Top 10 ignominious moments

The great moments in golf from 2002 are indelibly etched in everyone's minds. Paul Azinger's clutch bunker shot on the last hole at the Ryder Cup. Paul McGinley's winning putt for Europe. Rich Beem's 270-yard 5-wood shot at the PGA. Steve Lowery's double eagle at the International. The storm at Muirfield that stopped Tiger Woods and his Grand Slam bid. Don Pooley's U.S. Senior Open playoff with Tom Watson. And many others.

Here, then, are the top 10 not-so-great moments in 2002 you may have missed:

MAILBAG What is your take on the Skins Game incident in which caddie Steve Williams dropped a fan's camera into a lake after the fan snapped a picture of Tiger Woods during Woods' backswing? I agree that the fan was certainly in the wrong and probably should have been kicked off the course. However, don't they have marshals for that sort of thing? Furthermore, what Williams did (take it from a lawyer) is a criminal offense, most likely assault, and I don't see how he was justified in destroying what was probably a $500 camera. He's a caddie, not a cop. Finally, the Skins Game is an exhibition, not the U.S. Open. Relax, Stevie! —Kevin Humphreys, Ridgeland, Miss. Williams was totally in the wrong, no doubt about it, so I hope he enjoyed the actions that are sure to lead to a lawsuit. From what I've heard, the offending clicker may have been a credentialed media photographer (a rookie at shooting golf) and the camera may have been worth several thousand dollars. OK, Tiger gets hosed all the time by camera clicks. All Williams had to do was grab the camera and give it to security and have the photog's credential revoked. Destroying the camera was wrong. Give me an over-under for Suzy Whaley at the Greater Hartford Open. My golfing buddies and I think her two-day total will be around 170 (85 each day, for all of the math majors who read your column). Your thoughts? —Mike (Mannix) O'Connor, Coronado, Calif. Have some faith, Mannix. Obviously, Suzy can play. I think she could break 80 both days -- if there wasn't going to be a ridiculously big spotlight of national attention on her, a circus bigger than anything Casey Martin endured and something there's no way she'll be used to. I look for 81-75 (that's 156 if your calculator is still broken, Mannix). Instead of boycotting the Masters, how about all male pros not enter the GHO and let Suzy Whaley win the thing? I think that would get her an invite from the Big H himself to next year's Masters. —David Guorno, Concord, Calif. Not anymore, G-Man. A win doesn't get you a Masters invite automatically. You have to make the top 40 on the money list, be among the top 50 in the World Rankings or be Greg Norman. If a woman is allowed to play in the Greater Hartford Open and use the men's tees, then wouldn't it also be fair for a man to join the LPGA Tour, play in women's tournaments and use women's tees? —Victor Crainich, Dayton, Ohio Get to the point, Victor. You just want to wear a dress. Admit it.

10. Arnold Palmer and Chi Chi Rodriguez after playing tough Firestone Country Club in the Senior PGA Championship.

Complained Chi Chi: "This course is set up for the young guys, Arnie."

Said Arnie: "I'm a young guy."

Said Chi Chi, shaking his head: "Maybe in Palm Beach."

9. Woods, accompanied by girlfriend Elin Nordgren, was betting $10,000 a hand at the MGM Grand Mansion tables in Las Vegas when a cocktail waitress arrived with drinks. Woods pulled a $5 bill out of his pocket and put it on the waitress' tray, but when Elin reminded him that he'd tipped her earlier, Woods reached out and took back the $5.

8. The Australian Open cancelled its first round in mid-day because the greens at Victoria Golf Club were too fast. In some cases, putts hit past the hole trickled back short of the cup. Of 27 players who finished 18 holes, none was under par on a sunny day with light wind. "It's not the incompetence that astounds me, just the extent of it," said New Zealand's Greg Turner, who shot 80. When amateurs Kurt Barnes, who shot 91, and James Nitties, who shot 81, heard the round was wiped out, "we were throwing high-fives," Barnes said.

7. Tie, a pair of ties. Aussie golf received another black eye when the Australian PGA ended in a tie and darkness fell after Jarrod Moseley and Peter Lonard finished one playoff hole. A tour official asked the players to decide how they wanted to settle the outcome. "That's your job, isn't it?" asked an incredulous Lonard, who then agreed to share the championship with Moseley and split $282,000 rather than continue the playoff the next day. The European tour's Volvo Masters ended in a similar shambles thanks to late tee times to accommodate the television broadcast. It was too dark for Bernhard Langer and Colin Montgomerie to play a third playoff hole. They were declared co-champions rather than asked to complete play the next morning. "With my playoff record," said Monty, who is 0-7, "I am delighted to call this a win."

6. Kailin Downs found herself caddieless for the second round of the U.S. Women's Amateur at Sleepy Hollow Country Club. Club member Bill Murray, the comedian, came to her rescue and carried the bag for all 18 holes. Asked if he planned to caddie for Downs again, Murray said, "That depends what kind of tip I get. I went through her bag and only found $20. So it doesn't look good."

5. Woods' first trip to New Zealand was largely a disaster. High ticket prices, low attendance and Woods' $2 million appearance fee added up to a financial wipeout for New Zealand Open organizers. Woods, who had a four-putt green, never seriously contended and finished sixth. More than a dozen players were not allowed through the club entrance Thursday because it was being kept clear for Woods by security; they were forced to get out of their cars several hundred yards away and come through the public entrance. English pro Roger Chapman, who was kicked off the practice range so Woods could host a clinic for juniors, said, "I find it unbelievable that one person can stop a country."

4. The Michelob Championship was the site of Charles Howell's first PGA Tour victory ... and his first beer. Howell had never even sipped alcohol in his 23 years until he won at Kingsmill, where it's tradition that the winner down a brew. When he put down the beer at the awards ceremony without drinking it, fans began to boo and hoot. Finally, Howell complied, took a swig and made a bitter-beer face. His conclusion: "I wasn't missing much."

3. Golfers apparently weren't the only ones hooking at Hidden Valley Golf Club in Norco, 40 miles east of Los Angeles. Police raided the club after undercover officers saw prostitutes having sex with golfers in plain view on the course, often near tents set up for a weekend tournament. Fifteen women were taken away for questioning. For tee times, call ...

2. Former president Bill Clinton teed it up in the Hyundai Team Matches pro-am with Fred Couples. An hour after Clinton hit an errant shot that nailed a spectator -- who said he was a lawyer -- in the ankle, Clinton attended a private sponsor party at a local hotel and was overheard asking if someone could bring attractive LPGA star Grace Park over so he could meet her.

1. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was asked to predict how many major championships Woods would win in 2003. "Tiger has a chance to win every tournament he's in," Selig said, "but if you're going to pin me down to a number, I'll say ... five or six."

Factoid hell

Tidbits that your vanilla golf commentators didn't tell you ...

In a related matter, the emperor's clothes are missing: Woods has a customized golf cart fitted with a radio console, six speakers and neon lights running along the bottom. He said he likes to crank the music up pretty loud when he's home at Isleworth Country Club. Asked if the blaring music bothers anybody, he said, "If it does, they haven't told me."

Premature Jack-elation: In the 176-page, coffee-table tome Greatest Golfers, The Sporting News ranked Woods as the greatest golfer of all time even though the major championship scoreboard says Nicklaus 18, Woods 8.

Is that your score or an FM station? CBS sent out this crack foursome to play Augusta National Golf Club the morning after the Masters: CBS president Leslie Moonves and actors Ray Romano, Kevin James and Craig T. Nelson. The high scorer had to pay for the group's caddies. Romano shot 106. "It cost me $300," he said, "and a million dollars in pride."

The Bart of Avon: It was Shakespeare with a twist when Rick Miller performed his one-man show, MacHomer, a version of Macbeth featuring characters from The Simpsons, in Pittsburgh. Mr. Burns was Midas-like as King Duncan, Ned Flanders was an okeley-dokeley Banquo and the Birnam Wood that killed MacHomer was a golf club, which set up the dramatic conclusion -- the singing of We Are The World.

What O.J. Simpson would want for Christmas if he weren't too busy searching for Nicole's killer: The wacky video game Outlaw Golf features a variety of crazed golfers, including a stripper and a foul-mouthed Scot, and you score better if you improve your on-course composure by beating your caddie senseless.

In the first 41 takes, the shears ended up in the backstop, the dirt, an umpire, the on-deck circle, a popcorn vendor, the radar-gun operator, the official scorer, a rally monkey, and nine sportswriters: Former relief pitcher John Rocker made his acting debut (off a baseball field, anyway) in The Greenskeeper, a movie about a crazed psychopath (played by Rocker -- duh!) who disguises himself as a greenskeeper and stalks and offs preppy country-clubbers using various golf implements. In one scene, he relies on his golden throwing arm to fire a pair of gardening shears 90 feet into -- ouch -- a woman's back.

When you need to score, get a Trojan: When USC's Billy Peavy homered twice in a baseball game at Washington State, his second blast cleared the fence, bounced onto a nearby golf course and, onlookers told the WSU team manager sent to retrieve the ball, rolled into a cup on the practice putting green for a unique hole-in-one.

Why you should quit the game now unless you're 14 or in a boy band: Ashley Olsen, one of the ubiquitous Olsen twins, when asked if she has any hobbies: "I play golf." Groovy.

Climbing the fairway to heaven: Mike Reasor, 60, died after playing in a Senior event in Bend, Ore. Reasor caddied for Arnold Palmer during the 1966 U.S. Open, where Palmer squandered a seven-shot lead on the final nine and then lost a playoff to Billy Casper. Reasor once fell off a horse between rounds of the Tallahassee Open but completed the event so he'd be eligible for the next week's tournament even though he played with a separated shoulder, swung one-handed with a 5-iron, and shot 123-114, believed to be the tour's highest scores ever.

Well, charity does begin at home: Football star Bruce Smith canceled his annual charity golf tournament after 12 years when it was revealed that much of its reported $812,000 in charitable donations were never made or couldn't be documented, and that tournament director Gene Bunn, who produced cancelled checks for just $50,000 in donations, hadn't filed tax returns for nine of the event's 12 years.

Just so you know: In that other movie, the one with Leo and the boat, the boat hits an iceberg and sinks: A film on golf legend Bobby Jones and his magnificent year in 1930 is scheduled to begin shooting next year in Atlanta. Sorry to ruin the surprise ending for you, but Jones wins the Grand Slam.

But Bob Dylan sounds like an angry crow puking: With a little help from country singers Daron Norwood and Johnny Lee, John Daly recorded a music CD. Daly plays guitar and sings on several of the tracks. He also wrote the lyrics for some songs. Notable titles are All My Exes Wear Rolexes and I'm Drunk. Said Daly, "They say I sound like Bob Dylan."

Golf at the movies

How golf might have been represented in some of 2002's theatrical releases ...

Undisputed. Starts out like a comedy, with Annika Sorenstam saying she wants to improve on her 2001 season, in which she recorded eight wins, earned $2 million in prize money and shot a 59. Everyone laughs but the gritty little Swede, buffed from a rigorous workout routine, dominates the women's game like a tigress. She wins 13 times, including 11 LPGA events, but because of Woods' Grand Slam chase and her own softspoken personality, she can't buy a headline as she quietly heads toward the Hall of Fame. Starring Gwyneth Paltrow. Notable dialogue: "Five under? That's about even par for Annika."

Panic Room. Docudrama ponders whether Woods' domination of golf came to an end when his aura of invincibility vanished during the PGA Championship at Hazeltine. Rich Beem eagled Hazeltine's 11th hole and Woods blinked, three-putting for a bogey that enabled the former car-stereo salesman to cruise to his first major title. Starring Charlie Sheen as Beem, Tom Cruise as Woods. Notable dialogue: "Tiger blinked. It's the first time I've seen him lose it."

Insomnia. A major outbreak of the condition is quelled when Senior tour telecasts move to The Golf Channel. Thrilling storyline that changes the world: The Senior tour is renamed the Champions tour. Starring John Malkovich as Larry Nelson, Steven Spielberg as Stewart Ginn. Notable dialogue: "Drew, does he have a 9-iron in his hands?"

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Meow! While civility reigns at the Ryder Cup, a catfight breaks out at the Solheim Cup when prematch chatter turns nasty. Swede Catrin Nilsmark calls Cristie Kerr "a brat," says Michelle Redman has "absolutely no talent," and implies that Meg Mallon is washed up. U.S. swipes back by winning Cup. Notable dialogue: "The spirit of the competition isn't that you trash the other players." No, but it's one way to get attention in a Ryder Cup year. Starring Helen Hunt as Beth Daniel, Hulk Hogan as Laura Davies and Julie Newmar as Catwoman.

Jackass The Movie. Aw, this one's too obvious. Fill in your own Masters/women cheap shot. Notable dialogue: "Don't worry, they aren't really going to picket."

Sports Illustrated senior writer Gary Van Sickle writes for the magazine's Golf Plus section and is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com. Click here to send him a question or comment.

 

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