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Kournikova virus is a scary thing
Updated: Wednesday February 14, 2001 11:51 AM
I'm a little worried about this Anna Kournikova virus. It sounds a lot to me like that rock-n-roll pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu. Dire stuff. I know it is supposed to be a computer thing -- download a picture of the lovely Anna in a tennis dress and your Mac powerbook suddenly starts speaking in Mandarin Chinese or something -- but I think it goes beyond computers. I think it's a deep-seeded disease, attacking men from the ages, of, oh, one to 100. This computer thing is just another manifestation of a much larger problem. Think about it. Would, say, the Paul Tagliabue virus be such a big worry? The Tony Siragusa virus? The Shaquille O'Neal virus? The Billie Jean King virus? The Vinny Pazienza virus? This young Russian woman seems to emit the same kind of siren song that made ships disappear on distant horizons, the same kind of heat that ruined empires. Look at the trouble Sports Illustrated itself found simply by putting her on its cover a year ago. Frightening.
I say we react quickly to the situation. I say we organize marathon walks to fight this Anna Kournikova virus. Celebrity golf tournaments. Telethons. I say we get our greatest minds focused on a cure, starting on the premise that cold showers and good exercise might work. Let's see how laboratory rats react to a steady diet of Anna hitting backhands and half-volleys at anonymous foes. With your help and mine, we can beat this thing. The Anna Kournikova virus can be eradicated in our lifetimes. Sports Illustrated senior writer Leigh Montville appears regularly on CNN/Sports Illustrated. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.
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