Gem dandies

Athletes have gotten carried away with the bling-bling

Remember when athletes were humdrum dressers, seersucker types? On those occasions when they had to attend black-tie award dinners, they invariably looked uncomfortable in such fancy rented duds.

Now, you see athletes in wild, ersatz tuxedos that not even the tackiest movie stars wear to the Oscars. Tuxedos with crazy lapels. Tuxedos of powder blue. Tuxedos with colored shirts and big neck buttons instead of bow ties. Apparently, since athletes are required to wear uniforms to work, when they are in mufti, they go out of their way to be different. Nowadays, they only wear regular suits and ties when they are in a courtroom, on trial.

Oh well, let's get another huge, screaming tattoo. There's space yet available on my left thigh. If ever the admonition of "less is more" has been ignored it is with athletes and tattoos. Modern athletes like monstrous tattoos so much that some have already broached the idea of making their bodies into billboards, endorsing products.

But more than garish clothes and oversized tattoos, the stadium and arena peacocks cannot say no to jewelry. Not your zircons, not your bijoux. Hey, diamonds are a player's best friend ... well, next to himself. These guys are modern-day Midases. Every dollar they touch turns to gold ... or platinum ... or rubies ... or pearls. For their necklaces, their bracelets, their body-part accessories. A man traditionally gives jewelry to the woman he loves, so the woman will be prettier and adore him more. Now, an athlete cuts out the middlewoman and just gives jewelry to the man he loves most -- himself -- so he can be prettier and adore himself more. And more. And more.

Both Bill Romanowski, then of the Broncos, and Jalen Rose, then of the Pacers, have had jewelry worth a quarter-of-a-million dollars stolen from them as they traveled. Hey, what's the point of jewelry if you can't lug it around with you? The other evening, Charles Oakley of the Chicago Bulls left a Gucci bag containing a measly $50,000 worth of valuables in a limo while he partied. Clever thieves made off with Mr. Oakley's precious ornaments while he was otherwise engaged.

Now, here is what was in the Gucci bag: One $30,000 watch, one $16,000 watch, one DVD player in the $1,000-3,000 range and three cell phones of indeterminate value. Question No. 1: Who needs to carry three cell phones at a time? Question No. 2: Who needs two watches at a time? Question No. 2A: If you have a watch with you, what good is it unless it's on your wrist so you might glance at it to tell the time? Oh well, as Mr. Oakley sighed about the inconvenience of the robbery: "This is everyday life."

Jewelry, in this everyday life, has become so important to athletes that they no longer refer to winning a championship. No, it is winning a ring. A championship cannot be seen. Ah, but the ring is an opaque object which allows you to literally wear victory. It has come to mean more than the accomplishment it stands for. And, of course, all championship sports rings are gargantuan, conspicuous in their tastelessness. They are the size of cantaloupes, so big that soon even football players will not have fingers large enough to hold them.

It's almost time for the first championship tiara.

Sports Illustrated senior contributing writer Frank Deford is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com and appears each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition. His new novel, The Other Adonis (Sourcebooks Landmark), is available now at bookstores everywhere.

The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

 

Related information
Stories
Frank Deford's Insider Archive
Multimedia
Visit Video Plus for the latest audio and video
Search our site	Watch CNN/SI 24 hours a day
	Sports Illustrated and CNN have combined to form a 24 hour sports news and information channel. To receive CNN/SI at your home call your cable operator or DirecTV.