Ahh ... Costner. There is no escape. If Garry Templeton were in Murfreesboro, Tenn., to meet Joe Sambito and Ed Ott for a round of hopscotch, Costner would smell the coup from 2,000 miles away, jump on his jet and crash the party. Hey guys, wanna have a catch? He is to baseball what several of my relatives are to Charlotte Rae . Not stalkers, but awfully close. So there was good ol' Crash Davis Sunday afternoon, chillin' at Fenway Pahk, yuckin' it up with Dewey Evans and Steve Garvey and Jim Rice and Andre Dawson .

Somehow, over the years, a myth has developed that Costner is something of an athlete. Call it the magic of Hollywood, if you will. This guy will show up for anything baseball-related. He has been in roughly 2,876 charity baseball games, charity softball games, slo-pitch girls 14-and-under tournaments. Heck, just a few months back, when the Angels played Cal State Fullerton in an exhibition, Costner suited up for the Titans, his alma mater. Did he ever play college baseball? Well, no, but ... Waterworld, Waterworld, Waterworld, Waterworld.

In Sunday's celeb hitting contest, Costner taught the world a valuable lesson: Any schlub can bash celluloid dingers. His plate appearances were somewhat less convincing -- a cross between Milt May and Mae West . A liner here. A short pop there. Some grounders. As non-baseball players went, he was a distant third, behind Doug Flutie and Mark Harmon , ahead of Saving Nolan Ryan's Matt (Don't Call Me Johnny) Damon .

Of course, as required for any self-respecting flailing thespian, Costner insisted on talking about his newest project, a -- gasp! -- baseball flick entitled For Love of the Game . In it, he plays an aging Detroit pitcher who comes to Yankee Stadium and throws a no-hitter. To promote the thing, he will surely find it necessary to visit all 30 major league parks, buddy up to a backup utility infielder, dress in full uniform (multiple wristbands a must) and take BP. After all, All-Star weekends only last for so long.

Come back Tuesday and Wednesday for more All-Star columns from SI staff writer Jeff Pearlman, who also offers his unique view on baseball every week for CNNSI.com.

The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

 

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