Who cares about the All-Star Game? Back in the day when all teams were
(financially) created equal, it was a challenge to pick from a myriad of
deserving candidates from varying parts of the country. Now? Why not just take
the Yankees, Red Sox and Mariners to assemble the AL squad? Same goes for the
Braves, D-Backs, Dodgers and Giants in the NL. Nobody would notice a
difference.
Point is, any idiot can assemble an All-Star team. But it takes a real man (uh,
me) to put together the official 2002 Major League Baseball All-Dud* team. And
what better location for this game could there be but
Milwaukee?
* In case you need a translation, a dud is someone who has severely
underperformed and should by no means ever be confused with a bum. A bum just
plain stinks.
Jeff Pearlman's All-Dud Team
American League
National League
Frank Thomas, White Sox (.239, 14 homers): The world could tolerate baseball's
biggest dog when he was hitting .350. But at -- egads! -- .239, it's high time
that Mr. Ornery got
his.
1B
Tino Martinez, Cardinals (.248, 10 homers): Didn't he play for
the Yankees in the '90s?
Bret Boone, Mariners (.229, 12 homers): Arrived last season all jacked up, then accomplished things no second baseman had ever done. Has fallen
back to earth this year with 12
homers.
2B
Roberto Alomar, Mets (.268, 30 RBIs): Apparently, Alvaro
Espinoza is running around Shea in an Alomar uniform.
Christian Guzman, Twins (.257, 4 homers): OK, so we knew he wasn't a .300
hitter. But how does the league's fastest man only have six
steals?
SS
D'Angelo Jiminez, Padres (.240, 3 homers): Bad bat, bad glove,
bad attitude. But he means
well.
Jeff Cirillo, Mariners (.246, 6 homers, 39 RBIs): Career .311 hitter now wakes up in a
cold sweat, screaming "Where's Walker!? Where's Helton!? Where's the thin
air!?"
3B
Sean Burroughs, Padres (.221, 1 homer): Not his fault, but
injuries and the rookie yips have killed the
buzz.
Benji Molina, Angels (.259, 1 homer): He's not the worst backstop around ... but
one
homer?
C
Javy Lopez, Braves (.247, 6 homers): Creeeeeeek. The sound of
aging
wood.
Kenny Lofton, White Sox (.253, 4 homers): Moody and irritable in Cleveland,
moody and irritable in Chicago. But now he's hitting just .253; Jermaine
Dye, A's (.241, 6 homers, 33 RBIs): Everything was dandy with Jason Giambi around. But as his
six homers show, Dye is just a complementary guy; Jose Cruz, Jr., Blue
Jays (.227, 13 homers): His .227 average is the very definition of mediocre.
OF
Moises Alou, Cubs (.252, 8 homers, 27 RBIs): We all know he's
more than this. Just hasn't
happened. Preston Wilson, Marlins (.240, 14 homers, 41 RBIs): Thinks he's much
better than he is. Maybe it's the dusty air he's been breathing in during his league-high 88 strikeouts.
Roger Cedeno, Mets (.247, 3 homers, 12 stolen bases): Reminds New York fans of Todd Hundley's
heyday ... in the
outfield.
Greg Vaughn, Tampa Bay (.163, 8 homers, 29 RBIs): Once upon a time, Vaughn was
one of the game's most feared sluggers. Once upon a time, bread was a nickel a
loaf.
DH
To cut costs on travel and other accommodations, the entire staff of the Texas
Rangers (5.10 ERA) will attend. Please help Chan Ho Park with his excess
baggage.
Pitchers
To cut costs on travel and other accommodations, the entire staff of the Mobile
(Ala.) Bay Bears, the San Diego Padres' Class AA affiliate, will attend.
Besides, they'll all be in the majors by
August.
Jerry Hairston, Jr. , Orioles (.234, 14 RBIs): His .292 on-base percentage
reminds people of his father ... with a broken
leg.
David Ortiz, Twins (.240, 5 homers, 33 RBIs): Only relation to Junior
Ortiz:
Production.
Mike Bordick, Orioles (.238, 3 homers): Once one of the most underrated
players in the game, now simply
slow.
Raul Mondesi, Yankees (.224, 15 homers): Good job, George! For a couple
of million, Raul will gladly jog half-speed and show up
late.
Doug Mientkiewicz, Twins (.255, 3 homers): A shadow of last year's
breakout showing.
Chuck Knoblauch, Royals (.170, 1 homer): Raise a hand if you thought this
pickup was a good idea for K.C. I've got four tickets to the Birmingham
Stallions-Tampa Bay Bandits game to sell
you.
Milton Bradley , Indians (.233, 4 Homers, 15 RBIs): Cleveland's center
fielder of the future definitely has a future ... in
Buffalo.
Reserves
Tsuyoshi Shinjo, Giants (.242, 8 homers): How do you say 'Can't hit a
lick' in
Japanese?
Ronnie Belliard, Brewers (.236, 12 RBIs): Believe it or not: Milwaukee
traded Fernando Vina (.278, 34 RBIs) to make room for this
guy.
Bill Mueller, Cubs (.246, 2 homers): Only has 187 at-bats, but the answer
at third has produced only more questions. No. 1: Where's Kevin Orie when
we need
him?
Adrian Beltre, Dodgers (.238, 7 homers): Seems doomed to be the
"potential superstar" with more potential than
star.
Rey Ordonez, Mets (.238, 1 homer): We know he'll never hit. But what
happened to the
D?
Reggie Sanders, Giants (.253, 10 homers): A great, great guy miscast as a
slugger.
Craig Biggio, Astros (.252, 7 homers): Alas, it seems his better years are long behind him.
Mo Vaughn, Mets (.248, 10 homers): Presence only counts if you
produce.
Sports Illustrated senior writer Jeff Pearlman covers the baseball beat for
the magazine and is a regular contributor to
CNNSI.com
