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 Umps: Like fries with your whine?
Posted: Tuesday July 20, 1999 04:29 PM
Hello, and welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order? Yeah. I'll have two, no three Big Macs, a couple of large fries, one of those summer-sized vanilla shakes, a six-pack o' McNuggets and a couple of slices of that Snickers Bar Pie. And step on it! Excuse me? I said, STEP ON IT! No. I mean, excuse me, we don't have Snickers Bar Pie. Would you like a hot fudge sundae instead? Oh. Yeah. That's cool. Your total is $12.97. Pull around to the second window, please. Holy crap! Excuse me, sir? You're Richie Phillips ! Uhhm ... The umpires' union guy! Uhhm ... The one who got all those dudes to resign! Uhhm ... How'd that work out, anyway? Ketchup? Hell man, I thought y'all showed some real brass. You guys were bein' mistreated, big time. Baseball players stayin' in five-star hotels, you guys in ... what, Motel 8s? Right? Uhhm ... And money -- G'damn! Talk about Indo sweat shops. You was, what, on that job for 30 years? Just about. And what y'all makin'? Maybe 25 thou-? Ketchup? That don't even matter. It's all about respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, baby. Can you believe the way that Selig thug treated y'all? I mean, you guys ran the game. Made it flow. And he's on your case, day in, day out, sayin' others can do it better; sayin' someone should be makin' sure you do a good job. It's ... (A voice from the back) : Richie, dammit! This lettuce should've been shredded an hour ago!? Uhhm ... Look bro, I would've done the 'zact same thing. Ain't no price tag on pride. (A voice from the back) : Richie, NOW! And remember, it's your day to be Ronald! Say, what ever happened to your men? They sure looked up to you, didn't they? Loyalty, all about loyalty. Jim Evans walks by, carrying a Hefty bag full of old buns. Eric Gregg walks by, pushing a broom. Larry Vanover is on a ladder, changing the McDonald's sign from "99 CENT BIG MACS" to "JAR JAR SAYZ: McDEE BE-AH GOOD-AH, YAH" Dale Ford slides behind Phillips, filling a large Mr. Pibb. That'll be $12.97. Oh yeah -- right. Look Richie, good luck to ya. Good luck to you all. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Gotta roll -- late for work. Game's at 7. Staff writer Jeff Pearlman offers his unique view on baseball every Tuesday during the season for CNNSI.com. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.
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