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Who will win the Ryder Cup? Posted: Tuesday September 24, 2002 4:15 PM
So here are my predictions for the Kentucky Derby: Seabiscuit: Still dead. Secretariat: Sorry, should that be office administrator? Northern Dancer: Great on the pole, not as good in the lap. Oh. You'd rather talk about the other derby this week, the Ryder Cup. Fine.
FIVE REASONS THE U.S. WILL WIN The golf doesn't have to be good to be exciting, just close. It's kind of like sex.
Given Tiger Woods' comment that he'd rather win the American Express Championship (and $1 million) than the Ryder Cup, is our game going the way of the rest of the sports world? As always, the guy who works 9-to-5 ends up paying the freight. Every time I buy some Nikes, I pay for Woods' $50 million endorsement deal. I, for one, am getting fed up.
Guess you're not really fed up yet, Larry. You still bought the Nikes. Turn your back on the rich guys and their sponsors, and something might happen. But as long as you keep supporting them, it'll get worse. Aside: Tell Moe to quit pulling your hair out, geez. It's gross, man.
What happened to Jesper Parnevik? He used to be such an awesome iron player. I thought with his new bionic hip all was resolved. If you happen to see him, please tell him that if he doesn't win again, I'll have to stop dressing like him. Also, what's his favorite cigar?
Jesper is having trouble with the putter, among other things. I don't know his brand of cigar. If the Euros win the Cup this week, I'll ask him at the press conference.
I'm confused. Suzy Whaley wins a PGA section championship playing from different tees than her male competitors and earns a spot in the Greater Hartford Open. In our new era of equality, is there any avenue for a man to do something similar and qualify for an LPGA Tour event? Just wondering. Better yet, maybe I should present this question to Martha Burk!
A lot of moms have played well on the LPGA, Mannix. Try having a baby. That might get you a sympathy exemption.
FINALLY, leftovers from the Augusta controversy that I feel you deserve to read:
You are a MORON. Go live in Cuba where you'll enjoy utopia with other commie pinkos.
I'll give Elian Gonzalez your regards, Burlap-sack-Man.
Easier solution to the Augusta situation: Have a current member undergo a sex change. What would the pooh-bahs do then?
Move up to the front tees. What else? 2. Fortysomethings. Captain Curtis Strange had some question marks on his team: Paul Azinger has had trouble keeping Band-Aids on his game; Mark Calcavecchia bemoaned the fact that he couldn't make 2-footers and intimated that he was thinking of having another affair with the yips; Hal Sutton was listed as missing in action. Well, Azinger and Calc rang up six birdies each the last day in Ireland. They're both rumored to be partnering with Woods -- Zinger in alternate shot, Calc in best ball. We'll see. There's life in these ol' hosses yet, apparently. Sutton has been working hard and thinks he's seeing results. Even if he doesn't play, he'll be a kick-ass cheerleader and inspiration in the team room. 3. David Duval. Look for him to be the surprise Yank of the week. He's been down all year, so much so that Tuesday during the obligatory pre-Ryder Cup press confab, he said he was tired of being asked about the state of his game. If you'd watched all his rounds at the AmEx, he said, you'd have seen how well he played. He had a 65 one day, but during that closing 76 he said he hit 14 greens but messed up his score on two or three bad swings. "I'm right where I want to be," he said. Duval does not b.s. I believe him. Also, if I don't, he may beat me up. Throw in Philly Mick, too. Mickelson hasn't won a major yet, but in case you haven't noticed, he's a match-play killer. He loves match play. Looooooves it. Look for him with the steady David Toms in best ball. They won't lose. 4. The Euro team is one large car wreck. Darren Clarke was grim last week in Ireland. Woods felt so sorry for him, he offered Clarke a few tips on the range. (Or perhaps he was trying to screw Clarke up worse.) Lee Westwood, Clarke's usual partner, has fallen out of the top 100 in the World Ranking like a piano from a balsa-wood glider. (Got that from Analogies 'R' Us; it was in the everything-must-go, 50-cent stack). Philip Price is playing scary-bad. Euros are still ticked Pierre Fulke, the invisible man, even made the team. And Paul McGinley is unhappy to be so off form this year. Has anyone seen Jesper Parnevik? And it's not like Colin Montgomerie is on a tear. It's only 8-on-8 for two days, and a team needs only four members playing really well to keep it close. But the Euros may have too many stiffs to hide. Who let the dogs out? 5. The captain. Strange is no James T. Kirk, but he knows his players, and I think he's pretty confident. More than he's letting on to a writer like me, who would, of course, immediately put something like that into a tabloid headline: WORLD WAR II BOMBER FOUND ON MOON! Or something like that. Strange's guys are better. He knows it. They know it. He's just going to leave them alone, let them go about their business, and wrap up a Cup. You won't see Curtis rolling up in a cart to help Toms decide whether to hit a hard 7-iron or bump an 8-iron, like Seve Ballesteros did in 1997. FIVE REASONS EUROPE WILL WIN 1. Tiger Woods isn't really on his A game. He was only at A- last week, the tournament just happened to be on an easy course. Also, one man can't make that big of a difference. Plus, he has no super partner. His pairings in the Ryder Cup have been as solid as Ben Affleck's relationships. Easy come, easy go. Tiger and J-Lo? 2. The young guns. Sergio Garc’a and Niclas Fasth will be Europe's studs. If you're reading, Sam Torrance, put them together. Padraig Harrington and Thomas Bjorn also play their guts out. And they'd better, because the Euros will need all four of them at their best to take down the Yanks. Garc’a shot 62 the last day in Ireland, Fasth 64. 3. The old guns. Monty and Bernhard Langer used to be a formidable team until Herr Langer started not making Ryder Cup teams. They're back and almost certainly will reunite to relive their great moment from years ago, when Langer asked Monty for a yardage, got an answer, then said, "Is that from the front of the sprinkler head or the back?" Langer wasn't joking. Are you kidding? Langer never jokes. He's as funny as Henry Kissinger. 4. Revenge. If the Euros can manage to finally get their ragtag team together, they may remember they lost the last Ryder Cup in the biggest collapse since the '64 Phillies. Gene Mauch, where are you? Europe needs to win back the Cup to atone, to salvage some pride. And it needs to do so for ... Johnny Callison. 5. Tony Jacklin. All right, I couldn't think of five reasons. As they say in England, p--- off. Elementary, WatsonWhat, there's more? Yes, the semi-irregular appearance of Kathy Bissell's Senior Power Performance Rankings, courtesy of Kathy Bissell. Tom Watson's second-place performance and Hale Irwin's tie for 15th allowed Watson to extend his lead on Irwin by .13 points. Most of the movement this week was below the top 10. Tom Purtzer, who at one time was second in the rankings, had dropped to 17th last week, but rebounded two places to 15th with a fifth-place finish. Dale Douglass (24th), Andy North (51st) and Butch Sheehan (58th) make their debuts. (The number in parentheses is the player's current rank on the money list)
Sports Illustrated senior writer Gary Van Sickle writes for the magazine's
Golf Plus section and is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com. Click here to send him a question or comment.
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