These courses aren't getting any better

It doesn't get any better than this. Actually, it doesn't get any worse than this. One thing all golfers have in common, apparently, is a closet full of bad, and I mean really bad, golf courses that we have endured. When I ran a list of readers' worst-course nominees, it prompted another batch of woeful goat tracks played by you dedicated hacks. So here it is, the Best of the Worst, Part II:

My nominee is in New Zealand: Ngawaro Golf Club, about three hours south of Auckland. It's sheep country, and one enterprising farmer cut a golf course into his land. There isn't a stretch of more than 100 yards of level land. It's all hills and humps, most 25-30 feet high. For many of the nine holes, you can't see the green you're firing for. Some greens are low, in between the mounds; some are on top of them. The greens are all 12-15 paces across and surrounded by a small wire fence, to keep the fairway mowers out. The fairways (and that's using the term VERY loosely) are trimmed by sheep! The unfortunate part of that is they leave behind more than they take away, if you know what I mean. If you're looking for real golf, drive right on by, but for a unique experience, you can't beat it. I shot a whole roll of film. Cost to play is $7 (NZ) : You go to the honor box, take a scorecard, write your name in the guest book, leave your fee and head out! Baaaaad golf, but quite a lot of fun.
—Gil Desmarais, Edmonton, Alberta

Sounds like a great way to get sheared of $7. Money for mutton and your chicks for free.

Worst course ever: Coyote Creek Golf Club in San Jose. Sure, it is the temporary home of the Siebel Open on the Senior tour, but for the $100 it costs to play, it is in awfully poor shape. The employees are rude, the pace of play is painful, the greens are always in terrible shape, the layout is pitiful, and all six lanes of Highway 101 run right through the middle of it. This course is in such sorry shape that many of the pros who played at the Siebel vowed not to come back in 2003. Don't waste your $100. For just generally sorry conditions: Pleasant Hills in San Jose. Nothing pleasant or hilly about it. All hardpan, all the time.
—Scott Schnaars, San Jose

Thanks for the tip, Schnapps guy. I no longer know the way to San Jose.

There is a course just south of Dallas, in Midlothian, called Pecan Trails. It's $23 for 21 holes. Hardpan fairways, all turtle-back greens. The bonus is the emu that runs loose on the course and eats your golf balls, or does his business right next to you on the tee box!
—Lynn Kelly, Dallas

Emu, constipated sheep, killer bees -- it's always something, you know?

Your worst-golf-courses collection was one of the funniest things I've read. (Hey, I miss Alan Shipnuck's weekly musings!) The guy who wrote the Brooklyn review deserves an award for his great description of a truly dire golf course. Here's my Canadian favorite: Eighteen Pastures, just outside Vancouver, used to be called Iron Mountain, but its name scared off consumers so the owner went for something less threatening. Unkempt, hilly and filled with every kind of weed known to man, the course runs monthly "So You Think You Can Golf" tournaments, which I think are meant to humble good golfers by showing them how subpar their games really are. Most of the back nine runs up and then down a hill; there's nothing more fun than a sidehill fairway lie from jungle-like rough. Dead carts that gave out after all that climbing litter the back nine. The best thing about this place is $16 (Canadian) Tuesdays and an amiable owner who doesn't care if you play all day for that price. I think he just has the devilish goal of beating all the good golf out of you.
—Alfie Lau, Vancouver, British Columbia

So that's what it's all about, Alfie. But, hey, you lost me after your indecipherable comment about missing Shipwreck. You mean you don't subscribe to SI's Golf Plus section to read our stuff on a weekly basis? Come on, man, show us some love.

Bad-golf-course story No. 5,000? Meadowbrook Country Club in Richmond, R.I. The only difference between the fairways and the rough is the shade of brown. The course is great for beginners because balls run all day on the rock-solid ground. If you can manage a bit of a slice, you can clear the state highway that runs right alongside the last few holes, though you should watch out for the elementary school across the street. Tees are optional; if you plan to use one bring a small hammer to pound them in. Meadowbrook is still the only course I've ever seen where you pay on the honor system -- the two times I played it, there was no starter. You put your greens fee in an envelope, drop it into a box in the clubhouse, and are off.
—Doug Krugman, Narrangansett, R.I.

Let me get this straight, Krugerrand. You went back for a second round? Pick up an application for the Golf Nuts Society. You're in.

Another bad golf course: the one on the island of Diego Garcia, in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Just south of the equator is where I spent 10 weeks after Sept. 11. The island has a course with nine holes that you play twice, and native grass grows on top of sand and coral. AstroTurf tee boxes with AstroTurf, pint-sized greens that are as hard as the rock they lay on. Good shots usually hit rocks before or around the green and bounce wildly into the trees or thick weeds. No greens fees to speak of, which I guess covers the lack of maintenance.
—Dave Krueger, Charleston, S.C.

Sounds like a horror story, Freddie, like all of your old movies. Next time try Myrtle Beach for your golf vacation, not the Indian Ocean.

Two candidates: First, a nine-holer in Van Horn, Texas, halfway between hell and El Paso on Interstate 10. Park your motor home or trailer at the local RV park and you play free. All I can say is that the course looks exactly like the Tin Cup driving range, except for a couple of mysteriously lush, thick greens. Go figure.

The other is Willie Nelson's Cut and Putt on Lake Travis. A bankers' tournament used to be played there annually, and it was a standing rule that if you declared an unplayable lie, you were allowed to pick up your ball and take five running steps in any direction before placing it for the next shot; you might even find a clump of crabgrass to put it on. But what the hey ... the course looked a lot like Willie!
—Tom Smith, Hideaway, Texas

Willie is just too easy a target, even for a guy like myself who habitually shoots bunnies. You win this week's wordsmith award, though, Smithy, for "halfway between hell and El Paso." Nice image, better lilt.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Gary Van Sickle writes for the magazine's Golf Plus section and is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com. Click here to send him a question or comment.

 

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