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Answer central
Want to know how the AFC will shake out?
Posted: Wednesday December 18, 2002 1:05 PM
If you want in-depth, deeply learned pigskin prognostication, you'll have to turn to one of my fine colleagues on the NFL beat. They can tell you how, by stunting a tight end or, say, blitzing on second down or setting up fake screens, an NFL team will conquer its opponent. I'm simply here as a conduit, to enlighten you as to what MIGHT happen in the NFL this weekend, to inform you of the magnificent playoff possibilities that lurk. And to help you sort out exactly what outcomes your favorite team should be rooting for.
Let's forget the boring National Football Conference, where the division champs are all but determined and the wild-card winners established, unless the Giants can angle in past the Saints or Falcons.
I just polished off some of the most provocative reading material this side of Kathryn Harrison: The AFC playoff scenarios.
Nothing is set in this conference except the Bengals' and Texans' January tee times. Every other AFC teams' players have to stare at the score ticker until they go blind, then scratch their helmets and try to figure out what those scores mean. Word is that the Titans and Colts have hired mathematicians to work the sidelines. Now, I'm no Pierre de Fermat, but I did get an A in college calc. Here's my take ...
First of all, each team wants to win. This will help its record. And then:
The Dolphins want the Patriots, Colts, Broncos and Chargers to lose. And then they want Dan Marino to come out of retirement.
The Steelers want the Browns-Ravens game to end in a tie. They're flying Bud Selig to Baltimore to officiate.
The Raiders haven't even clinched a playoff berth yet, but in this parody of parity they can secure a first-round bye this weekend. They want the Chargers, Dolphins, Steelers, Patriots, Titans and Colts to lose. They want the football gods to determine that they own a "strength-of-victory" tiebreaker over the Titans. I'm pretty sure they need to be in the top three of the BCS, too.
The Titans haven't even clinched a playoff berth yet, but in this parody of parity they can secure home-field advantage throughout the conference playoffs this weekend. They want the Colts, Dolphins, Patriots, Steelers, Raiders and Broncos to lose. And they want the football gods to determine that strength-of-victory tiebreaker thing in their favor. And they want us to remember them.
The Colts want the Patriots and the Broncos to lose. They might want the Ravens to lose. They might want the Chargers to lose. Depending on the outcomes those games, they'll either be rooting for or against the Dolphins. One problem: Miami plays in Minnesota on Saturday, the day before the rest of the conference. Indianapolis is so confused. The Colts can't even hire Jeff Gilooly to bail them out.
No other teams can guarantee themselves a playoff berth this weekend, but they can keep themselves in the postseason swirl by winning. Here's the scoop:
The Jets' defense wants the Jets' defense to win the game against the Patriots. The Jets' offense wants the Jets' offense to win the game against the Patriots
The Patriots want to forget the Titans.
The Chiefs want E.T. to touch Priest Holmes' hip.
The Chargers, who play the Chiefs, want Priest to stay home.
After practicing all week in Buffalo, the Bills are going to play in Green Bay. They all want hot chocolate when they come in after the game.
The Broncos visit the Raiders for a rematch, and they've asked Rich Gannon to leave them alone and stop being such a meanie.
The Browns play the Ravens. Each team needs a combination of 62 different things to happen during the next two weeks for them to make the playoffs. But both clubs have already sent out playoff ticket invoices to their season-ticket holders. Guess they'll do anything to drum up interest.
And, lastly, the Jaguars are 6-8, which in this year's AFC means they are not dead yet. They just hope Tom Coughlin can find their pulse ...
That's all, folks. Hope things are clearer now. Tune in next week when we break down the NFL's 12-step tie-breaking program, in which, and this is honest-to-goodness true, the league has provisions to decide a three-team tie with a coin flip.
Sports Illustrated senior writer Kostya Kennedy takes sides every Wednesday
at CNNSI.com.
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