Random thoughts

Boy, that slump is really killing Tiger

Here it is, this week's Top 10 List of Stuff. (Is it just me or does that title have about as much pizzazz as Gary Koch?)

1. Tiger Woods wins the Western Open (again) by a bunch. Man, this slump thing is even worse than we thought. Now he only has four wins this year. Attention, Tiger posse: Please keep all sharp instruments away from this guy. Only four wins? He may hurt himself.

2. Annika Sorenstam doesn't win the U.S. Women's Open. And neither does Tiger -- his horrible slump continues! Annika needs only a par on the final hole, a par-5, to join a playoff, or a birdie to win. Instead, she messed around behind the scoreboard and made bogey out of a bunker. This is not going to look good on her report card.

3. Did you catch any of the early-round Women's Open coverage on NBC? A golf telecast on NBC without Johnny Miller is like a steak dinner without the steak. It's all broccoli and there's way, way too much of it. I lost count, so I hereby declare a tie between Dan Hicks and Koch for the coveted title of Most Banal Clichés Uttered ("Straight as an arrow!"). Somebody pass the mike to Roger Maltbie or Jimmy Roberts, please. Don't make us beg.

4. The whole Spalding golf era has ended, apparently, without anyone at the ex-company realizing that the name Top-Flite, while carrying great brand recognition, was a synonym for cheap. That worked for selling Rock-Flites, as many called them, to the masses, but putting the Top-Flite name on equipment was not an image enhancer. It was a lot like putting the name American Motors on any car after you've already suckered people into buying a Gremlin, Matador and, ugh, Pacer. It'll be interesting to see what the marketing whizzes at Callaway do with the pieces, which include the Ben Hogan Company, after Callaway buys the Spalding leftovers.

5. The PGA Tour's plan to begin voluntary club testing next year is a step in the right direction, but a weak one. Make a statement. Testing should be mandatory. Test everyone's golf clubs and the issue of legality, which has been raised by the usually missing-in-action-on-any-topic-smacking-of-controversy Woods, would simply go away.

6. Tom Watson gets my vote as golf's man of the year. His actions in helping his friend and long-time caddie, Bruce Edwards, have done more to raise awareness and money for research of the diabolical disease ALS than can be imagined. Watson even scribbled personal thank-yous on the form letters sent out to those who donated money when Bruce's illness was first made public.

7. Enough with the bashing. Olympia Fields was the most underrated, underappreciated U.S. Open site of the last 20 years. I'd take it over Baltusrol in a New Jersey minute. (That's like a New York minute, only with no place to park.) If you're keeping score at home, or if you're watching Concentration reruns on the Game Show Network, pencil in Olympia Fields for the 2011 Open. The national championship will go back there. Memo to the USGA: Next time, though, don't assume everyone will arrive at the course by train. Those of us who rented private homes five blocks away and wanted to walk to the tournament had to hire taxis because you didn't let pedestrians walk in through the two main gates. Thanks for nothing.

8. Addendum to USGA memo: I don't suppose you could build an airport near Olympia Fields by 2011, could you? Man, O'Hare was about 40 miles and six toll booths away. I used up all my laundry-machine quarters just getting there.

9. Legalize laser range-finders now. They function the same as yardage markers, but they're a lot easier to spot -- since you keep them in your bag! Anything that would speed up play is a good move. Personally, I think your greens fee should entitle you to 4 1/2 hours on a public course, no more. When your time runs out, your group is escorted off the course. If you're only on the 15th hole, that's your fault. I guarantee you that deadline pressure would speed up play and make some of these senior ball-hawkers, who waste time looking for the stolen range ball they hit into a creek, quit dawdling and play golf.

10. I am sick and tired of hearing members of the golf media whine and complain. Aren't you?

Mailbag

Meanwhile, more fan mail from flounders in the Mailbag.

Gee, how courageous of Rich Beem to bypass the PGA Championship. What a one-hit wonder. Maybe he should send David Duval in his place. Either way, the outcome would be the same: MISSED CUT!!!!!!!!
—John M. Clauer, Elkhorn. Wis.

Congratulations, Clauerpuss, your nonsensical criticism of Rich Beem's intention to be there for the birth of his first child, which may or may not preclude him from playing the PGA, makes you the new leader in the clubhouse for Dumbest Mailbag Letter ever. It also puts you in the running for the Clod of the Year award. Finish off another Point beer six-pack, then pass out.

Our annual club championship was (in my opinion) tarnished by sandbaggers. Typical money-winners in the handicapped flight were 20- to 22-handicappers shooting very low 80s. I say the odds of a 22-handicapper shooting, say, 82-81 (two-day tourney) are remote. I think a 22-handicapper could get lucky one day, but not two days in a row. How far below someone's handicap can one shoot before he should be laughed out of town? Your opinion is valued.
—Kurt Heitman, San Diego

I'm a firm believer, Hit Man, that you should be able to laugh someone out of town regardless of his handicap. A 22-handicapper is not going to shoot a pair of 82s unless he's been taking serious lessons, playing a lot better of late and just happens to get into an event before his handicap ticks lower when the next postings are issued. This is why you should only play gross events, not net events. Or why handicap events should use no more than 50 percent.

My birthday is coming up. What indispensable golf gadget gift should I be pushing for as a guaranteed handicap-reducing aid?
—Vijay Thadani, Maputo, Mozambique

Man, I can't believe I forgot your birthday again, Veej! You should definitely be looking for a Whack Duck. You strap it on your bag and when you get ticked after a bad shot, you hit it with your club. It quacks, you vent your anger, and, feeling refreshed, you shoot 31 on the back nine. As for equipment, there's no doubt that the class of 2003 drivers is longer than ever -- longer even than its 2001 brethren. Check out the Great Big Bertha II, TaylorMade R580, Titleist 983, Cobra 380 and Cleveland Launcher, among others.

What's the deal with Tiger Woods' accusations about PGA Tour players using hot drivers? I thought golf was supposed to be a self-regulated, gentlemen's sport? I find it hard to believe that the same guys who would call a penalty on themselves in competition would purposely cheat for just a few extra yards. Please don't tell me that professional golf has crossed the threshold of sportsmanship into the land of greed like other sports.
—Justin G., Portland, Ore.

It's not intentional cheating, it's more of a don't ask, don't tell thing. Manufacturers are making drivers right up to the edge of the .830 coefficient-of-restitution limit. Let's say the specs are off a hair, and the occasional driver may exceed that limit. Some companies, such as Callaway, test their finished products to make sure they're legal. Others don't. A player may find he has a hot driver, but unless he has it tested -- and at the moment, very few testing machines exist -- he would have no idea it's illegal. He would just know he's ripping it. As for greed, golf has long since passed into that area. Haven't you been paying attention? Say hi to your brother Kenny for me.

What do you think of this idea for a Silly Season event: Have a tournament where the pros have to play persimmon woods, blades and balatas. Maybe they could even scrounge up some old Spalding Dots.
—Kevin O'Brien, Overland Park, Kan.

Great idea, Conan. Maybe throw in a rake and a shovel, too. And even better, hold the event at a muni course where the pros can enjoy playing out of divots, bare tees, bunkers with gravel (not sand), and shaggy greens. And, oh, yeah, they wouldn't have assigned tee times; each would have to put his ball in a rack on the first tee and wait his turn.

I'm on a golf-history kick lately and feel as if I've come upon a greatly overlooked stat. Between 1966-1980, a span of 15 years, Jack Nicklaus never finished worse than sixth at the British Open. During this period, he finished first three times, second six times, third twice, fourth twice, fifth once and sixth once. Has any other player come close to matching this level of performance over this length of time in any major? Or in any sport? I strongly suspect not.
—Greg Smith, Toronto

Watson won five British Opens. Five beats three last time I checked, and as for how many fifths and sixths Watson had during that stretch, who cares? He won five! I'd look up his other finishes but I'm on a golf-laziness kick lately, bud.

Why all the emphasis on being under par at the U.S. Open? What difference does it make whether 272 is 8-, 12- or 16-under; it's still 272 strokes. Doesn't the USGA's insistence on 499-yard par-4s devalue what par is or isn't? What's next, a par-68 setup with no par-5s? Gotta protect par, y'know.
—Barry McCormick, Powder Springs, Ga.

As a Scottish caddie once told me, "There's noo such thing as burrrdies or pars, lad. They're all just noombers." Then he said I'd have to pay him extra for that.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Gary Van Sickle writes for the magazine's Golf Plus section and is a regular contributor to SI.com. Click here to send him a question or comment.

 

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