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A manner of speaking Fans should be on their best behavior in New YorkPosted: Tuesday December 03, 2002 1:37 PM
Welcome to the bright lights of the big city, race fans. Yep, New York City. The 2002 NASCAR awards ceremony is mere days away, and for a coach-class tour of what to expect, your ol' Uncle Bubba is here to take your money. Now, before we begin our journey around the Big Apple, note that it's just a nickname. There are no apples -- big, small, Granny Smith green or Washington red -- to be found, unless some street cretin is hawking fruit while walking though traffic. And there's a lot of traffic. It's not like cruising through downtown Aberdeen on a Saturday night, open container between your legs, Bee Gees blaring from the 8-track and a Confederate flag tied to the CB's five-foot whip antenna. So, be careful when crossing the street; red lights are only a suggestion.
And about the War for State's Rights, ladies, be sure to wear sleeves (or to-the-elbow gloves) so that the tattoos are covered. I know, it's a hoot at family reunions, but in mixed company it just comes off as gauche. Fellas, stock up on Skoal, Copenhagen or Kodiak; a roll should suffice for the weekend. Once inside the City That Never Sleeps, tobacco is tougher to find than a head full of teeth at Talladega. Also, don't walk down the street with your mouth agape. Nothing says "you ain't from around here" more than folks in greasy John Deere caps staring up at all the tall buildings. I know, the biggest thing in Mantee is the co-op, but at least act like you've seen re-runs of Seinfeld. Once you've seen all the sights, you'll probably be hungry. Note there are no chitlins in New York City, nor do the restaurants serve possum. This could come as a shock to your system, but try something that wasn't running around the front yard 30 minutes ago. Here's a couple things to know before pulling up a chair to the table (feel free to clip and save):
(Note: "Roe" is the eggs or the egg-laden ovary of a fish.)
When the check arrives, don't go all golly-jeez on the waiter. It's your fault for not noticing the menu didn't have prices. This ain't the Waffle House, sugar. Now, when you get back to the hotel, don't do anything you wouldn't want your neighbors to know. Everyone knows all the big-city hotels have hidden cameras so they can sell the tapes to the Spice channel. Nope, cutting off the lights won't help; the cameras are equipped with night vision, for obvious reasons. Once the festivities get under way, it's polite to clap. However, whoofing as Kurt Busch takes center stage is discouraged. As is popping a top, screaming Buussscccchhhhh and spewing the foam on those around you. Upon leaving New York, don't forget to turn out the lights. Everyone knows there's nothing tackier than visitors whose family trees don't fork forgetting their manners. B. Duane Cross is a senior producer for CNNSI.com.
Got a comment or question for Duane? Click here.
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