What if no team won the NBA title?

Here's how that crazy situation could play out

I would like to be packing my bags for NBA All-Star Weekend in Atlanta about now, but, alas, I find myself preparing for arthroscopic knee surgery, just like a real jock. On a positive note, I will not be at courtside for either the slam-dunk competition or the celebrity battle between Justin Timberlake and Ice Cube. (Memo to NBA: Nothing is as over as the slam dunk competition.)

Anyway, since I'm not in a particularly positive mood -- I've never been much for ice packs and rehab -- I feel inclined to set my sights on June and give you my second annual "Why Nobody Can Win the NBA Title" column. Please accept it in the spirit with which it is presented.

In the East, which by special commissioner's edict will once again be allowed to participate in the Finals, the PACERS will surely implode from the sheer heat of their own collective internal temperature. At some point in the postseason, Ron Artest will spot NBA punishment czar Stu Jackson in the stands, take exception to Jackson's suit-and tie-combination, and start an altercation with the executive. Indiana coach Isiah Thomas will call it "an honest difference of opinion" and Jermaine O'Neal will play like he did in last summer's World Championships, which was not very well at all.

The NETS will sink into the Turnpike swampland once again. An all-points bulletin will finally unearth Dikembe Mutombo, whose offensive ballet will become so painful to watch that Kenyon Martin will publicly call for the return of Keith Van Horn. Van Horn, meanwhile, will grab a total of two rebounds in Philly's seven-game first-round series, causing Allen Iverson to unload on him during a practice session (for which A.I. showed up halfway through). Larry Brown will suggest that Geno Auriemma replace him as Olympic coach -- not a bad thought, by the way -- and the 76ERS will not go anywhere.

Detroit Coach Rick Carlisle will call reporters to request postseason awards for Ben Wallace, Corliss Williams, Rip Hamilton, George Yardley, PR man Matt Dobek and the entire hot dog vending crew at The Palace, but the PISTONS will once again not motor far out of the Motor City.

As for the CELTICS, who sent the Pistons on their way last season, the FleetCenter will once again be devoid of springtime leprechauns. On a positive note, Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker, who at this writing have combined for almost 1,900 field-goal attempts this season, will be chosen as test subjects for a landmark study on bursitis of the shoulder. (Iverson declined an invitation.)

Moving to the West -- which no one in the East wants to do -- one sees a multitude of disappointed teams. The MAVERICKS, still smarting from two regular-season disasters against Sacramento (the first a rout, the other Tuesday night's agonizing one-point loss) and another at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers (when the Mavs blew a 30-point lead), will once again fail to fulfill the promise of their Fun Bunch roster, bearing out Houston Rockets guard Steve Francis' proclamation that "none of the good teams are really scared of them." However, Dallas will be favored to make good on its intention to go 110-0 in the North Dallas CYO League next season and hold "most of its opponents" to under 100 points.

Speaking of Francis' ROCKETS, they will not reach the promise land. At about the time that Francis and backcourt running mate Cuttino Mobley are joining Pierce and Walker at the bursitis seminar, center Yao Ming will have finally learned how to say, "Pass me the damn ball!" in English.

The SUNS will not rise. Sometime during the postseason, a lightning bolt will strike down Stephon Marbury for saying, apparently in utter seriousness, that his rookie teammate Amare Stoudemire is so much better than Kevin Garnett was at a similar age that "it's like comparing Michael Jordan to Mario Elie."

Speaking of Garnett, his TIMBERWOLVES will once again fail to howl in the spring despite the fact that K.G. triple-doubles his way through the playoffs. On the positive side, Terrell Brandon will announce that he should be ready to return to action, and give the T-Wolves a dependable point guard "sometime before the 2008 season."

The JAZZ will make an interesting run until the Jerry Sloan's squad starts to show its age. As for the good news, the coach, Karl Malone and John Stockton will make the cover of AARP: The Magazine.

The TRAIL BLAZERS will accuse the league of a wide-ranging number of conspiracies against them, including "territorial" ("The NBA hates teams from the Northwest"), "tattootorial" ("The NBA hates teams with lots of tattoos") and "tenacitorial" ("The NBA hates teams which have players who act like petulant grade-schoolers, act out every other game, threaten referees and go after them on loading docks"). None of these theories will help the Blaze-outs make it far into May. The good news? Irritating know-it-all Dr. Phil will schedule the team for a one-hour special, which will be cut short when Rasheed Wallace and Bonzi Wells break all the furniture on the set over their host's bald head. It will be the Blazers' most positive display of aggression in years.

The SPURS, alas, will once again fail to defend the Alamo. Coach Gregg Popovich will insist that league MVP Tim Duncan is "not our only offensive option," right after the Spurs get eliminated on consecutive last-shot misses by Tony Parker, Stephen Jackson, David Robinson and Malik Rose. The City of San Antonio will subsequently put Duncan, a free agent, under 24-hour watch so he does not bolt to another team.

Early in the postseason the KINGS will attempt to activate coach Rick Adelman and GM Geoff Petrie after a regular season in which almost every player suffered some kind of injury, but team consultant Pete Carrill will veto the idea on the grounds that Petrie never played within the offense when he coached him at Princeton. (Mavs owner Mark Cuban will suggest that the Kings' injury plague is cosmic payback for years of serenading by the cowbell chorus at Arco Arena.) Sacramento will eventually get healthy and reach the Western Conference finals, where it will shoot zero-for-the-last-quarter and claim that the rim at its end was 1/16 of an inch too small.

Let's see, is there anybody else ... ah, yes, the defending champs. The LAKERS will claw their way into the playoffs at the sixth or seventh spot and start to pick up steam, at which point a miraculous thing will happen -- Kobe and Shaq will become the first duo in NBA history to score all of their team's points in a single game. The boxscore will read: Bryant 21-51 FG's, 4-6 FT's, 58 points; O'Neal 23-39, 8-21, 54; Derek Fisher 0-3 0-0, 0; Fox 0-4, 0-1, 0; Robert Horry 0-0, 0-0, 0; Devean George ... you get the idea. The Lakers' 112-point effort will fall short, however, and Kobe and Shaq will blame the loss on the combined 0-for-7 shooting of Fisher and Fox.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Jack McCallum covers the NBA beat for the magazine and is a regular contributor to SI.com. Click here to send a question to his NBA Mailbag.

 

Related information

Stories

Previous Jack McCallum Columns

Multimedia

Visit Video Plus for the latest audio and video