Reviews of a different sort

Golf and music go together like health clubs and bacon burgers, cowboys and space aliens, Bobby Knight and mimes. A couple of years ago, a roving TV golf reporter coaxed musician Glenn Frey, formerly of the Eagles, into an on-camera interview during the Bob Hope Classic. Frey was asked why he'd never written any songs about golf. "Because they wouldn't be any good," he answered.

Frey knew what he was talking about. Golf is a uniquely selfish game. Hearing a song about golf often is like listening to your buddy give a blow-by-blow recap of his round. It's fascinating stuff to him but to no one else. Moaning about bad shots elicits no sympathy, it just robs you of what little respect we had for you in the first place. Talk about your good shots or famous courses you've played that we haven't and, well, we're not happy for you, either. It's a no-win world because golf, ultimately, is all about us, not you.

I bring this up only because a pair of golf music CDs fell into my hands last year, and I thought enough effort was put into them to warrant at least a little attention before they vanish into the vast entertainment abyss known as Stuff That Happened 15 Minutes Ago: golfsongs by the Divots (available at thedivots.com) and The Golf Album by Brandon Ayre (golfalbum.com).

Golf has been mentioned in the occasional song, by artists as diverse as Alanis Morissette (Right Through You) and Barenaked Ladies (Same Thing). A search on Web site CDNOW found three songs with " Tiger Woods " in the title: Dan Bern's Tiger Woods (forgettable), Penelope Houston's Ballad of Happy Friday and Tiger Woods (weird and forgettable) and Cherry Poppin' Daddies' Swinging With Tiger Woods. Interestingly, a search for Jack Nicklaus turned up nothing.

However, full albums devoted to golf are rare. The all-time best, by far, is the first cassette put out by Jake Trout & the Flounders, the group made up of pro golfers Peter Jacobsen, the late Payne Stewart and Mark Lye. A la Weird Al Yankovic, they rewrote lyrics to hit songs and got star-quality professional musicians to back them up. The Flounders' Square Grooves Are Goin' outrocks the original Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon, and their Attackers of the Flag is zippier than Bruce Hornsby's original Defenders of the Flag.

The history of classic original golf music is slim. A few years ago, someone produced a collection called Golf's Greatest Hits, which showed just how woeful golf does in the music department. It was mostly dreadful stuff. Straight Down the Middle, a nostalgic ditty sung by Bing Crosby that ABC once used as its golf telecast theme, is poorly done here by Ray Reach. The witty spoof Golf's a Bitch, and Then You Die by J.F. Knobloch is the only song among the other 16 offerings worth a listen, not counting famed vibes player Milt Jackson's instrumental Sittin' in the Sandtrap.

The only other all-golf offering in recent memory I'm aware of was Tee It Up by Billy Mac (about three years old; you can still get a used copy via Amazon.com). It featured some good piano playing, gritty vocals and interesting song titles (Arnie's Army, The Old Course, Augusta Sweet Augusta), but never really came together (although several Amazon.com customers posted glowingly positive reviews) and once again proved Frey correct.

Anyway, for your listening pleasure:

golfsongs, the Divots

The group: Three guys and lots of jangly electric guitars.

Derivative: Creedence Clearwater Revival meets The Byrds in a two-car collision. (In fact, the CD's first song, Worm Burner, starts a little like CCR's Bad Moon Risin'' . )

Highlight reel: The most fun song is Jesper Parnevik, an upbeat ode to the eccentric Swede. ("Perhaps the zaniest golfer you've ever seen/He's a half-crazed, half-whacked shot-making fiend/Jesper is a Euro-jock, his native land is Sweden/Come Sunday at the tournaments, you'll often find him leading. ... To win the majors is his goal I've often heard him say/I hope to see him in Augusta green and drainpipe pants someday.") The only drawback is the Divots shout his name as JESS-per, with a hard J, instead of its correct Swedish pronunciation, YESS-per. Also, good vibes on Driver, a slower look at every player's quest for a driver s/he can hit straight. ("If I had a driver, would you love me more?/Or maybe use me for it?/Tell me lies and things?/Would you make me quit the game/If I had a driver ...")

Biggest letdown: On Driving to St. Andrews, an idea with potential, no details lead you to believe the songwriter has ever been near the place. From loading up the "wreck" of a car (I hope they were starting in Scotland, not the States, otherwise they faced a long, wet drive), to pulling up in the parking lot and checking with the starter to get a tee time (you haven't been able to do that for years at the popular Old Course), nothing in this song rings true. Which, after the Jesper mispronunciation, makes you wonder how golf savvy this group really is.

Best crow mention: In Country Club, "Country club wife looking dolled up and pretty/Living for the status and shopping in the city/Has her hubby's checkbook and she yaps like a crow/Having an affair with the young-stud assistant pro." Reminds me of the Wisconsin club pro years ago who got fired after he was caught in action with the 16-year-old twin daughters of a club member, but that's another story.

If only ...: The Divots could sing. The vocals are weak.

Comment: Good energy. With their driving beats, the Divots would be fun at a party or a live performance. Would I sit in a dark room and listen to their CD? Nah, but I'd say the same thing about the Rolling Stones.

Grade: C-plus

The Golf Album, Brandon Ayre

The performer: An emergency-room doctor by trade who used to be in show business and has a professional, very pleasing voice, good guitar work and a sense of humor; plays hard-driving rock, slow ballads, country swing, blues and even old-style country.

Derivative: Garth Brooks arm wrestles with Brian Setzer.

Highlight reel: It Was Good, a smooth, hypnotic ballad about the agony of a missed putt; Play a Little PGE, a swingy song in which the acronym stands for Protect your Golf Ego, as in, "You would've made that nine times out of 10 so we're gonna give it to you, then it ain't lyin'/Go on, protect your golf ego"; Chilidipper, a rocking good laugh about an annoying shot; Slow Shadows, a hymn-like ballad on the end of the golf day.

Best free plug for this column: In The Dreaded Straight Ball, "Just aim it at the trap, it'll curl right back/You've got slice like a sickle/It's a brass wedding ring, a dependable thing/Though I wouldn't give you a nickel because one time a round/You hit the dreaded straight ball."

Best Johnny Miller mention: In Golf Rehab, a frustrated golfer's line, "I don't care what Johnny Miller said/Those tips made me a monkey/I just can't play and that is that."

Biggest letdown: A promising title, Iron Necktie, about choking on a short putt, is saddled with a child-like melody that belongs on Barney.

Warning, Garth: If, like me, you hate slide guitars and twangy country music, Ayre has at least three tracks you'll have to skip.

If only...: He'd lose the Merle Haggard- ish tunes.

Best lyrics that probably were really said: An exchange on Golf Rehab between a wife and a golf-addicted husband. Wife: "I hear golf clubs. You quit, remember?" Husband (lying): "I'm just going to the dry cleaners. I'll be back in four or five hours.

Comment: Very polished performer, excellent singer, remarkably versatile. No matter what your musical taste (OK, forget classical), you're bound to find a couple of cuts you'll enjoy. Would definitely like to be at the Christmas party at his house.

Grade: B

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