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If I were commissioner

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Posted: Tuesday April 18, 2000 05:57 PM

  View the Ivan Maisel archives

If they made me commissioner of college football:

  • I would have Notre Dame go 11-1, just to see how many Domers crush themselves to death climbing back on the Bob Davie bandwagon.

  • I would make every band adhere to one of two styles -- Southern University's or Stanford's.

  • I would make an exception for TBDBITL (the best damn band in the land) at Ohio State, as long as they promise to keep dotting the "i".

  • North Carolina linebacker Brandon Spoon would be an All-America. Spoon blew out a biceps last fall, then had to watch the Tar Heels founder without his leadership.
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  • Ron Franklin and Mike Gottfried would call my national championship game.

  • I would make every fan attend one Alabama-Auburn game, so they would know how high the rivalry bar should be set. And how long the bar should be open.

  • I would implement any playoff system you come up with that saves the bowls and -- here's the important part -- finishes on New Year's Day, as God and Coach Bryant intended.

  • I would make sure that Iowa State senior quarterback Sage Rosenfels had a good year. Rosenfels is who Chip Hilton wanted to be when he grew up. Rosenfels made all-state in football, basketball and baseball at Maquoketa (Iowa) High. He also played No. 1 on the tennis team and qualified for the state track meet. Now he's married, an honor roll student and a returning starter. Rosenfels finished last season by throwing for 322 yards and three touchdowns in a 31-28 loss to Kansas. Iowa State has 18 starters returning from a team that went 4-7 with four losses by a touchdown or less. Watch out for the Cyclones.

  • I would junk every award but the Heisman and the Outland. The rest make my head hurt. Does the NFL have a Mosi Tatupu Award?

  • I would summon Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, LaVell Edwards and their 872 victories to my office -- for dinner. Close the door, serve the food and listen to them tell stories for four hours.

  • Student body attendance is falling and no one has figured out a solution. I would make attendance at three football games a year mandatory for any student interested in graduating. Don't tell me it won't work.

  • Army/Navy (pick one) would win at least eight games going into the final game of the regular season, where it would be upset by Army/Navy (pick the other one, genius).

  • Every team would find a quarterback quick enough to run and strong enough to throw. Is there any moment more exciting than when Michael Vick (Virginia Tech) or Marques Tuiasosopo (Washington) or Quincy Carter (Georgia) sprints sideways out of the pocket?

  • I would send a group of Texas Aggies to every school to teach a seminar on campus spirit.

  • I would fine an athletic department $10,000 every time the locker room remains closed to reporters after games. And I would order Florida coach Steve Spurrier to give seminars on how to deal with the media. He tells it straight. But Steve -- open that locker room.

  • I would challenge every radio shock jock who knows everything about college football to spell LaDainian Tomlinson from memory. Those who can't will have to tackle the TCU tailback before they get their mikes back.

  • I would cut the scholarship limit to 75. Look out, Sugar Bowl! Here comes Vandy!

  • I would have Miami coach Butch Davis talk to every school that wants to rebuild the right way. If only he could beat Virginia Tech ... or Florida State.

  • College football would have an early signing period similar to the one basketball has used so successfully. But anyone who talks recruiting within my earshot before the end of the last bowl game would be banned from any college football Web site or talk show until signing day.

  • In lieu of spring games, during which no one with any talent plays because the coach is scared of injuries, I would command every school to have a spring football carnival. Kids could meet the players, fans could pick up bumper stickers and season tickets, and football would get a jump start toward the fall.

  • I would make July a mandatory vacation month for the players -- the way it is for the coaches.

  • I would bottle the electricity you feel on a cool autumn Saturday morning when you turn the corner and see the stadium looming before you.

    Sports Illustrated senior writer Ivan Maisel covers college football for the magazine and is a frequent contributor to CNNSI.com.

    The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

     
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