Not your father's awards

A look at the wild and wacky from the NBA's first half

This is the time of year when self-respecting columnists offer their midseason selections in various categories. But you don't care who I think the MVP is to this point (Jason Kidd). You don't care who I think is the Rookie of the Year (Pau Gasol). You don't care who I think is the best sixth man. (I have no idea.) What you really want to know is ...

Why did I call Ernie Banks a second baseman in an essay I wrote for the Scorecard section of last week's Sports Illustrated?

The answer is: I DIDN'T. The wrong position -- Banks was a shortstop, as any baseball-loving kid who grew up in the '50s knows -- was added late in the editing process, long after I turned in my copy.

Why is he telling us this now, you ask? So maybe some of the 100 or so letter-writers who have pointed out my error, and the couple of thousand others who recognized the mistake but didn't write in, would realize that I'M NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT! This is my only forum for writing about the Banks faux pas, so consider yourself stuck with it.

There -- it's off my chest. Well, not really. I've also cancelled my subscription to Sports Illustrated.

Now for the real midseason awards:

Best Contract Clause -- Karl Malone's pact with the Utah Jazz includes the provision that he cannot shoot anything while riding a horse. I'm not making this up. Malone has so worried owner Larry Miller with his various avocations over the years -- motorcycles, pro wrestling, now it's monster trucks -- that Miller decided, "I gotta get one restriction in there." Actually, it wasn't a bad idea; Malone rides horses and he said many's the time he has thought about hunting from one. Honest.

Most Regrettable Halftime Quote -- Portland Trail Blazers general manager Bob "Chemistry Be Damned" Whitsitt said of his walking technical foul machine Rasheed Wallace: "I wish I had 12 Rasheed Wallaces." Well, it was only one Wallace who proceeded to get ejected during the second half of the February 2nd NBC game against the Jazz, a transgression that probably cost the Blazers a victory. Wallace had a good point, though: Karl Malone had been stationed in the low post on a horse throughout the game.

Rasheed Wallace Award for Best Team Harmony Quote -- Free-agent-in-limbo Marc Jackson said of the Golden State Warriors: "This is a stupid (expletive) organization. They're a bunch of (double expletive). (Double expletive) [GM] Garry St. Jean." Then again, with what the Warriors are doing to Jackson -- keeping him from playing, but backing out on deals to get rid of him -- is inexcusable. St. Jean should be placed on a wild horse and sent into the woods with a rifle.

Runner-up for Rasheed Wallace Award for Best Team Harmony Quote -- Milwaukee Bucks coach George Karl said: "Maybe it's time to either trade one of them or fire me. It's come to that to be honest with you. I'm not backing off. I'm not playing stubborn basketball. We've got a lot of guys who are playing the right way. But we've got a lot of guys who won't commit to playing the right way."

Here's the great thing about ol' George. Nobody's ever sure exactly who he's talking about (although it's usually some combination of his big three: Ray Allen, Glenn Robinson and Sam Cassell) when he goes off, and he's liable to say things like that after a 25-point victory. Just to see what would happen, Karl should go coach in Dallas for a week and compete for front-page space with Mark Cuban.

NBA Player Least Likely to get a Traffic Ticket in Saginaw, Mich. -- That would be Milwaukee's Darvin Ham, whose mother, Wilmer Ham, was elected the town's mayor last November. Informed sources say that if Karl disses her son, the coach can expect a nuisance summons forthwith.

Best Referring to Your Own Bad Self in the Third Person -- Reflecting on trade rumors, Jalen Rose of the Indiana Pacers said: "You look at our team, how can you afford to trade Jalen Rose?"

Jack McCallum's Take on Jalen Rose: "You ask Jack McCallum what Jack McCallum thinks and Jack McCallum thinks Jalen Rose could be traded, if not soon, then in the offseason."

Jalen Rose's Take on Jack McCallum: "Jalen Rose says Jack McCallum is a wack honky who thinks Ernie Banks played second base which Jalen Rose knows ain't the case."

Most Unlikely Attitude Turnaround: The Wizards' Christian Laettner has become a true leader in the locker room and has taken it upon himself to tutor the team's younger players, rookie Kwame Brown in particular. Jack McCallum always thought Laettner was a wack honky.

Best Future Moment: When Hornets owner George "Bible Thumping" Shinn takes a tour of his franchise's new home and sees several of his players getting lap dances on Bourbon Street.

Worst Future Moment: When Tim Duncan announces his intention to leave San Antonio and play in Orlando. What is it about that place? I mean, the Pirates of the Caribbean is all right but Epcot is so over.

Worst All-Star Event: For the 10th straight year or so it will be the slam dunk contest. It's more over than Epcot. Ten guys shooting baskets on horseback would be more entertaining.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Jack McCallum covers the NBA beat for the magazine and is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com. Click here to send a question to his NBA Mailbag.

 

Related information
Stories
Jack McCallum's Insider Archive
Multimedia
Visit Video Plus for the latest audio and video
Search our site	Watch CNN/SI 24 hours a day
	Sports Illustrated and CNN have combined to form a 24 hour sports news and information channel. To receive CNN/SI at your home call your cable operator or DirecTV.