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Jaws IV: Snack Time in Sydney
Posted: Tuesday March 28, 2000 05:54 PM
a) sleep with the Iraqi discus team? b) Greco-Roman wrestle Tonya Harding? c) swim in shark-infested waters? If you're figuring on being a triathlete at the Sydney Olympics this summer, you'd better pick c, because it looks as if there are going to be more sharks around Sydney Harbor than at the Greater Los Angeles Divorce Lawyers convention. In the last six weeks there were at least nine shark-related incidents in and near Sydney Harbor, the site of the swimming segment of the triathlon. Three sharks were caught just outside the harbor in two days -- one bull, one silky and one 17-foot great hammerhead, which is the kind of shark that flosses triathletes from between its teeth. Off the harbor beach of Athol, a 61-year-old guy was taking a dip when a shark nibbled on his knee and left a wound that needed stitches. At two nearby ocean beaches swimmers made like hell for land when sharks were sighted, and at a third beach a shark tossed two boys off a Boogie Board. An eight-foot shark attacked a boat full of high school rowers on the Parramatta River, which Sydney Harbor feeds into. That's freshwater, people! My god, what's to keep them out of your swimming pool? Good thing the Olympics aren't being held on the West Coast of South Australia, where last month an Aussie surfer had to repeatedly jam his fingers into the eyes of an 11-foot bronze shark before it would let go of his buddy. How's a triathlete supposed to practice something like that? Reporter: So, Lars, how are you preparing for Sydney? Lars: Well, mostly I'm watching a lot of Three Stooges movies. Lifeguards on the beaches around Sydney are warning people not to swim near seals, as sharks enjoy seals for between-meal snacks. Unfortunately, the swimmers in the Olympic triathlon will wear wet suits, probably black, which means they'll look exactly like ... seals! Plus, ever since Sydney started cleaning up the harbor water for the Olympics, more sharks have been coming around. Let's see: clear view, easy access, seal disguises. To a shark the Sydney Olympic triathlon will be ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SUSHI NIGHT. True, Sydney officials say the chance of an attack during the Olympics is "virtually nil" because shark attacks rarely occur there in September. That's fine, but what about the World Cup triathlon there on April 16? Well, officials say they're planning to have lots of motor boats flanking the athletes during their 1,500-meter swim. That's good, because what's safer than swimming in close proximity to spinning propellers? Not only that, the Olympic race will start at a small pier near the Sydney Opera House with the 50 swimmers standing shoulder-to- shoulder, all diving in at once. "It'll be full contact," says U.S. hopeful Nick Radkewich. "Anything goes: kicking, punching, guys pulling you down, guys swimming over you, anything." Lord, what will the rest of the race be like? O.K., after the swim you'll bike through the unfed lion cages at the Sydney zoo, continue up Ayers Rock and finish in the back room of Crazy Lu's Dyspeptic Tarantula Emporium. That's where you'll begin your run, though you'll want to be on the lookout for fans dropping refrigerators from the overpasses. If there's one American athlete who's Most Likely to Be Eaten by a Shark, it has to be Karen Smyers, a two-time women's world champion and the most luckless athlete in the U.S. In the last three years Smyers has 1) been hit by a semi, suffering six broken ribs and a bruised lung; 2) broken her collarbone in a bike accident; 3) had her hamstring sliced by glass from a shattered storm window; and 4) had surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid. "No, no, no!" she wails. "My luck has to change! My husband and I are buying lotto tickets every day just to see when." O.K., if it's not Smyers, it'll be Radkewich, who during one race had one arm paralyzed by a jellyfish sting (and finished), in another got stung by a wasp on his family jewels (and finished) and during a third ran over a crane on his bike (the bird was finished). "Sharks?" he says. "Man, I don't even want to think about it." Look at it this way, Nick: If you're chased by a killer shark, think what it'll do for your split time. It's not too late for Sydney officials to do the right thing on the sharks. In fact, it's high time for Sydney to take the one step that will make this first Olympic triathlon the best ever. Make sure John Tesh is entered.
Issue date: April 3, 2000
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