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Fohl Balls: The midseason awards

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Posted: Wednesday July 07, 1999 09:26 PM

Michael J. Lewis , an up-and-coming sportswriter for the Star-News in Wilmington, N.C., recently offered me some extraordinarily useless information. In 1903, Lee Fohl went 5-for-14 with the Chicago Cubs. Those were the only hits of Fohl's career.

Why, I asked young Lewis, should I care?

His answer: Because someone needs to.

Hence, in honor of a player no one remembers/cares about/finds remotely interesting, I introduce the first-ever Fohl Balls, which will be offered exclusively on CNNSI.com, every year, once a year -- until next year, when I will surely be fired.

Envelopes! Envelopes!

The Charlie Puleo Award (Worst Pitcher): Bobby Ayala, Montreal. Amazingly, Ayala's ERA is under 4.00, which means the cosmos is out of whack, the stars have imploded or Sister, Sister has mercifully been axed. Alas, he is also 0-5 and continues to launch meatball after meatball to all-too-happy hitters. Ayala, the most-hated man in Seattle (from his days in the Mariners' bullpen of doom), will surely offend sooner rather than later.

The Celery Award (Most Worthless Vegetable): Bobby Bonilla, Mets. Wah! Wah! Wah! I'm hitting .167, my glove doesn't work and my knees are the size of Pamela Lee implants ... but play me, dammit! Once upon a time, Bonilla was an honest-to-goodness team player who led Florida to the '97 World Series title. Once upon a time, bread was a nickel a loaf.

The Chevy Vega Award (Worst GM): Kevin Malone, L.A. Granted, most of us media folk had the Dodgers penciled in for the NL West crown. That said, Malone's pickups have been, save for the overpaid Kevin Brown, terrible. Todd Hundley can't throw. Devon White doesn't care. Mel Rojas is the Paducah KFC Employee of the Month. Maybe, if Malone hadn't guaranteed a great season, things would ... aw, forget it.

The Season Tickets Revoked Award (Stupidest Move, Fans): Nomar Garciaparra over Derek Jeter, All-Star Game. OK, Jim Thome was understandable, just 'cause Cleveland does that type of thing. But Jeter? Jeter!? The first-half MVP has put up record-setting shortstop numbers. This one's insulting.

The Christopher Cross Award (Faded Star): Tony La Russa, St. Louis. His tactics, perfectly placed a decade ago, have dried up and blown away. Still could be a smart, heads-up skipper -- just not in St. Louis, where he has misused the talent while muttering darkly about high-placed enemies. Not good.

The Hensley "Bam-Bam" Muelens Award (Non-Rookie of the Year): J.D. Drew, St. Louis. Everyone's Rookie of the Year has either been hurt or struggling or playing for Triple-A Memphis. The kid's still got five tools and stardom in his future, just not in '99.

The LaToya Jackson Award (Back from the Dead): Jermaine Dye, K.C. The Royals did, in fact, receive something for Michael Tucker . It's taken Dye some time, but a .297 average, 11 homers and 48 RBIs say he's come of age. A should-be All-Star.

The Shooty Babitt Award (Name of Fame): Wynter Phoenix, Vero Beach Dodgers. Batting ... .358 for the Dodgers' Class A club, but ... so?

 

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