookie there, Bubba

Jet-powered outhouses? Gotta like NASCAR's 'new image'

Disclaimer: I was born in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains to parents whose parents worked the land as if they owned it. I was raised in the South, educated in the South and I'm raising my own family in the South. (But I have visited New York City; try to find a can of Copenhagen in the Bronx.) All that is to say this is not a blue-blooded rant on the state of NASCAR. No, this is from the heart, a rant about how the sport continues to play up to its stereotype.

The news release came last week: "Neal McCoy Concert, Jet-Powered Outhouse Highlight Oct. 13 UAW-GM Quality 500 Pre-Race Show."

Neal McCoy, for those who don't know Charles Manson from Marilyn Manson, is a country music singer. His career has gone the way of The Real McCoys (the one-hit wonders, not the TV series, though both are off the radar), but Neal was a big-name star a few years ago.

A jet-powered outhouse race ... well, that's the riff.

Can't you just hear it: "Lookie there, Bubba, they got a motor on the john! ... Bet that flushes lickety-split!"

Well, it would if outhouses actually flushed. (See, told you I was from the South; my grandparents had an outhouse.)

The release went on to say, "Lowe's Motor Speedway officials announced today the UAW-GM Quality 500 pre-race show on Sunday, Oct. 13, will cover the spectrum of southern culture."

What, y'all thought The Beverly Hillbillies was a figment of Hollywood's imagination?

The release continued: "From a NASCAR Homecoming concert by two-time Country Music Association Entertainer of the Year Neal McCoy to a full-throttle demonstration by the world's only jet-powered outhouse, the pre-race festivities will leave race fans stomping their feet and clapping their hands."

Hee Haw! Where's Buck and Roy?

And furthermore: "Having made its world debut at The Dirt Track @ Lowe's Motor Speedway in August, Paul Stender's jet-powered outhouse will make its first appearance at a NASCAR Winston Cup event.

"One of the most unique vehicles on four wheels, the standard-size outhouse has been fitted with a jet engine and is capable of speeds approaching 40 mph as Stender guides the machine from the 'cockpit.'"

OK, so no arguing it's one of the "most unique vehicles on four wheels," but what's a "standard-size outhouse?" Is this something I can get from Lowe's or Home Depot?

Still think you've just gotta go (see this, I mean)? Here's more: "In fact, Stender will be doing triple-duty during the pre-race show. The Wisconsin resident will also present exhibitions with School Time, the jet-powered school bus, and Kamikaze, the jet ATV.

"School Time is powered by a J-34 Westinghouse jet engine, pumping out 17,000 horsepower with 6,000 pounds of thrust. The bus is equipped with flashing lights, folding stop signs and strobe lights."

Now, my grandmother went to her grave believing rasslin' is real and the pictures from the moon are fake. What would she think of modern-day NASCAR? Souped-up toilets? Strobe-light buses? Jet-powered four-wheelers? It's not enough that NASCAR's four-wheel billboards get a mention each time a pit reporter sticks a microphone in someone's face, but now the sport is playing to the lowest common denominator: rednecks who swear by Merle Haggard, possum in a can and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

NASCAR wants everyone to know it is the fastest-growing sport in America, and that it's strictly Madison Avenue with a lot of Wall Street influence. But it's a fraud when it allows a track to play to a stereotype that the sport -- hell, an entire section of the country -- tries so hard to overcome.

B. Duane Cross is a senior producer for CNNSI.com.

 

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