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 Veeck's latest gimmick falls short
Posted: Wednesday April 14, 1999 12:14 PM
If you can't make fun of a midget, someone once said, who can you make fun of? That someone was me. I, Jeff Pearlman, have often felt a deep-seated prejudice against midgets ... dwarves ... stumps ... whatever you'd call 'em. As a boy, I just laughed. In college, I once embarrassed a troll -- oops, short person -- on the front page of the student newspaper. "Midgets take over town," the April Fool's headline read. I was 6'2" and mean. Last Friday, while I was walking across the fake turf at St. Pete's shopping-mall-esque Tropicana Field, a short little thing whizzed by me, going a solid 10 mph. He was stubby and scrunched, Webster cut in half. He was about as big as my shoe. His name was Dave and he was -- at 3'2" -- the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' newest gimmick: The funny midget. Dave was wearing uniform No. 3.2, along with a Rays baseball cap. As he waddled around, people giggled. "Look at the little guy!" someone yelled. "Ha! Ha! Poor fella." This was the idea of Mike Veeck, Tampa Bay's new promotional guru and a man (see Veeck, William and Gaedel, Eddie) whose father once put a midget in a baseball uniform and sent him up to bat. Dave the Dwarf was hired to meet and greet; to win chuckles; to perform the magic of midgetry. In short, to draw people to the park. Veeck's brainchild. Go figure. In the midst of it all -- Dave, Devil Rays Beanie Baby Night, kids running the bases after games, organ music every other millisecond, free sunglasses (ugly, too), an Alf-wannabe mascot messing with kids' hair, a fake beach in left field -- I was struck by a sudden jolt of damned morality. Don't people go to the ballpark for -- gasp! -- baseball anymore? (Despite reports to the contrary, the Rays do, in fact, play baseball.) Isn't the game an interesting enough diversion? Growing up in tiny Mahopac, N.Y., a true treat was Mom and Dad taking me and the brother out to Shea, sitting in the bloodiest of nosebleed seats, maybe buying a soda and watching nine innings of George Foster, Dave Kingman and Joel Youngblood losing 14-3. If it were a really good day, perhaps the Metropolitans would be playing the dreaded Cards. Or Montreal. Or the Cubs. There were no midgets at Shea Stadium (unless they were sliding under the turnstiles). But here we are, nearly in the 21st century, and people aren't content with the game. In a way, I feel sorry for tiny Dave, who should be able to roam the world unshackled by the iron cuffs of midgethood and dwarfdom. Run free, little Dave! Run free! Alas, he is a mascot without a suit. The grand ol' game's perfect pitch: Funny midgets ... and nine innings, too. Sports Illustrated staff writer Jeff Pearlman offers his unique view on baseball every week.
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