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 Dodger blues
Posted: Tuesday June 22, 1999 04:32 PM
Act 1: A plush New York City office, red carpet, oak furniture, framed autographed painting of Don Money above the fireplace. Bud Selig sits at his desk, reading a copy of I Bud: My Life in Brewball, sipping a glass of wine. The phone rings. Secretary's voice: Mr. Selig, Rupert Murdoch here to see you. Selig: He's wha— Enter Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch: Bud, you worthless wad of vegemite. Selig: Rup- ... uhhm, Mr. Murdoch, sir. What brings you to these parts? Murdoch: The script, dammit! Selig: The wha? Murdoch: The script! Where is it? Selig: With all respect due to a man of your power, your charm, your scent, what are you talking about? Murdoch: The script, dammit! The script. Dodgers '99: Season of Glory. Where is the bloody thing? Selig: I have no— Murdoch: Bud, I'm no fool. I might be a rich, arrogant, greed-infested raindrop of filth ... but I'm no fool. Selig: Gosh. I had no idea. Murdoch: Just lemme see the damn thing. Selig: (Sigh.) OK ... OK. Kim. KIM! Enter Kim, 26-year-old ,well-proportioned eye candy. She pokes her head through door. Kim: Yes, Mr. Selig? Selig: Bring me the scripts. Kim: Sir? Selig: JUST BRING 'EM! Kim returns with armful of bound papers. Selig: Alrighty, let's see here. Mets '99: Lies and Deception ... no. Padres '99: Bringin' the Crud ... nah. Braves '99: Chicks Dig the Mediocre. Dammit. Ah, here it is. Here you go, Mr. Murdoch. Murdoch: Betty Long Legs' Guide to Pleasure? Selig: OH! Oh! Uhhh ... no. This one. Dodgers '99: Death of the Evil Corporate Monster. Murdoch: Death of the Evil Corporate Monster!? Bud, what the hell? Selig: Well, we thought ratings being what they are ... Murdoch: Excuse me? Selig: Everyone loves a happy ending, sir. Brandon and Kelly getting married. Bailey leaving his alcoholism behind. A greedy SOB -- no offense, sir -- spending tons of money to buy a championship club, then falling to pieces like Darryl Strawberry at a Rite-Aid. It's great TV. Feel-good stuff. Murdoch: Brandon and Kelly didn't get married. Selig: Oh. Sorry. But this is everything baseball needs: drama, action, adventure. Like, here, turn to page 53, act 17. Murdoch: Page 53 ... act 17. Let's see: Dodgers trade two All-Star caliber players to Mets in exchange for broken-down catcher with no arm strength ... I don't think I like this. Selig: Just keep reading, sir. Murdoch: Fine. Kevin Malone: Trust me, Mr. Murdoch. There's no way Todd Hundley can fail. Sure, he's caught one game in the last year. Sure, he hit .161. Sure, we could wait until after spring training, make certain he's healthy, then pull the deal. But, hey! He'll look hella-cool in Dodger blue. Rupert Murdoch: You've convinced me. Murdoch: Bud, what the f&^%? Selig: No, don't worry. It gets better -- the kids will love this stuff. Like here ... mmmm ... page 72, act 22. Murdoch: Ah, here. Malone: Just because Mel Rojas throws 67 mph, just because he can't hit the side of a fat guy in humidity, just because he throws one effective pitch, just because he bites ... well, hey, does that mean he shouldn't be a key middle reliever for us? Murdoch: M'gosh Kevin, you're right again. Murdoch: BUD!! Selig: Great, eh? Page 23, act 11. Gary Sheffield: Yeah, I've got this $200 billion contract for playing 140 games at half-speed. But clearly I'm not appreciated. I'm thinking of retiring. Murdoch: No Gary! Please. I love you. Would you like ... more money? Murdoch: Bud, we've got work to do. Selig: Sir? Murdoch: Scripts are made to be rewritten. That's TV in a nutshell. One day it's a black, middle-class family in Waco, the next season it's Tony Danza as an undercover agent with an attitude. Things change, Bud. Let's start with this title. I think I've got a good one. Dodgers '99: Rupert Wins Again. It's catchy, it's hip, it's ... Fade to black. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.
Sports Illustrated staff writer Jeff Pearlman offers his unique view on baseball every week.
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