I'm not much of a saver. In fact, the only thing I collect are those little shampoo bottles from hotels. I have the world's largest collection of little hotel shampoo bottles. I'm certain of this because nobody else would be so idiotic as to collect these foolish keepsakes. And my collection has swelled lately because I've been traveling abroad.
As you know, this is a tough time for an American to be away from home, because so many others overseas believe the U.S. is acting in such a dominating and self-centered fashion. Since sports is the global unifier, though, it can ease tensions among all peoples of good will. But even in sports we must be sensitive. So, here are some tips for the American sports fan abroad:
Never bring up college football. Non-Americans just can't understand why so much of the attention we pay to higher education is done at the stadium.
Wholeheartedly agree that it is pompous and typically insensitive of us to call it the World Series, when it only involves North American teams. You are encouraged, however, to mention that Ichiro Suzuki was the Most Valuable Player in the American League last season.
Likewise, especially on the far side of the international date line, casually note that Tiger Woods is half-Asian.
To please all sports fans, regardless of citizenship, though, the most important name to mention -- reverently -- is Michael Schumacher. Schumacher is the most famous athlete in the world ... except, of course, here in the good ol' U-S-of-A, where no one knows him from Adam. Well, you yahoos, Schumacher happens to be the planet's most fabulous race car driver. However, please note: If you do show your worldly sports knowledge by discussing Schumacher, do not -- repeat, do not -- bring up NASCAR. Do not, for example, say, Yeah, and we have our own great NASCAR drivers like Jeff Gordon and Rusty Wallace. To Schumacher admirers, this is like hearing Placido Domingo sing at La Scala and then referencing Garth Brooks or the Dixie Chicks.
Assure all those you meet that it is, surely, only a matter of years before soccer becomes as popular in the U.S. as it is everywhere else. Explain that it is only a few rubes, hopeless Philistines and narrow-minded America-firsters in the media who keep soccer from its deserved place at the top. However, do not make the mistake of then talking about what a great thing it was that the U.S. men's soccer team advanced to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Remember: America's teams are never a Cinderella story. Never.
Likewise, when discussing the NFL, always refer to it as "American football." Do not, however, cite the size of our players. It seems to me that much of the world sees see gargantuan American football players as the athletic metaphor for American foreign policy.
In England, never say "Wimbledon" or the "British Open." Rather, they are "The Championships" and "The Open."
Agree that the U.S. getting whipped at the World Basketball Championships was "good for basketball." (This is a real gimme, since most of us were unaware there was a World Basketball Championship.) For special brownie points, salute the country that won the World Basketball Championship, which was ... uh. If you can manage all these things, you will be a wonderful ambassador for our country. Maybe then you can even learn the metric system and understand what the temperature is when it's given in Celsius.
Sports Illustrated senior contributing writer Frank Deford is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com and appears each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition. He is a longtime correspondent for HBO's Real Sports and his new novel, An American Summer (Sourcebooks Trade), is available now at bookstores everywhere.
