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Coming attractions New films appearing soon at an arena near youPosted: Wednesday January 22, 2003 1:14 PMUpdated: Wednesday January 22, 2003 6:15 PM
All athletes seemingly want to be rock and roll or movie stars, while all movie stars want to be athletes. In the late 1980s, Los Angeles Kings games became the hot celebrity event to attend, as everyone wanted to check out Wayne Gretzky. Many celebrities are active players, with Jerry Bruckheimer, Cuba Gooding Jr., Denis Leary, Jason Priestley and Tim Robbins among the ice-loving famous names in Tinseltown. While looking at the box office take for this past weekend, I realized there are some stunning -- and many not-so-stunning -- parallels between the top 15 grossing movies and some ongoing storylines in the NHL. 1. Kangaroo Jack Hollywood version: Latest inane movie from Jerry O'Connell features a crazy kangaroo making off with his money. NHL version: Blues rookie Barret Jackman hops into Chris Pronger's spot in the lineup and makes off with the Calder Trophy. 2. National Security Hollywood version: Two mismatched security guards (Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn) are thrown together to bust a smuggling operation. NHL version: Tearjerking biopic about how impending labor strife and the continually plunging Canadian dollar threaten to have more Canadian-based NHL teams smuggled south of the border. 3. Just Married Hollywood version: Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy endure wacky hijinks on their European honeymoon. NHL version: Bob Hartley and Ilya Kovalchuk endure wacky hijinks while debating the pros and cons of backchecking. 4. Catch Me If You Can Hollywood version: Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks star in this Steven Spielberg-directed film about a wily con man who eludes an FBI agent. NHL version: Mario Lemieux wins the Art Ross Trophy by putting up big numbers early and then sitting out 20 games down the stretch. 5. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Hollywood version: The second silver screen installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's epic fantasy trilogy is a likely nominee for the Best Picture category at the Oscars. NHL version: An epic tale of Patrick Roy's magnificent 18-year career and his quest for a fifth Stanley Cup ring. 6. Chicago Hollywood version: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renée Zellweger and Richard Gere star in this Oscar-buzz-generating musical set in the Windy City in the roaring '20s, just before the Great Depression. NHL version: Cheapskate owner Bill Wirtz and shoestring budget-running GM Mike Smith cause great depression in the Windy City by not wanting to spend more than three bucks. 7. A Guy Thing Hollywood version: Jason Lee cheats on fiancee Selma Blair with Julia Stiles and wonders whether he should go through with the wedding. NHL version: Buffalo rich guy Mark Hamister makes a bid for his hometown hockey team, then wonders whether he should go through with it when he realizes it's probably not the best investment. 8. About Schmidt Hollywood version: Jack Nicholson plays your run-of-the-mill actuary who turns his life upside down after retiring. NHL version: With no active NHL players named Schmidt, we'll use creative license and say it's the story of run-of-the-mill defenseman Richard Smehlik and how he adjusts to live after moving from Buffalo to Atlanta. 9. The Hours Hollywood version: Nicole Kidman is featured in this depressing tale of the day author Virginia Woolf commits suicide. NHL version: An uplifting story about how hockey fans can find an extra hobby now because they have so much extra time on their hands due to the hurry-up faceoff rule. 10. Two Weeks Notice Hollywood version: Sandra Bullock plays a lawyer who can't stand overbearing boss Hugh Grant and quits. NHL version: Hurricanes coach Paul Maurice keeps looking at his watch wondering how much longer he'll be employed. 11. Gangs of New York Hollywood version: Leonardo DiCaprio and Daniel Day-Lewis headline an All-Star cast starring in Martin Scorsese's over-budget masterpiece about New York City street thugs in the mid-19th Century. NHL version: Having gone well over budget in an effort to create a Cup masterpiece, Glen Sather loads up his roster with thugs like Gordie Dwyer, Sandy McCarthy, Krzysztof Oliwa and Billy Tibbetts. 12. Maid in Manhattan Hollywood version: Jennifer Lopez plays a hotel maid whom politician Ralph Fiennes falls for after mistaking her for a wealthy woman. NHL version: The New York Rangers, distraught by missing the playoffs yet again, fire equipment manager Acacio Marques and bring in $25 million gal J-Lo to keep order on the stick rack. 13. Antwone Fisher Hollywood version: Emotionally traumatized as a youth, Fisher has many violent outbursts once in the Navy before crossing paths with a naval psychiatrist who tries to help him. NHL version: Financially traumatized by his bankrupt team, young two-way center Mike Fisher violently forechecks, backchecks and does the little things right while helping Ottawa become the best team in the NHL. 14. 25th Hour Hollywood version: Edward Norton is the lead in this Spike Lee movie about a drug dealer's last day of freedom before going to prison for seven years. NHL version: Pierre Lacroix swindles yet another general manager at the NHL trading deadline by adding a needed piece to the Avs' lineup. 15. My Big Fat Greek Wedding Hollywood version: John Corbett and Nia Vardalos embark on wedding-planning mayhem with the fun provided by a large Greek clan. NHL version: Chris and Tracee Chelios pull out the home movies from their nuptials to show to children Dean, Jake, Kaley and Tara. These new hockey-based movies may not be Academy Award-worthy, but in the era of reality TV and straight-to-video releases, there has to be a place for it somewhere. Considering the quality of scripts Jerry O'Connell must receive on a regular basis, surely he'd be available to play one of the roles. Jon A. Dolezar covers the NHL for CNNSI.com. Got a comment, question or scoop for Jon? Click here. |
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