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Checking on the mail Posted: Monday July 14, 2003 4:30 PM
Sports Illustrated senior writer John Garrity was a 42-year-old 8-handicapper when he suddenly lost his swing. Since December 1989 he has been looking for it -- a modern-day Odysseus adrift on the troubled waters of swing theory. As Garrity travels the world reporting on golf, he visits as many driving ranges as he can, avoiding the dreaded "mats only" ranges that prevent him from teeing it up. Sunday, July 13 LONDON -- For the first time in memory, the Mats Only mailbag doesn't contain a letter that begins, "I feel your pain." I haven't reported any meltdowns lately or described shots that end either with the tinkling of glass or the shouting of profanity. More likely, it's just a reflection of the fact that I haven't played any actual rounds in a while. That is about to change. I am lugging my clubs around England and Ireland the next two weeks -- with a small detour to Sandwich to report on something for my employer -- and I plan to play at least five times. In the meantime, the mailbag needs airing. "My industrial-designer wife will one day invent and patent a device of great usefullness," writes Richard Godfrey of New York, looking wistfully out the window of his Manhattan brokerage. "This device will fulfill such an urgent, recognized need in the world that we'll retire with the royalties to buy and operate a driving range/restaurant/bar somewhere warm and peaceful." Godfrey's project -- let's call it the Manhattan Project -- calls for a crash program to develop a decent driving-range tee. "Golfers know that driver shots struck from those nasty, wobbly, rubber tee inserts don't fly right. And we've all seen the improvisation that takes place at the range to insert a regular tee that supports the ball. Do you know of any commercially available device that allows you to do that?" Commercially available? No. Research programs of this scale can only be tackled by the federal government, usually under the auspices of the Defense Department. Some ranges have a tee adapter that lets you insert a wooden tee inside the rubber tube, and I have hit off mats that have little holes that allow for the insertion of a real tee. In my experience, though, the tee splinters with the first blow. So, unless another reader can enlighten us about a recent breakthrough in small-peg technology, the way is clear for our man Godfrey to make his fortune. Another "big idea" e-mail comes from Juan Cervantes of Coon Rapids, Minn., who is pitching a kind of team golf. "A team would consist of three players," he writes. "The designated wood player can only hit wood shots. The designated iron player can only hit irons. The designated putter can only putt. No changes of designation are allowed during the match, and it's up to the team to decide what club to use for each shot." Anticipating my question -- Why play a round of golf in which you might only get to hit the ball 15 or 16 times? -- Cervantes replies, "We all know golfers who are good drivers but can't putt, or good with their irons but can't hit their woods. I'm sure there are many kinks that have to be worked out, but I think it would be a fun event." I actually like this idea. It would be interesting to see what kind of score a trio of 20-handicappers could post if each player got to focus on his strength and duck his weaknesses. I, for example, could volunteer to hit my specialty -- the shot immediately after a drop. Fred Smith of Las Vegas wants to follow up on my mini-review of The Italian Job. "I have not seen that film yet," he writes, "but I am curious about your critique of some other driving-range scenes. The Sweetest Thing has a scene with two golfers taking potshots at the ball picker. (Classic line from the range employee: "I am not an animal!") There's Something About Mary has Cameron Diaz flailing away. (Forget the swing. How about that address position?) And, of course, there's Tin Cup -- hardpan tee ground, oil-drum targets, armadillos and, best of all, the lovely stance of Rene Russo. How did these filmmakers do, in your expert opinion?" Well, my expert opinion is that any driving-range scene enhances a movie, even if the director doesn't know a wedge from a wicket. (The Godfather probably would have been a hit if Al Pacino had done his whacking at the Randall's Island Golf Range.) My favorite range scene is still the opener from an old Law & Order episode in which a man is murdered while hitting balls on the upper deck at Manhattan's Chelsea Piers range. What makes it great is that detective Lennie Briscoe, investigating the crime scene, picks up a club and smacks a couple, just to check his swing. That, my friends, is verisimilitude. A few correspondents applaud my disinterest in putting aids. "The benefits of neglect are often overlooked," writes Don Blinebry of Brookfield, Conn. "Now, if you will excuse me, I've been neglecting my scotch for the last 12 years." Dick Kendrick, a golf writer from Overland Park, Kan., adds, "The one golf gadget I have used that actually worked was a metal contraption that fit into the hole on a putter grip. It prevented your wrists from breaking down and forced you to putt with your arms and shoulders, not your hands. Come to think of it, I need to go look for that thing in my basement." Finally, an e-mail from Laura-Ann Quinones of Long Valley, N.J., who suggests that I devote a column to driving-range etiquette. "First, although I am very new to golf, I am sure that yelling 'In the hole!' every time you hit the ball is not appropriate. Second, I am almost 100 percent sure that walking up to a female wannabe golfer and saying 'Are you an LPGA player?' is not a good pickup line." Ms. Quinones is right. A more effective pickup line is, "Would you like to be an LPGA player?" She adds, "I can give you some horror stories from the range, and I have only been playing for a few weeks." Laura-Ann raises an interesting issue. Is the driving range a male-chauvinist preserve? Are women golfers harassed between the miniature-golf course and the tee line? Can true romance blossom when oafs are yelling "Fore!" from passing cars? Please address your range etiquette questions to "Dear Range Rat" in care of this column. Watch this space for another installment of Mats Only. To send John Garrity advice, share your experiences, or suggest a driving range, click here.
The Associated Press contributed to this report. |
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