Unfamiliar refrain

The Yanks are coming! The Yanks are coming!

Got a 6:45 a.m. wake-up call on Wednesday from my friends at Fox Sports in London, who wanted my reaction to the shocking -- shocking! -- news. Yes, friends, in the latest FIFA rankings the United States has leapfrogged England to take the No. 8 spot, one ahead of our former colonial captors.

Judging from the hyperventilating by British headline writers, this is no small source of discomfort across the Atlantic. And while any self-respecting soccer fan knows the screwy FIFA rankings make college football's BCS poll look like an Oliver Wendell Holmes ruling -- Mexico at No. 6? South Korea at No. 21? -- we're not in any position to complain here.

Yes, the FIFA rankings are meaningless, and yes, the fact they got more attention in the mainstream American sports press than any result from Major League Soccer this season shows how far U.S. sports editors have to go.

But why be cynical when the U.S. Soccer Federation can use this to its advantage? Here's how: Schedule a home-and-home with England. It's about time. The two national teams haven't played each other since September 1994 -- eight years ago! -- and the English FA has been ducking the Yanks for way too long.

Not only would it would provide great buzz for soccer in the States, but it would also give England a chance to salvage its footballing pride. If we need to spice it up, we could even inaugurate some sort of trophy for the winner. Call it the 1776 Cup.

Let's get this done.

While we're talking about U.S. soccer and the U.K., last week I had the chance -- and, amazingly, the time -- to watch the British TV broadcasts of all five World Cup games involving the United States, from John O'Brien's fourth-minute goal against Portugal to the debacle against Poland to Tony Sanneh's oh-so-close injury-time header against Germany.

(By the time I was done, I had Brit-speak on the head. Suddenly, and without reason, I started saying words like brilliant, delightful and footballer. If I don't watch out, I might start sounding like Brad Friedel.)

Why did I subject myself to this? One, because I wanted to take another look at the story of the year in American soccer, having only seen the games live in Korea. And two, because I was curious -- what did our British cousins think of these American lads?

More than 10 hours -- and let's be honest, a few pints -- later, here's what I learned:

• The Brits respected the U.S. team -- but not MLS. Except for the BBC's U.S.-Portugal pregame show, in which host Gary Lineker, Peter Schmeichel and mates didn't even discuss the American team, the pundits gave the U.S. plenty of props throughout the tournament. "They were brilliant!" Lineker said after the Yanks had clinched the 3-2 upset. "We were rooting for the USA," admitted his sidekick Alan Hansen. After Clint Mathis' well-taken goal against South Korea, ITV's Terry Venables compared Mathis' technical mastery to (no joke) Rivaldo and David Beckham.

Finally, after the Yanks' stirring quarterfinal loss to Germany came this exchange from the ITV studio team of Bob Wilson, Robbie Earle and Ally McCoist:

WILSON: Do you think the best team lost here?

EARLE: The best team did lose. I saw the American team in '98, Bob. They didn't get a point. They were a poor side in many ways. They've gone back to the drawing board, they now control the football, have good players, good athleticism. Apart from Oliver Kahn, they certainly would have won this game.

WILSON: It's just that the folks back home don't know what they're doing.

MCCOIST: I tell you, they played well. Great athletes. They're strong, they're powerful, and their skill factor was very, very high.

EARLE: They've gained respect as well. The football world will now look on them differently. We used to think it was a bit of a gimmick, Americans playing football, but they've shown today they're decent.

Decent. No overblown hype, no charity, just the truth. The U.S. is a decent side on the international stage now, one that has to be taken seriously by any team in the world. And that's a huge advance from what any European would have said before the World Cup.

Yet MLS still couldn't catch a break. Not once in 10 hours of broadcasts did the league get any credit for helping develop players like Landon Donovan, DaMarcus Beasley and Brian McBride. Even worse, check out this dis from the BBC's Barry Davies after the U.S. had gone up 1-0 on Portugal:

DAVIES: [Bruce] Arena and [Eddie] Pope have won a few championships in what the Americans call the Major Soccer League (sic). Certainly a questionable definition of the word major ...

And certainly a questionable definition of the word commentator. First, it's called Major League Soccer, pal, and second, as you're saying this, a team featuring MLS players is about to drop three goals in 37 minutes on freaking Portugal. Get a clue. You can't pat the U.S. on the back without giving an assist to MLS.

• The British convinced themselves that Americans weren't paying attention to their own World Cup success. They're partly right, of course, and yet the ignorance stateside wasn't nearly as bad as they made it seem. It was as if they decided, Well, we can't slam the American team anymore, so we'll at least rip ordinary Americans. "It's dawn's early light back home," the BBC's Steve Wilson said at the final whistle of the U.S.'s second-round win over Mexico. "Is anybody up to see that their side is proudly into the last eight?"

At the end of the Germany loss, ITV's David Pleat cued the violins. "The players have done the United States proud here tonight. Sadly, they'll get off the plane into a regular airport lounge. They'll get on a bus and drive their separate ways home, but they will know how well they've done. Back in the States there won't be much of a reception for a team which has done unbelievably well unnoticed."

Hmmm. Last time I checked, the U.S. team made the cover of Sports Illustrated (twice in 2002) and came home to appearances on all the New York talk shows. If anything, mainstream American sports fans actually do pay attention to the World Cup. The problem is that's the only time they care about the sport.

Perhaps the Brits finally realized this when ITV sent an intrepid reporter into Times Square on the day of U.S.-Germany to ask people if they were going to watch the big game. Confounding his best efforts to prove American ignorance, almost everyone said yes -- and one guy in a MetroStars jersey even invited him to come watch with them!

"We thought there was apathy," responded the stunned host Gabby Logan -- easily the best thing to come out of ITV since Daljit Dhaliwal -- "but there seems to be a bit more interest there."

Of course, that didn't keep Lineker from issuing a condescending chuckle as he read a ridiculously ignorant American wire service story on one U.S. game -- until it turned out later that he was reading a spoof written by the British newspaper The Guardian. (Lineker humbly apologized on the air the next day.)

• Some of the British coverage was genuinely funny. After U.S.-Mexico, the BBC showed a montage of the brutal hits the Mexicans inflicted on Cobi Jones, all in the span of 10 minutes. Lineker: "Now, you said there was no fight in the Mexicans, but I saw a bit against one Cobi Jones. I don't know what he's done to offend them, but he must have done something. You think he wishes he'd stayed on the bench?" (Note to self for future column: Must ask Mexicans why they hate Jones so much.)

Even more hilarious, ITV ran a piece showing ESPN's U.S. commentary during the Portugal game, including the Jack Edwards proclamation,: "I guarantee you, this is stopping traffic all over Europe!" When we return to the studio, Gabby and the boys are laughing so hard they're crying. "Absolutely spot on," McCoist says in his Scottish burr. "The traffic on the M8 between Glasgow and Edinburgh was noisy as hell after that result!" Poor Edwards. He's had a tough year. ABC/ESPN won't be renewing his contract, and yes, he went over the top with the "Mine eyes have seen the glory" flag-waving, but you can never say he doesn't love the sport.

• The best British commentators are as good as Tim McCarver is at baseball. That is, they point out important things viewers might not have noticed otherwise. On the highlight show after the U.S. had qualified for the second round, ITV showed Portugal's Luis Figo, his team down two men but tied 0-0 with South Korea, hoofing the ball aimlessly downfield. Bob Wilson was onto Figo's game. "It's as if he's saying, 'You have possession of it, as long as you don't score we're both going through.'"

The Koreans did score, of course, saving the Americans and knocking out Portugal -- as well as their star Figo, caught red-handed in his dishonorable shenanigans.

Time for a few questions ...

Grant, I am a big fan of both soccer and basketball. I watched the U.S. lose to Argentina in basketball at the World Championships and was struck by the irony. The events of this summer show that U.S. soccer is catching up to the rest of the world while the rest of the world is catching up in basketball. -- Eric Plinke, Columbus, Ohio

Not only that, but the U.S. soccer team and the Argentine hoopsters were fun to watch for the same reason: They played as a team. How different, really, is Pepe Sanchez (a naturally deft passer who took his game abroad as a teen) from John O'Brien (a naturally deft passer who took his game abroad as a teen)? Also, ponder this for a second: If pundits like Paul Gardner say that U.S. soccer suffers from not having any players formed by "street ball" (as they are in, say, the favelas of Rio), how can hoops pundits blame USA basketball's demise on too much street ball? Perhaps it's a matter of extremes, the idea that too much of either one can be a bad thing, but it's something to think about.

FIFA should approve a major soccer tournament every four years that involves countries from North, South, and Central America. It would be called Americas Cup. The tournament would be similar to the European Cup with qualifying stages and a constant changing of the host country. The host nation should be rotated from a North American country to a South American country every four years. We need something to look forward to in the off years of the World Cup, and this would be the perfect solution.
—Kyle Trouba, Omaha, Neb.

You know, Kyle, there was a point in the mid-'90s when I thought the Copa America would become such a tournament. In 1995, after all, both the U.S. and Mexico competed (the Yanks even eliminated El Tri in the quarterfinals), but once MLS started the league understandably didn't want to suspend its season once every two summers. But now that the Copa America is going quadrennial in 2004, I really hope the USSF and MLS consider working together to let the U.S. compete. Forget qualifying. As long as the U.S. and Mexico (and, say, Costa Rica, Guatemala and Honduras) get a chance to go, we could have a real tournament on our hands -- the kind of tournament that would get major media attention in this country.

I've been looking for your address to send you this article: http://www.pigskinpost.com/elkon-it's_all_football.htm.
—Michael Elkon, Atlanta

Nice piece, Michael. Being a hopeless college hoops/soccer nutjob, I've often thought of equivalents:

North Carolina=Argentina. And not just the baby-blue uniforms. Both produced the best players of the last quarter-century (Maradona and Jordan), both have been known for maddening tactics (the Hand of God and the Four Corners), and both have failed to win titles despite enormous talent (UNC with Vince Carter and Antawn Jamison and the Argies with Gabriel Batistuta, Hernan Crespo and Juan Veron).

Duke=Brazil. Bitter rivals of UNC/Argentina. Win titles all the time. Fabled home venues (Maracana and Cameron Indoor).

Gonzaga=Nigeria. Perennial bracket-busters "just aren't mid-majors anymore."

Kansas=Spain. Loads of talent, but more often than not they flatter to deceive.

CCNY=Uruguay. How did these guys ever win it all?

UCLA=Italy. Used to be the standard of excellence. Now it's just amusing to see their fans' bizarre, visceral reactions when they're eliminated from the tournament.

Michigan State=France. A surge from mediocrity to nouveau riche in the late '90s, followed by a slight downturn of late. With all that young talent, you and I both know they're coming back with a vengeance.

Any other suggestions? Let me know.

10 RANDOM THINGS

1. Bruce Arena Unplugged! Spoke on the phone Tuesday to Il Bruce, who had a few takes on the MLS season. For starters, when Taylor Twellman was at Maryland, Arena never thought he would have the impact he's having on MLS this season. "Definitely not," Arena says. "How that translates to whether he can play international soccer remains to be seen. But give him credit: He's the second-most valuable player in the league." Arena's MVP? "[Carlos] Ruiz. Los Angeles isn't the most dangerous attacking team, but this guy is getting all the goals." On MLS's decision to allow green-card holders not to count as international players: "The green-card ruling is not in the best interests of the national team. Look at Dallas. How many of those guys are Americans? But that's life."

2. Can we retire the U.S.'s blue jerseys now? It was a bad idea from the start to switch from red, the color worn by the Yanks' diehard fans, and the World Cup sealed it. U.S. record in white jerseys: 2-0-1. In blue jerseys: 0-2. After all, Brazil has done pretty well since it swore off green jerseys forever following its 1950 World Cup disaster. And while we're at it, let's revive the 1950 U.S. shirts with the red slash down the front as a third kit. How cool would that be?

3. How about a hand for the iPod -- easily the most life-altering product I've bought in the last five years. (Does that say more about the iPod or about me?) By contrast, a Bronx cheer for another "lowercase I" phenomenon, iN Demand, which didn't make good on its promise to show MLS games live in favor of bringing you that Sonoma State-Norfolk State college football game you so desperately wanted to see. Don't get me started on this.

4. My favorite quaint World Cup moment: Standing in the hotel elevator with Tony Sanneh's mother (wearing her SANNEH jersey) and a Portuguese fan wearing a FIGO jersey. "My son was marking your son in the last game," Mrs. Sanneh proudly told the bewildered Portuguese guy, not realizing that in other countries people besides family members actually wear soccer players' jerseys.

5. Unintentional comedy moment of the week: The Behind the Music-worthy scene in the Wilco documentary I Am Trying to Break Your Heart when frontman Jeff Tweedy kicks guitarist/keyboardist (and Philip Seymour Hoffman look-alike) Jay Bennett out of the band. Bennett's venomous rant afterward had the whole theater cackling.

6. One last pet peeve: Would TV announcers stop calling Joe-Max Moore by the last name "Max-Moore"? Heard it from the Brits, heard it from Andres Cantor, and it kills me every time. His last name is MOORE.

7. I love reading my pal Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback, but Peter, please, try someplace other than Starbucks once in a while. Bad enough that the mega-chain ruins every independent coffee joint (as it did in my old New York 'hood). But you know what? The coffee's just not very good. It tastes burnt for some reason. Not to sound like Tom Cruise in Rain Man ("K-Mart sucks, Ray"), but ... Starbucks sucks, PK. Next time you're here in Seattle, join me at my favorite haunt, Uptown Espresso, and you'll never want to go back to the Evil Green Lady again.

8. Mad props to Jim Ivie, whose story of leaving his job as MLS's head of broadcasting for the Air Force after 9/11 was the subject of an NBC Nightly News piece last Sunday. Best of luck, big guy. (Full disclosure: Jim and I were the voice of Princeton soccer for WPRB radio during the glorious Final Four season of 1993. Wanna make something of it?)

9. Oct. 6: Keller vs. Friedel. 'Nuff said.

10. Finally, the American soccer family was shocked by the recent passing of Lark Chastain, the mother of Brandi Chastain. Like everyone else, I found Lark an absolute joy to talk to and be around. Condolences to Brandi and her family.

See you in two weeks.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Grant Wahl keeps you up to date with the world of U.S. soccer twice monthly at CNNSI.com. To send Wahl a comment, question or story idea, click here.