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Coaches take center stage Fans turn their attention to the men who patrol the sidelinesPosted: Thursday October 17, 2002 5:21 PMUpdated: Thursday October 17, 2002 6:03 PM
Sports Illustrated senior writer Ivan Maisel will answer your college football questions every Thursday. Click here to send a question. In the case of Great Games v. Wife's Sister's Wedding, which I asked you to argue last week, your responses and suggestions were witty, profane, enormously inventive, and occasionally lucid. The Results:
Here are excerpts from the best suggestions: Worry not, I have your solution: simply make the wedding a college football-themed party. Have the bridesmaids dress as cheerleaders, have the groomsmen wear pads, cater some barbecue for the reception, and line the with walls with big screen TVs.
Blow off the wedding. You KNOW how it will turn out.
Take the wedding to your favorite game and have the ceremony at halftime.
Major marriage credits. Big points. I'm thinking enough credits for a couple of trips with the guys, some new golf clubs, with maybe a couple of favors left over. Trust me on this: go to the wedding with a good attitude.
Fall weddings indicate one of two things: Either the man has zero interest in sports, or he has no cojones and his wife runs roughshod over him like Miami over Florida A&M.
Some not-so helpful hints:
(Footnote: Where is this wedding? If the groom lives in Texas, Oklahoma, Florida or Georgia, he has lost all sense of manhood by agreeing to this date. I can't imagine his groomsmen are too happy with him, either.)
Here are the options:
As you can see, since the wife is not happy in either case, the winning solution is for you to go to the game. Give the happy couple a TV, hook it up at the reception. The bride might not thank you, but everyone else will.
You have a pretty good excuse to watch football -- you can say it's work-related. If your wife doesn't understand that, then divorce her.
Best solution: hire a look-alike to go to the wedding.
(I suggested Jude Law. My wife looked at me and suggested Homer Simpson.) You are totally nuts, and a hypocrite, if you do anything other than sit home and watch college football all day on Saturday. Your wife's sister? Who cares?!? Don't be another married wuss who gives up his favorite things in life because he is scared of his wife. DON'T BE THAT GUY!
This situation is why they made VCRs; for clueless sisters-in-law.
(And last but not least, my favorite:) If we continue to have weddings on days like this past Saturday, the terrorists have won.
Thank you for the advice, which, by the way, I heeded. I went to the wedding. Clare and Mike did me the favor of getting hitched late in the morning on the East Coast, so I was able to attend the ceremony and miss only College GameDay. I made frequent trips to the grill at the country club during the reception, and disappeared for a half hour between 3:00 and 3:30 to catch the end of Florida State-Miami. Missed the cake-cutting ceremony, yes, but got a piece of it later. Back at the hotel by 6 p.m., I caught the fourth quarter of Penn State-Michigan. Where in the heck did this Andrew Walter kid come from? I flew into Tempe, Ariz. to visit my brother and decided to check out the North Carolina-Arizona St. game. All the talk was about Walter being No. 1 in the nation in passing efficiency. Considering what I think of West Coast football, I figured the kid was some shrimp tossing five-yard floaters to an even smaller scatback. Holy cow! Walter's huge and throws 60-yard missiles. I follow recruiting very closely, and I don't remember this guy being on anyone's radar. Where have they been hiding him, and why don't I hear more about him from guys like you?
Ex-Sun Devils coach Bruce Snyder swore by Walter, and promised that he would be a star. That was forgotten in ASU's coaching change. Walter has put up big numbers, but like the Sun Devils, he may not be ready for the meat of Arizona State's Pac-10 schedule, which begins to get serious this week. I'll be watching to see how good the Sun Devils are. I saw them at Nebraska and was impressed, and that was before Walter won the starting job. Every year Texas recruits what is unanimously agreed to be as the best talent in the country, and then it proceeds to choke in the big game. Is this due to a lack of creativity on the part of offensive coordinator Greg Davis and other assistant coaches, or are Longhorn players just overrated?
I can't figure it out, either, Matt. I don't understand why the 'Horns fall apart against Oklahoma. It reminds me of Tennessee in the mid-1990s, trying to beat Florida. Of course, in 1998, the Vols went undefeated and won the national championship. So there's hope. I will say, as far as the Texas defense is concerned, that the Oklahoma coaches have long believed they could line up and run through the Longhorns. That's what the Sooners did last Saturday. You listed, you named the most obnoxious fans by school in alphabetical order. Now, who are the most knowledgeable fans in the college game?
I will say in complete honesty, Lee, that I don't know. I don't sit with the fans and don't talk to them enough. How does one judge? If there was a way to realign all the major conferences to form Super Conferences with an equal number of teams, and with only regional location used to guide you, which school would you put where? Also, the worst teams in each conference (i.e. Baylor, Vandy, Temple, etc.) could be dropped, and not be placed among any of the newly aligned conferences.
Wait a minute, Ben. If you drop the weak teams in each conference, how do mediocre schools get enough wins to go to the Sun Bowl? That said, I'd put Florida State in the SEC and Kentucky in the ACC. I'd put Colorado and, if it's academically kosher (I've never checked), Colorado State in the Pac-10. I'd take Baylor out of the Big 12 and replace it with BYU, then I'd put Notre Dame in the Big 10. Are you still the leader of the Rick Neuheisel Media Fan Club? Seems that others are beginning to question Rick and his methods. Oh well, in a few more years he will move on to the NFL, leaving another proud university in rubble, all the while denying that the downfall had anything to do with his efforts. And when he arrives in the NFL, he will continue to be adored by the media. When will you guys get it?
Sue me, Greg. I have a lot of respect for Neuheisel. The new, tougher NCAA made an example out of him. Keep in mind he's still among the youngest coaches in the nation. He'll make more mistakes. He'll also win a lot more games. SMU's Ford Stadium is an example of a new on-campus football facility built for a reasonable cost ($57 million). While it's no Husky Stadium (I'm partial to U-Dub), this facility seems like it could be a good model for Minnesota. Perhaps you could pass this link on to the gentlemen from Minneapolis. Thanks.
Consider it passed. I think the Gophers would like a bigger stadium than SMU (32,000) has. More seats cost more money. What's your take Michigan coach Lloyd Carr? As a longtime Wolverine fan I try to follow the team as much as possible, but since I've moved to Texas for school I haven't heard much about him. I think Michigan has done quite well under Carr, and considering that he won a national title in 1997, I don't think he gets a lot of press. Do you think he flies under the radar a bit, or do you feel that other coaches, like Bobby Bowden or Steve Spurrier, just attract more attention?
Lloyd Carr doesn't get a lot of press because he doesn't want a lot. If he did, he and his staff would make themselves more available. Michigan coaches have a tradition of ignoring the media. It started with Bo Schembechler, and the school's coaches seem to take delight in not making themselves available. On the occasions when I've spoken with Carr in one-on-one interviews, I've found him to be a smart guy and an engaging one. He doesn't like to show that side. He'd rather bark at writers and intimidate them. For the most part, we take it, because we don't care whether coaches like us or not. We still have stories to write. First, I enjoy your columns. I find them very informative and truthful. Thanks. Now to the bigger issue -- Florida State. Knowing that quarterback Chris Rix has had trouble with decision-making and "jelling" with the team, why doesn't coach Bobby Bowden go with backup QB Adrian McPherson? I remember back in the early '90's when Brad Johnson was benched for Casey Weldon, and that move had a tremendous impact.
Don, didn't you see the Clemson game? When Rix got hurt, McPherson came in and looked like, well, a backup. Rix is doing his maturing on the field. He's still young. Hang in there with him. I think Tom O'Brien as done a great job rebuilding the Boston College football program that was so thoroughly destroyed by Dan Henning. But after waiting almost three years for the Eagles to take that elusive "next step" and beat a top program, I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever happen with O'Brien at the helm. Do you think the Eagles will continue to improve under O'Brien, perhaps contending not only with Virginia Tech and Miami for the Big East title, but for a national title, as well? Or will Boston College always be one step away. If so, would a coaching change benefit?
Ken, you have to be kidding. BC gets better every year. Virginia Tech may be the best team in the country. The Eagles played the Hokies within a touchdown. BC lost to Miami last season because of a fluke play. Will the Eagles ever be as good as Miami? Yes, when they move Chestnut Hill to Dade County. In the meantime, figure out that you have a good coach and your team may be No. 3 in the Big East while the first two teams are in the Top 5. That ain't so bad. What are the chances Ron Zook coaches for a second year at the University of Florida? His hiring was not highly praised, and the latest string of losses and embarrassing performances has the fans and local media openly saying the situation is "not correctable." If a change is made, what are the chances the Gators could lure Jeff Tedford from Cal? He seems to be cut from the same mold as a young Steve Spurrier.
Jason, I don't want to pick on you. You were nice enough to write. I appreciate it. But stop and think for a minute. Jeremy Foley runs the UF athletic department. Jeremy Foley hired Ron Zook. Do you think for a minute he's going to cut and run from Zook after seven games? After one season? Get a grip. Here's something else to think about. Florida can finish 8-4 and still win the SEC East. Give the guy a transition period.. He has made mistakes. Also, Rex Grossman is not a good fit in Ed Zaunbrecher's offense, if the last two weeks are any indication. That doesn't mean you start over. The college overtime issue has gone back and forth without resolution. Here are a couple of suggestions taken from other sports: Field goal contests (World Cup soccer and Olympic hockey). Remove a couple of players from the field (NHL). Arbitrarily end the game when the players are too tired (baseball's All-Star Game). A coin flip (NFL). OK, here the team has to score, but it is a lot easier when you are going for a field goal, or you have Tom Tupa trying to throw from his own end zone. Basically, no one has come to a conclusion. My overtime suggestion is the best -- start from the 50-yard line; require that a touchdown is scored; a team can only go for 2-point conversions. Better yet, just have the coaches in a sausage race.
I like the sausage race idea. My money is on Paterno. You could dress a referee in a bun costume. As we saw a couple of weeks ago, JoePa would outrun anyone. Why is Chris Brown from Colorado not mentioned as a potential Heisman Candidate? He is averaging seven yards per carry and has close to 1,000 yards and 10 touchdowns already. This guy is an amazing athlete to watch (309 yards against Kansas last week). He deserves to be at the top of the Heisman list.
Gaining 309 yards against Kansas? That's the yardage equivalent of dog years, right? How much is that in Division I-A yards? Should Dominick Davis of LSU be receiving any Heisman consideration? He is now the featured running back for the Tigers, and he has (I think) has been great on punt returns. His non-measurable stats, such as when teams punt away from him, are giving LSU a short field to work with, and that's a big bonus.
Davis is good, but Heisman candidates do not live by punt returns alone. If he had been starting the entire season, instead of having to share the job with LaBrandon Toefield for the first half of the season, Davis might have gotten some attention. Jason Fife has better numbers than Ken Dorsey at the halfway point, and we have not heard a word about him. Is Oregon going to have to move its entire campus to New York to get noticed?
C'mon Jeremy. Oregon doesn't have to move to New York. The Ducks just have to play somebody. Their schedule, before the UCLA game, was weaker than weak. What do you think of Air Force and its quarterback Chance Harridge -- specifically, the Falcons' chances (no pun intended) of breaking into the Top 10, and Harridge's performance up to this point? I have to root for somebody and since my beloved Cornhuskers are going through a "transition" this season. I may as well cheer for my service branch's team.
I'm very impressed by Air Force. I'm going to Colorado Springs this weekend to see the Falcons play Notre Dame. I'm with you, Patrick. Dump those red overalls and root for the flyboys. Sports Illustrated senior writer Ivan Maisel covers college football for the magazine and is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com. Click here to send him a question or comment.
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