Negotiate this

Baseball has lots of other problems that need fixing, too

Revenue sharing is hard. The luxury tax ... it has to be a monster. Steroids? I don't even want to know how they'll get this steroids thing straightened out.

Baseball faces a lot of very complicated, very adult issues in these next few weeks. Rooms full of economists, lawyers and negotiators will spend a lot of hours trying to unravel them.

But, you know, the problems with baseball don't end there. The game itself is a mess. Kids yawn at it. Older fans moan for the good old days.

Here's a list of 25 other baseball problems that need addressing. Fix these and everyone will be a lot happier.

The hot dog. At Turner Field in Atlanta this summer, a Jumbo Georgia Dog, if you have the stomach for it, goes for a whopping $6.50. It's big, sure. Meaty. But it's still just a hot dog.

Average players who act like superstars. As a general rule, nobody with an ERA over 4.00 or a batting average under .270 should have any attitude other than "Wow, am I one lucky stiff or what? Got anything you want me to sign?"

The beer. Not to pick on Atlanta, but ... it's about $7 for a 24-ounce cold one at The Ted. Of course, it's nowhere near cold by the time you reach the dregs.

"I don't heaaar you." The saddest sight in baseball. Kids screaming at their heroes from 15 feet away, players suddenly going deaf. We know, batting practice is work time for major leaguers. But would a smile or a wave kill these guys? I'm telling you, fans are lost every day this way.

The box seat. OK, ticket prices are out of hand, too. You know this. I know this. You wonder whether baseball people have the faintest idea.

Bud Selig. This is a big problem that no one will bring up in negotiations. So we'll do this slowly. The ... man ... was ... once ... an ... owner. How can he be impartial? How?

Chewing tobacco. Diz-gusting. I know guys who do this indoors, too, spitting their brown, slimy stuff into a bottle or a cup. I swear, if I ever reach for my Coke and pick up the wrong cup I am going to be soooo hacked off.

Don Fehr. Another problem that won't be addressed. He's Darth Vader in a tie. Don't mess with him.

Contraction. The concept itself is reprehensible, but we're talking about the word. Contraction. How sleazy. How lawyer-ly. How dishonest. Heck, downsizing would be more honest.

Owners demanding publicly financed stadiums. Lemme get this straight: You want to use our tax money to pay for your stadium, then you want us to buy your $35 box seat, pay $10 for parking and wash down that $6.50 dog with a $7 beer, too?

Fans. Man, can we be stupid.

Mound meetings. Not all of them. Just the ones where 1) The manager stalls as his guy in the bullpen gets warmed up, and then 2) The umpire has to approach the mound to get things going, and then 3) Everybody scurries away like a bunch of roaches at dawn. In some circles, this is known as "strategy." It's really just a waste of time.

Interminable games. My inbox will be free of spam before anyone shortens the game by any noticeable length.

Warnings for throwing inside. Look, if these guys want to chuck hardballs at each other, let them. Everyone will get the idea. And it might spice things up.

The trading deadline. There's something inherently flawed about the idea of changing the makeup of a team in the middle of a season. It's like a mulligan for anyone who can afford one.

Night games in the postseason. They start too late, they go too long. Kids can't stay up. Old fogies can't stay awake.

Gloves the size of a carry-on. Have you seen those things they wear in the outfield? You could catch a freaking volleyball with them. Best part: When guys have to look to see if the ball's actually there.

Climbing the fence. I'd say that 95 percent of the time it's done for show. The guy has no shot at the ball -- even with that mitt -- but he feels the need to prove he can get up, just barely, over an 8-foot wall to chase a home run. Congratulations. You can jump to 9 feet. That's why you didn't make it in the NBA.

Cup adjusting. My wife's making me put this one in.

Strikeouts. They're no big deal anymore. We could have a new individual record (Milwaukee's Jose Hernandez ) and, if the Yankees have a bad week or two, a new team record set this season. We watch baseball to see feats we can't do. Whiff, we can do.

In-stadium games. This includes the animated subway train and car races, the find-the-baseball-under-the-hats trick on the scoreboard and, yes, the real live sausage races. You know, those glorified dog derbies in Milwaukee are way more popular than the Brewers. Kinda sad.

Uniform changes. Listen up, pal. You gotta market to the kids, you know. Black tops (like that makes the Royals fearsome), sleeveless jerseys. New hats. A new logo. And next year, we do it all again. It's marketing, kid. Bee-yoo-tiful.

Coors Field. Nice stadium. Nice city. They don't go together. It's a joke of a place to play baseball. The Rockies will never be able to win there.

Short porches. I swear I could poke one out to left at Enron -- whoops -- Minute Maid Field. And if I could swing lefty, I'd go long at Yankee Stadium, too. Really, 314 feet. It's a pitching wedge.

Defensive indifference. I am solidly against indifference of any kind. Yeah, whatever.

John Donovan is a senior writer for CNNSI.com. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

Have some other baseball problems that need fixing? To e-mail Donovan, click here.

 

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