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The BCS Formula: Bad Will Hunting
Posted: Tuesday November 23, 1999 06:17 PM
n: Rank by David Rothman's computer, though Rothman, a rocket statistician, hasn't gone to a football game since the 1963 Rose Bowl. D: Rank by the Dunkel computer, which has Nebraska in first place, but only because Knute Rockne died. S: Rank by the Anderson & Hester/Seattle Times computer, which doesn't take into account scores of games. According to the Times the iceberg would be ranked No. 1, with Titanic a close second. R: Number of times Amos Alonzo Stagg just rolled over in his grave. $: Sale price of a four-cylinder 2000 Suzuki Heisman. ¿: IQ of Kansas defensive end Dion Rayford, who tried to crawl through the drive-through window of a Taco Bell last week because he was angry at an employee who failed to give him his chalupa.
mc2: Rank by the Kenneth Massey computer. Massey just happens to be a grad student in the Virginia Tech math department and just happens to rank the Hokies second and just happens to be taking a course called ISE 5405: Optimization (A+, Ken). .95: Special 95% Peter Warrick discount. T: Twinkie factor, computed by multiplying Virginia Tech's margin of victory over éclairs James Madison, Rutgers and Temple by the number of people who are impressed.
cor: Number of Vols who think they drive a Toyota Corollary.
cos: Number of Vols who had boosters cosign on their Toyota Corollaries. v: Rank in the AP poll, whose 70 college football writers might know a little more about the game than a math grad student yet count for less than 0.18% each toward the BCS rankings, 17 times less than the grad student. Ø: Times easily duped Arizona State running back J.R. Redmond has had marriages annulled.
A: Rank in USA Today/ESPN poll, whose 59 college coaches damn sure know more about football than a math grad student yet count for less than 0.22% each, 14 times less than the grad student.
ß: Number of cornerbacks peeled weekly out of Wisconsin !: Bowl Championship Series? What series? There's no series. It's one game! A series is exactly what we need! On Dec. 11 we could be snuggling up to our Sonys for the start of a real championship series. Four games that day, two the next Saturday; then, on New Year's Day, the first real college football title game. Instead we get a lot of basement-living computer geeks, who haven't had a date since their aunt's fruitcake, deciding the fate of 250-pound linebackers. Sigh. Z: Short for zzzzz, which we're all going to be bagging if the title game is Florida State-Virginia Tech, a matchup that will be as one-sided as a Cuban mayoral race. Seriously, if we don't get a playoff soon, I'm telling Dion you jacked his chalupa.
Issue date: November 29, 1999
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: Fudge factor in the formula that allows Alabama (rated eighth
: Number of teeth in Virginia Tech home crowd divided by number of
shoes. (Usually equals
1.)
: Lovey-dovey quotient given to SEC member Tennessee, which is ranked
seventh by the coaches and sixth by the writers but fourth by the BCS, whose
rankings just happen to be calculated at SEC headquarters.
: Average weight of your school's Delta Gamma
sisters.
: Rank of pie in food ratings by unmarried stat freak Richard Billingsley,
who runs one of the BCS computer rankings and also informally rates his favorite
foods.
: Number of points Florida State would score against Virginia Tech in the
national title game at the Sugar
Bowl.
: Military rank of Texas quarterback Major
Applewhite.
