New-age golf terms

Here is a glossary of new golf expressions for the 21st century, as requested last week by a reader. Gee, I had no idea you people were this creative. (And, no, I don't mean those of you who sent in army golf or military golf, as in left-right-left-right. At least nobody came up with tweet-tweet for a birdie, possibly the lamest cliché of all.)

If your suggestion doesn't appear below, that's only because it wasn't deemed funny enough, not original enough (Phil Mickelson and John Daly were popular choices of the failed attempts) or beyond the boundaries of even my bad taste. I know, that's hard to believe. Your new golf phrases for the 21st century:

Al Gore: Putt that came up just short. (Todd Gambit, Chicago)

Ally McBeal: Shot hit thin. (Todd Gambit, Chicago)

Archie: Ball hit into bunker. (John Colasurdo, East Windsor, N.J.)

Berra: 8. (Brad Serton, Boston)

Bolivian: When your putt stops just short of the hole and you needed just one more revolution. (David Rosenberg, San Francisco)

Bobby Bowden: Putt that misses wide right. (Mike McQueen, El Paso, Texas)

Edward James Olmos: Putt knocked off line by aeration holes on a pock-marked surface. (Jason Smith, San Antonio)

Frankie Yankovich: Shot pulled to the left. (Bruce Furlin, Milwaukee)

Hork: Generic term for any poorly played shot, especially short putts. Also a verb: He really horked that one. (John Colasurdo, East Windsor, N.J.)

Jeter: 6. (Brad Serton, Boston)

JFK Jr: When you put three in the water. (Andrew Ethridge, Kitchener, Ontario)

Kareem: Skied hook, as in Abdul-Jabbar. (Mike McQueen, El Paso, Texas)

Lorena Bobbitt: Wicked slice. (Mike McQueen, El Paso, Texas)

Luca: Ball hit in the water that now sleeps with the fishes. (John Colasurdo, East Windsor, N.J.)

Mantle: 7. (Brad Serton, Boston)

Messier: 11. (Brad Serton, Boston)

Mick Jagger: Lipped-out putt. (Curt, Cerritos, Calif.)

Nelson Rockefeller: A putt left dead in the hole. (Jim Poppe, Great Neck, N.Y.)

O.J.: Incredible good fortune, as in getting away with murder. (Kevin, New Brunswick, N.J.)

Pavarotti: Someone who gives a lame excuse for missing an early tee time. (Todd Gambit, Chicago)

Rush Limbaugh: Shot that is fat and to the right. (Jeff Brown, Durham, N.C.)

Scott Norwood: See Bobby Bowden. (Mike McQueen, El Paso, Texas)

Seger: Shot played against the wind. (Todd Gambit, Chicago)

Son-in-law: Shot that wasn't what you had in mind. (Tom Andrews, Hoboken, N.J.)

Sonny Bono: Shot into the trees. (Curt, Cerritos, Calif.)

Taxable: Chunked shot that creates an oversized divot so big you may face a real-estate penalty. (D. Casperowitz, Milford, Conn.)

Vanna White: In best-ball match play, your birdie attempt after your partner has already made his par, thus giving you a free spin. (Chris Kuhn, Springfield, Mass.)

Van Patten: 8 on the card, as in Eight Is Enough. (Tom Davenport, Santa Rosa, Calif.)

Yasser Arafat: From Gary McCord, a shot that is ugly and in the sand. (Dan, Cambridge, Ontario)

Thanks for all the new phrases. I'm partial to the Nelson Rockefeller line. if you don't get it, I suggest you look up the reported details of his death.

Where, oh, where, does my bobblehead go?

Meanwhile, let's go to the Mailbag and check out your top 10 suggestions for what I should do with my Tiger Woods bobblehead doll, ranked by cleverness according to my hopelessly irrelevant opinion. If your line didn't make the cut, thanks for the effort. You will you will be the beneficiary of total consciousness on your deathbed. Or something.

10. Place it in the gallery with the rest of the fans watching Sergio García. If they have to bob their heads for over 40 seconds waiting for García to hit the ball, the doll might as well join them.
—Murray, Regina, Saskatchewan

9. Place your Tiger Woods bobblehead on your Odyssey 2-Ball putter. It will help solve your (clubhead) weight problem, and it never hurts to have Tiger help you line up your putts. Besides, with the volume of long ones you hit, you will get almost as much bobbling there as you would mounting it on a golf cart.
—Marc Frandsen, Surprise, Ariz.

A dig at my golf game. Ow, I'm wounded, Mark. Nice try, but I think you never should have moved out of Saw It Coming, Nev.

8. Put your Tiger bobblehead doll next to your swimsuit poster of Elin Nordegren. They're such a cute couple!
—Rick Lang, Countryside, Ill.

7. Make your bobblehead Tiger your garden gnome. ... Attach your bobblehead Tiger to the head of your bed but take it down when parents or in-laws visit! I hope some of these are stupid enough for you to run!
—Lennard Teo Wee Seng, Singapore

Thanks for your list of 10 things, Lennard. Congratulations, some of them were indeed sufficiently stupid.

6. On the fireplace mantle next to your ceramic Elvis. ... As an extra in Toy Story 3.
—Adam Kent, Durham, N.C.

I think you've got me confused with someone else, Adam. My fireplace mantle features a collectible Star Trek plate with a scene from the Good Kirk/Bad Kirk episode.

5. Glue the base to the top of a Phil Mickelson or David Duval bobblehead and see if they can take the pressure. Doubt it.
—Glen Dixon, Arcadia, Calif.

4. 1) Take it to the range and see how far you can hit his head. Use a Callaway driver. 2) Buy a Red Ryder BB gun and have your son take shots at it from 50 feet. 3) Take it back. You spent too much on it.
—Butch McCamy, Columbus, Ga.

I think driver is too much club for a bobblehead, Butch. I was thinking 4-iron, with a helping wind.

3. Strap it to your lawnmower so you can get the same feeling Tiger gets going through the competition.
—Steve Ulp, Winston-Salem, N.C.

Thanks, Steve. I'll be sure to pass that suggestion on to my stable of manservants.

2. High score in your regular foursome must display the Tiger bobblehead in a place of prominence at work and home until the next round.
—Charles Hartman, Portsmouth, Va.

Good idea. Some guys I know used to take a bib on a golfing road trip, and whoever complained/moaned/whined the most had to wear it on the course until somebody else whined. It was a great attitude-fixer.

1. Put it next to the bobblehead that appears on the Underground Golfer graphic. That's not really your head, is it?
—Todd Shipman, Madison, N.J.

Of course not, Todd. My actual head got blown off in the war.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Gary Van Sickle writes for the magazine's Golf Plus section and is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com. Click here to send him a question or comment.

 

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