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Take the XFL, leave its announcers
Memo to Dick Ebersol and Vince McMahon: Your product doesn't offend me. Your announcers do. Big time. I was a McMahon-clone this weekend, promoting the bejesus out of the XFL so my eight-year-old, Teddy, would watch it with me. I know he's a little younger than the league's target audience, and I, at 49, am a little old. But no one has ever accused either of us of being prudish. We're sports fans, we're male -- and we were ready to be won over by the telecast. I'd told him about the race for the ball that replaced the NFL's coin toss; the microphones on players and coaches; the cameras in the locker room; the "no fair catch" rule. Teddy was dutifully pumped as we settled in front of NBC at 8 p.m. Saturday night, prime time for family viewing. "This is going to be fun," he said, genuinely excited. And I was genuinely curious. Would they really televise the cheerleaders showering? (No.) Was the "no fair catch" rule going to lead to lots of turnovers? (No.) Would we really hear the plays being called and listen in on halftime adjustments? (Yes.) Was it real football? (Yes.) The product was fine. Good, even. But the announcers kept going over the top with sophomoric sexual innuendo. When the first touchdown was scored on a tipped pass, play-by-play man Matt Vasgersian said the receiver had gathered in "sloppy seconds." Ahem. It had been awhile since I'd heard that phrase, and never in connection with football. When the broadcast switched to the closer game being played in Orlando, a shot of the scantily clad hometown cheerleaders was accompanied by this witty observation from the announcer: "I'm not down, I'm up right now!" Good going, pal. What quarter did you take your Viagra? As for Gov. Jesse Ventura, he was reasonably professional, mildly amusing and colossally embarrassing to every citizen in Minnesota. Listening to the state's top politico opining on Rod "He hate me" Smart's nickname had many of us wondering anew: What were they thinking? Sunday was worse. Truly offensive. One minute color commentator Brian "The Steroids Ate My Brain" Bosworth was praising God and fatherhood; the next he was snarling about "kicking ass," getting "pissed off" and Monica Lewinsky mumble-mumbling Bill Clinton's cigar. None of this was remotely clever or funny. It was schoolyard stuff, where the big kid with bad grades says dirty words and expects to get a laugh. Teddy actually said as much when "The Boz" mentioned something about "kissing my ass," observing, "That's what the big kids say on the bus." Bosworth was one of those kids about 25 years ago. Now he's pulling the same stuff in front of a national TV audience, with McMahon and Ebersol giggling in the row behind him and giving the driver the finger. But at least the Boz didn't use the f-word, which is more than some nameless producer can say. At halftime amidst the chaos and bleeping out of obscenity that was occurring in the locker rooms, a very distinct voice came across our TV. "Hey, John, I'm sorry I f----- you on that last one." Oh dear. Teddy turned to me with a grin. "What did he say?" "I'm not sure. Who's John?" "I think he said I'm sorry he ... bleeped you." Teddy had enough sense to censor himself. Why couldn't the XFL pooh-bahs show as much restraint as an eight-year-old? "Somebody had a mike on without knowing it," I explained. "I'm not sure this is appropriate for you." He didn't argue. He had wanted to watch the NHL All-Star game all along, so that's what we did. Which is too bad, because the football itself was kind of fun. The quick kick? Outstanding. The sideline interviews, in which reporters ask obnoxious questions to players and coaches in the heat of battle? Terrific. One of them's going to get drilled. The huddle-cam? Great stuff. The NHL, the NBA and Major League Baseball should all be taking notes on how to better get the viewer more engaged. Now if McMahon and Ebersol can find a few announcers who, in the XFL vernacular, "kiss their mothers with those mouths," their product might be fit to be shown on free TV. E.M. Swift is a Sports Illustrated senior writer and a regular contributor to
CNNSI.com. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.
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