They need to see the Wizard
Posted: Monday June 02, 2003 11:25 AM
PARIS -- While discussing what currently ails men's tennis, an Australian journalist friend of mine remarked that three of the most talented players on tour could star in The Wizard of Oz -- that is, Roger Federer lacks courage, Marat Safin needs a brain and Tommy Haas, like the Tin Man, needs oil.
Herewith, an ode to the threesome (sung to the tune of If I Only Had a Brain):
(Federer)
If you want to win a wager,
Bet against me in a major,
I can barely hold my serve.
I play exquisitely in patches,
But choke in big-time matches,
Because I have no nerve.
Too bad I'm not more gallant,
I have sick amounts of talent,
Plus, I play with verve.
But there's love and not much kissing
When I'm doing my Swiss missing,
If I only had some nerve.
A potentially big payday
Is met with cries of "Roger? Mayday!"
My results form a sine curve.
My vast unmet potential
Owes to factors existential,
If I only had some nerve
(Safin)
When I'm losing, say, to Hewitt
My inner voice says, "Screw it,"
And I start to go insane.
Ill-equipped to hack it,
I smack and crack my racket.
If I only had a brain.
My foe hits a lucky let cord
And, just like that, I get real bored,
Concentrating is such a pain.
But I forget my double faults
With rounds of single malts,
Which does wonders for my brain.
With a disconnected plug and socket
I'm wired like a Russian rocket,
Though I came of age in Spain.
Attention: Sergo Tacchini,
My career might soon be Sa-finis
If I cannot improve my brain.
(Haas)
My tennis can be symphonic,
Cool and refreshing like a (Teu)tonic,
Mixed with equal parts of gin.
But in Rome, Nice or Miami,
I am apt to pull a hammy --
You see, I'm made of tin.
My game has yet to smolder
Because of my back and hip and shoulder,
That's why I seldom win.
Lying on the training table
"Injury prone" is my sad label,
Because I'm made of tin
Rehabbing in Colorado,
They ask if the Haas avocado
Was my equally soft kin.
I would be both wealthier and wiser
Such a healthier young kaiser,
If I weren't made of tin.
Sports Illustrated senior writer Jon Wertheim is in Paris covering the French Open for the magazine and will file regular reports from Roland Garros. Click here to send a question or comment to his Tennis Mailbag.
|
