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No-win situation One pessimist can't find a team worthy of the NBA titlePosted: Tuesday February 19, 2002 12:14 PM
Being a glass-is-half-empty type guy, I'm going to tell you, at this more-than-midway point, why no team can win the NBA title: The New Jersey Nets: Puh-leeze! Jason Kidd can't do it alone. Kenyon Martin will get thrown out of a key playoff game. Keith Van Horn was not, is not and will never be the next Larry Bird. Confronted with one of the big, bad frontcourtman from the West, Todd MacCulloch will turn back into ... Todd MacCulloch. Plus, it's the Nets, right? Something bad is bound to happen around Jimmy Hoffa's burial ground. The Philadelphia 76ers: You've got to be kidding. Last season's Eastern Conference title was a chimera. Derrick Coleman is winding into playoff shape by beating up on a skinny, 100-year-old guard. Eric Snow is a gamer, but he's always injured. The next good shot Allen Iverson takes will be his first good shot of the season. Dikembe Mutombo has a thousand moving parts and one move. Larry Brown wishes he were coaching Kansas. The Boston Celtics: Oh, sure. When's the last time a two-man team won something besides bobsled? Once Kenny Anderson gives the ball up to Antoine Walker in the halfcourt -- which is most of the time -- he has nowhere to go and nothing to do. As for Antoine, he finds far too much to do. Most of the world doesn't even know how to pronounce center Tony Battie's last name. (It's ba-TEA; the bad news is, it's not RUS-sul.) The Toronto Raptors: Gimme a break. Antonio Davis recently labeled his team "a sinking ship," and he's the glue. There are many nights when Vince Carter looks suspiciously like the second coming of Dominique Wilkins. Lenny Wilkens wishes he were back coaching Seattle. Well, maybe not. Perhaps Portland. Well, maybe not. Cleveland? Well, maybe not. Atlanta? Well, maybe not. How about Kansas? The Milwaukee Bucks: Yeah, right. So soap-operatic are events in Suds City, this team should sign Marie Reine Le Gougne to a 10-day contract. George Karl is mad at Glenn Robinson unless he's mad at Ray Allen unless he's mad at Sam Cassell unless he's mad at all of them at the same time. Cassell is mad at the world because he feels his three-year $17 million contract extension (the best he could do under the rules of the collective bargaining agreement) leaves him underpaid. Anthony "Live in the Moment" Mason says this team thinks too much about what it did last year when he wasn't around; maybe that's because the Bucks were better last year, Mace. The Washington Wizards: Let's not even go there. They've got No. 23 and a few nice monuments. Switching to the West ... The San Antonio Spurs: Hah! Here's how you scare them: Sneak up from behind and yell ... LAKERS! David Robinson is too old, Tony Parker is too young and Tim Duncan is too quiet. The Dallas Mavericks: Forget it. They have no center. They have no shooting guard. What they have are three very good players. How many calls do you think they're going to get down the stretch with owner Mark Cuban yelling at the zebras from courtside? And here's how you scare them: Sneak up from behind and ... well, you've already heard that one. All that and they haven't beaten the Lakers since Don Nelson was wearing short pants in Boston Garden. The Sacramento Kings: Won't happen. Nice team but untested in real big games. Vlade Divac's flopping brings out the man in Shaquille O'Neal. Doug Christie's a good defender but he can't check Kobe Bryant if Kobe doesn't want to be checked. Chris Webber won't continue his stellar play in the postseason. And they can't play the entire postseason in Arco Arena. The Minnesota Timberwolves: Not this season, podner. That weak-ass zone will get unzoned in May, when one playoff opponent has time to study it. Kevin Garnett is splendid but doesn't have a low-post game and doesn't get to the line. The reins are in Chauncey Billups' hands and the Wolves aren't sure about that. Joe Smith will get outmuscled when the going gets tough. Plus, it's asking far too much of sportswriters to constantly type out "Szczerbiak" and "Nesterovic." The Los Angeles Lakers: No way. Teams have figured out the triangle. The new additions aren't as strong as the subtractions. They've absorbed far too much psychological damage by losing to bad teams (Bulls, Heat, Nuggets, etc.). Shaq's toe looks like a science experiment gone horribly wrong. Kobe feels alone and unwanted, and not just when he's in Philly. But if you're going to ignore any of this, especially ignore the last paragraph. Sports Illustrated senior writer Jack McCallum covers the NBA beat for the magazine and is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com. Click here to send a question to his NBA Mailbag. |
