| |
 Handing out the hardware
Posted: Tuesday September 21, 1999 05:13 PM
Baseball writers, spaceball writers, I say. Most of 'em don't know a Bryce Florie from a Jim Florio or Bob Abreu from Bob Dole . And the awards for which the writers are voting (MVP, Cy Young, Rolaids Relief) -- they're all politically swayed nothings thought up by those same Commie REBSCOBBs (Re-elect Bud Selig Committee on Baseball Betterment) who invented Girl 6 and nose hair. For the real season-ending truths, look no further. Drumroll, please ... A.L. MVP : Nomar Garciaparra , Red Sox. I've resisted this one since the All-Star break, when Steve Cannella , my well-intentioned-yet-Boston-bred peer, began marching through SI's cramped halls with "Nomah for Prez" signs. Steve, who's Nomah? He's Nomah Gahciahpahrah -- dah guy in dah pahk who hits dah ball fah. Truth is truth: Without Rafael Palmeiro , Texas is still good. Without Derek Jeter , the Yanks are still good. Without Nomar, Boston is Tampa Bay. N.L. MVP : Chipper Jones , Braves. My aunt can deny cellulite. My brother can deny hair loss. And you can't deny this: with every decent Atlanta player shelved ( Javy Lopez ) or crippled ( Brian Jordan ), Jones (.320, 41 HRs, 98 RBIs) has carried the Braves. A.L. Cy Young : Willie Blair , Tigers. With a little support, his 2-11 could easily be 4-9. His 7.02 ERA is a product of bad coaching. Blair is really good. Really. Real -- uhhh. OK ... Pedro Martinez , in a unanimously unanimous romp of unanimity. N.L. Cy Young : Randy Johnson , Diamondbacks. A skipped start cost him a shot at Nolan Ryan 's single-season K mark (383), but don't be fooled: Despite a 15-9 record, Johnson, who has allowed a .212 batting average against him, has dominated batters in a Pedro-esque manner (.210 average against). A.L. Rookie of the Year : Carlos Beltran , Royals. The first rookie to compile at least 100 RBIs and 100 runs since Fred Lynn 24 years ago. Out-of-nowhere pitchers ( Jeff Zimmerman , Jeff Weaver ) are often flukes. Beltran is Bernie Williams . N.L. Rookie of the Year : Preston Wilson , Marlins. In anonymity, has compiled a .292 batting average, hit 26 home runs, scored 63 runs and knocked in 68. A future star. A.L. Manager of the Year : Art Howe , A's; Jimy Williams , Red Sox (Tie). Yeah, yeah, ties are lame. Here are two managers with Triple-A benches, mediocre staffs and -- for much of the season -- closers named Doug Jones and Tim Wakefield . Both are players' managers, non-screamers who relate. Both have dazzled. N.L. Manager of the Year : Bobby Cox , Braves. Who hasn't been injured? His best job since '91. A.L. Executive of the Year : Billy Beane , A's. Used wads of gum, extra string, some masking tape and good ol' phlegm to piece together a $26 million contender. N.L. Executive of the Year : Kevin Malone , Dodgers. Because he was really, really funny. A.L. Biggest Bust : Frank Thomas , White Sox. .305? Fifteen homers? Seventy ribbies? All that and the fragility of a ledge stepper, too. N.L. Biggest Bust : Carlos Perez , Dodgers. A ton of bucks ($2.3 mill) for 2-10 and a 7.43 ERA. Jeff Torborg Award (Worst Manager -- A.L.) : Ray Miller , Orioles. "Ray Miller" rhymes with "Nay Thriller" which rhymes with "Hay Killer," which translates to "murderer of dead weeds." The Baltimore roster is 25 dead weeds. Miller's uninspired, laid-back approach has been the final coat of insecticide. Bud Harrelson Award (Worst Manager -- N.L.) : Jim Leyland , Rockies. Like Miller, spent the season in some sort of glossy fog of death. Couldn't handle Coors Field, can no longer handle the task. A.L. Comeback Player of the Year : John Jaha , A's. The A's invited him to spring training, paid $1 million and found a 100-RBIs DH. N.L. Comeback Player of the Year : Rickey Henderson , Mets. The league's best leadoff hitter is almost 41. Henderson (.326, 37 SBs, .441 OB%) looked to be dead carp last year, batting .236 in Oakland. Will play 'til he's 45. Goats of the Year: Richie Phillips , umpire union head. "I will not rest until this is resolved." It's been resolved. Bud Selig , commissioner. Sooooo ... when exactly is this hiring of minorities thing gonna begin? Malone: Predicted Yanks-Dodgers Series. Maybe he was thinking of Mahopac (N.Y.) Little League (Mahopac Yankees 12, Mahopac Dodgers 2). Darryl Strawberry , Yankees. You are an addict. You need to steady your life. Pick up checkers. Take an arts and crafts class. STOP RETURNING! Staff writer Jeff Pearlman offers his unique view on baseball every Tuesday during the season for CNNSI.com. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.
| |||||||||||||||||
Copyright © 1999 CNN/SI. A Time Warner Company. Terms under which this service is provided to you.
| |||||||||||||||||
