An extended dip into the Mailbag

The reason I called you all here this week ... is that one of you is a murderer!

No, wait. That was last week. Dr. Wells Hackaway solved the case quite easily, it turned out. Or did he? Let's go to the Mailbag:

Not so fast, Dr. Hackaway! Toledo Red may not be the murderer; maybe he just got his sides mixed up. If the tan line was on Curtis Strange's left hand, then it was his wedding ring that was missing; if I recall correctly, he wore his Ryder Cup ring on his right hand. Therefore, Red indeed could have seen Curtis sign an autograph and flash his Ryder Cup ring at the same time. (Not that I'm taking this seriously or anything ... I just hate to see a fellow Toledoan falsely accused!)
—Barb Padgett, Toledo, Ohio

Very clever, Inspector Padgett ... or is that really you, Moriarty?

I figured it was going to be Ben Crenshaw, because of Strange's moronic comment last year at the Belfry that he had never seen anyone front-load his Sunday lineup like Sam Torrance did. Where was Strange when Crenshaw did it at Brookline?
—David Wood, West Des Moines, Iowa

Can we move on? The Americans got their butts whipped. They were outplayed, badly outplayed, no matter how you drew up the lineup.

Indeed, Mr. Toledo murdered Curtis Strange, but his motive was not robbery. Mr. Toledo, like thousands of us, cringe at the manner in which Mr. Strange murders the English language by his insistence that the pronoun I be pronounced ah.
—John Foley, Fredericksburg, Md.

Ah will convey your suspicions to Dr. Hackaway, who, by the way, is a great gah.

Each week you provide a great column for your readers; intelligent and insightful come to mind as good descriptions. However, you have a habit that is, at least to myself, as annoying as anything else I can think of: Why must you always try to come up with some witty, convoluted bastardizations of people's names? Just how much time did it take you to come up with some of these? Humvee for Kevin Humphreys? Russellmania for Chris Crowe? Floor Matt for Matt Middleton? Are you kidding me?! Do you REALLY think these are funny? You have GOT to have something better to do with the time you waste on these. It would be different if they were at least clever, but Nickelodeon for Kevin Nickodem is just plain bad. Stick to writing about golf and leave the humor to Leno and Letterman.
—Bill (12) Gage, Agawam, Mass.

Thanks, Bill. How long before your 13th birthday?

Since Tiger didn't win the Masters by 10 or 15 strokes as you predicted, can you hold a contest for Tiger's Top 10 Excuses for Not Winning the Masters? His excuses typically start on the Monday after the event is over. Things like flu, knee, etc., are totally acceptable. I am not sure about food poisoning, but he did eat that stuff the day after his girlfriend got sick. Maybe poor judgment? I'll buy the cheese; you provide the whine!
—Mark Harrill, Sterling, Va.

My nominees include: The dog ate his driver. ... Frank the Headcover has gotten inside Tiger's head. ... He's just not very good. ... I blame the Mets. Feel free to send in your own. By the way, Bill and I loved you in Star Wars. After Powerpuff Girls, it's Bill's all-time favorite flick.

What do you make of Tiger's inability to come from behind in the majors? Is his style unsuited for the big charge or is it simply a case of not having it on a given day?
—Joe Zubrick, Presque Isle, Maine

Tiger hardly has an inability to come from behind in majors. You may recall his birdie string at the end of the PGA Championship last year. He didn't win, but if Rich Beem had faltered at all, he would have. When Tiger is on, he wins by the 10 or 15 strokes I predicted. When he's not on, he plods along and finishes eighth. Augusta National is now set up to be so difficult that you can't fake it. If you're not driving it well, you're done. End of story.

What a dumb rule it is that you have to play out of someone else's divot in the fairway. Why should you pay for someone else's mistake? Why can't golf have a simple rule that gives you get a free drop? The same should apply to bunkers that haven't been raked properly. I've been in huge footmarks in recent times and it's cost me strokes and, ultimately, a competition.
—Steve, Brisbane, Australia

What's the difference between an old divot and a bad, bare lie? Who's going to draw the line? What if the divot is partially grown in? I don't know what kind of rule you could craft that would be definitive enough to cover every possibility. It's the rub of the green, Steve. Golf is like life, pal: Sometimes you get hosed. Live with it or stay on the practice mat at the range.

How's this for a new big three? Tiger Woods, of course, is Jack Nicklaus: dominant player of his generation, has all the shots, knows he can beat anybody in the field (and everyone else knows it, too). Phil Mickelson is Arnold Palmer: brash American, charismatic with the media, great skills, sometimes plays too aggressively. Finally, Mike Weir is Gary Player: international player, small in stature but great at course management, the man in black, not many weaknesses in his game, great ambassador for golf.
—Drew Snelgrove, Toronto

Good analogy, Snail. As soon as the two lefties rack up six or seven major victories each, we'll go with it.

I am 16 years old and my friends are having a huge argument about which is more difficult to perfect, golf or baseball. I think golf and they think baseball. This has been an ongoing argument and I would like you to end it, PLEASE.
—Glenn, Millwood, N.Y.

The answer, of course, is NASCAR driving. After having driven a few laps at the Homestead Speedway the week of Doral, and having been a serious baseball player, the idea od racing with 40 or so other cars at high speeds on a confined track is unimaginable.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Gary Van Sickle writes for the magazine's Golf Plus section and is a regular contributor to SI.com. Click here to send him a question or comment.

 

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