Hack or highly skilled?

An easy guide to golf's two sets of rules

A year ago, Arnold Palmer said it was not cheating to use the Callaway ERC II driver even though the United States Golf Association banned it from competition. Palmer, a USGA spokesman, half-joked that he'd punch a Golf Channel interviewer in the nose if he referred to it as cheating. Well, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck ...

The whole controversy was such a black eye that to spiff up his battered image, Palmer and a ghostwriter wrote a book, Playing By the Rules. (Please, no snickering.)

Correction: Snicker at will. Palmer gets the last laugh. It's not cheating anymore. Arnie was simply ahead of the curve. Golf has two sets of rules now, thanks to a deal between the USGA and the Royal & Ancient Golf Club, the governing body for most of the rest of the world.

One set of rules is for hacks like us. We are now allowed to use all the high-tech gear, including the previously banned ERC II, as Palmer suggested. The other set of rules is for "highly skilled players." Equipment advances and regulations will be restricted for that group, primarily the professional tours. No ERC II for them.

This rules split needs clarification because, in the words of Carly Simon, "You're so vain." You probably think this column is about you, don't you? Don't you? You probably think that you, too, are a highly skilled golfer.

Not so fast, Hackmeister. To avoid problems, you must know which rules apply to you. To help out, because that's the kind of guy I am, I have devised the following 10-step test to determine whether you qualify as a highly skilled player or just another chop. Make sure you use a No. 2 pencil.

1. Do your golf shoes have kilties? You know, those little fringed, leather flaps that cover your shoelaces for the purpose of ... uh, well, that's classified government information. If you have kilties, you're no highly skilled golfer. Stick to decoupage and stamp collecting.

2. Do you receive free equipment? Like a driver, say, from a Titleist representative? Or a new pair of shoes every month, whether you needed them or not? Have you ever actually bought a dozen golf balls since you were in high school? If the answer is no, go back to the bass-fishing show you were watching on ESPN.

3. Have you ever uttered any of the following sentences on a golf course:

"I know what I'm doing wrong, I just can't stop it." ... "You wanna play the usual today -- bingo-bango-bongo?" ... "I play whatever kind of ball I can find. They're all the same." ... "I found this new driver at Sam's Club for $29 and it's solid titanium!" ... "Good thing I brought a ball retriever." ... "I dunno, what's an automatic 1 down?" ... "Hey, is that Tiger Woods really as nice as he seems?" ... "Oh, just give me a 6." ... "The best thing to do in a lightning storm is to hold up a 1-iron. You know why?" ... "Good out." ... "Say, how much does it cost to play a round on that course where they hold the Masters?" ... "I gave that putt to myself." ... "Hey, you! Across the street by that swing set! How about a little help?"

If so, you're not quite ready for the Skills Challenge. Resume your position on the La-Z-Boy.

4. When you pull your clubs out of the trunk of your car, is your bag already attached to a pullcart? And do you still have a persimmon wood? Unless you were recently thawed out after being frozen in ice, you are not highly skilled ... no matter how good you are with a slide rule.

5. Do you bring a cooler to the course? Do you bring a cellular phone and use it repeatedly? You're not only unskilled, you're annoying. But while you're at it, pick me up a couple hundred shares of WorldCom at 2 1/4 or better. Thanks.

6. Somewhere in your bag, do you have a range ball with a stripe on it? Do you have a whole bag full of Titleist Pro V1s labeled "practice"? I knew Joe Practice, Senator, and you're no Joe Practice.

7. Do you check the scorecard before a round to see where your stroke holes are? Is the closest you've been to scratch the time you caught poison ivy while searching for the Pinnacle you sprayed into the woods at the Yale Golf Club? You're unskilled ... and probably still driving a Chevette.

8. Do you play from the back tees? Oh. Have you ever played from the back tees? Oh. Resume your rounds, nurse.

9. Do you have a telescoping ball retriever in your bag? That's a dead giveaway. Go ahead, return to watching Matlock reruns.

10. Have you ever made three birdies in a row ... had a makable putt for an eagle ... broken 80 ... needed birdie on the last hole to break 70 ... holed a bunker shot ... been under par for nine holes ... teed it up in a USGA qualifier ... had your score in the local newspaper?

No? Congratulations. You're promoted to head golf writer.

Mailbag

Is there any cachet in winning those Continental Opens? I watched bits of the Spanish and French Opens on The Golf Channel recently. The fields for both seemed competitive and the courses at least looked worthy. Why don't the American pros, i.e., Tiger, look to hang a few of those trophies on their walls?
—Joe Zubrick, Presque Isle, Maine

Let's see, Joe. The American pros can stay here; catch a Sunday-night flight and get home after a tournament; and play for twice as much money and World Ranking points. Or they can spend eight or 10 hours on planes flying across the ocean; hassle with customs; change money; deal with language problems; and, unless they finish in the top five, win less than they'd make in a one-day corporate outing back home. I give up, Joe, why don't they play more in Europe?

I recently saw a celebrity-tour event here in SoCal. What a joke! Why anyone would pay to watch Andy Van Slyke play golf is beyond me. (I got freebies, of course!) Do Van Slyke, Jack Wagner and all the NFL QB has-beens really need the three grand that badly?
—Mike (Mannix) O'Connor, Coronado, Calif.

Mannix, you tough-guy hunk, you're missing the point. It's not about the cash (although I would quit my job and turn pro immediately if they'd let me play the celeb tour for this kind of jing). The celeb tour is an autograph show where the signers you want play golf while you wait for them to finish. From the celebs' viewpoint, it's competition. Van Slyke doesn't have a senior baseball league. Few, if any, of these guys are good enough for the Senior tour. The competition is fun for them. The dough is just a nice benefit. So how many more of these columns do I have to write to be considered a celebrity? C'mon!

Here's a tip from a Pittsburgher who moved to California three years ago. When you get a new pair of shoes or spikes (without the convenient lock system, of course), take out each spike and, with a cotton swab, dab a little Vaseline into each spike. Then screw the spikes back in, nice and tight. Whenever it's time to change, they'll unscrew without a problem. And don't worry about a spike dropping off on the course; never happened to me.
—Michael Krogmann, Los Angeles

Thanks, K-Man. But you're in La-La Land and this is the best tip involving Vaseline that you can give me? You're just not trying.

For changing your spikes, try needle-nose pliers. They worked for me.
—Chris Wray, Hilton Head, S.C.

You mean I've been wasting all this time using a ballpeen hammer? In the words of Sign Boy, Dang!

I have two tips for your cleat-changing woes. First, pay up and get the soft spikes with metal threads. It's an extra couple bucks, but worth it. Second, don't use the conventional spike wrench designed for hard spikes. There is a tool designed specifically for softies that uses the spikes for torque, not the tiny holes.
—Mark Atchity, Huntington Beach, Calif.

Thanks, Mark, but I've got that tool. The problem is the Black Widow spikes. They grip better and I prefer them, but they shear and break off entirely, leaving just the green base and those tiny holes. Maybe I should use my heat vision.

With Tiger starting another one of his "stretches" of tournament play, a buddy and I thought of a question. Why does Tiger play the same dang tournaments every year? We both love Tiger and completely understand the financial benefits and homage aspect (playing Jack's, Arnie's and Byron's tournaments), but why does it have to be the same group of 15-20 tournaments all the time? Has he overextended himself with endorsements and such to the point where he is stuck with this group of events for the rest of his career?
—Chris Lindy, Evansville, Ind.

Figure it out, Lindbergh. Four majors. Four World Golf Championships. The Players Championship. Arnie, Jack and Byron. A couple of overseas trips for appearance money (like New Zealand, Germany). Pebble Beach, how can you argue that? Disney, he lives in Orlando. He grew up in L.A. and usually plays there. He loves Las Vegas and that's where his teacher, Butch Harmon, is based. That's 18 events, and he intends to play only 22 or 23 -- not counting the Silly Season, where he inexplicably plays so much that he seems tired at the start of the next year. Tiger did play Doral for the first time this year, but given his core of must-play events, factor in defending his title and the tour calendar (he's not going to play the week before a major or more than three or four weeks in a row), and Tiger's schedule, indeed, won't change much.

Maxfli has a set of irons that begin with muscle backs in the short irons and progress to cavity backs as the loft decreases.
—Ben Storey, Seattle

Thanks for the info, Storey-Time.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Gary Van Sickle writes for the magazine's Golf Plus section and is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com. Click here to send him a question or comment.

 

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