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Going for the Jugular
Posted: Tuesday May 23, 2000 05:54 PM
To recap, if Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight goes postal one more time with anyone -- a player, a fan, yes, even a sportswriter, he's fired, see ya, thanks for stopping by the booth. Knight being civil to a sportswriter is like a Doberman being civil to a pork chop. So, to test Knight's self-control, we've carefully placed him in this 20-foot-by-20-foot plexiglass booth with the door bolted and locked. In the booth are various items -- an aerodynamic chair; a potted rhododendron; a dozen priceless Ming vases; a small, yapping poodle; and Officer Jose D. Silva of the San Juan Police Department. We're going to see how long Knight can remain civil to a member of the press before he pops a vein in his forehead, goes triple O.J., or requires a tranquilizer dart from the Mutual of Omaha safari team standing by. Right now Knight looks pretty stable, despite having lost his third straight game to Illinois just minutes ago, 101-61. The questions will come from the Terre Haute Banner's backup sidebar writer, 19-year-old Tiffany Jo Flowers. Tiffany is wearing a Kevlar pantsuit, welder's goggles and cleated track shoes. Tiffany, good luck! O.K., thanks. Uh, Coach Knight, can you explain why you didn't, like, press in the third quarter? Illinois's best ball handler was out with four fouls. Coach Knight isn't responding. He's staring straight ahead. He's not even looking at Tiffany. Very good strategy by the wily coach. Ohh-kay. Let's see here. Now, when you were about to grab the ref with both hands around the neck just before halftime, were you, like, mad, or were you just doing your repositioning thing? Uh-oh. Knight is now staring straight at Tiffany. He's not blinking. He's getting red there at the top of the ears. For her part, Tiffany looks very strong, indeed. No knock in her knees yet. Yeah, what ... ever. Coach Knight, you once said about writers, and I quote, "Most of us learn to write in the second or third grade and then go on to other things." Were you talking about Mark Twain, Pearl Buck or William Shakespeare? Oooh, a pretty good shot from young Tiffany, and Knight looks hot. His eyebrows are fusing, and the furious tapping of his right foot is making the vases tremble. Tiffany, you better take a step back. No, no, I'm fine, thanks. Coach Knight, when, exactly, did it hit you that the game had passed you by, 1994 or 1995? That one rocked the General! He just squeezed the armrest so hard it broke in half! And he's up! He's pacing around the booth! He's rubbing the back of his neck! He's biting his knuckles! Keep going, right? Keep going, Tiffany. Coach Knight, you have often spoken of the need for people to be more disciplined. Were you talking about power forwards or 64-year-old athletic department secretaries? Uh-oh. Knight has a vase by the neck! Officer Silva is backing into a corner! Tiffany, you O.K.? No problem. That red sweater you're wearing is a beauty, Coach. Do they make it in your size? Oooh, he came very close to heaving the plant that time! He takes a huge bite out of the rhododendron instead! He's purple now in the face and hands! And is that...? It is! We have a facial tic! The right eye is twitching involuntarily! You know, I just don't care. I don't. From what I've been told, this man has been screaming since he came to Indiana. He's yelled at everybody on our staff! He just has no respect for anyone! Tiffany? Sorry. O.K., Coach Knight, have you decided yet which team you'll get creamed by in the first round of the NCAAs this year, or would you like to play that by ear? A low blow there, and Knight is doubled over! No, wait! He's going for the chair! He's going to heave it! But the poodle has him by the pant cuff! Now he's screaming into a vase! That's not a violation, but we're getting close! Now Officer Silva uses his key to leave the booth! Uh-oh, he left the door ajar! Now Tiffany's moving toward it! Coach, with this "zero tolerance" thing, it looks like your school's president is setting you up for one last giant embarrassment. So, my question is, if firing is inevitable, why not sit back and enjoy it? That's it! That's it! I've never seen someone lose it quite like this! For god's sake, somebody fire the tranquilizer gun! Not at Knight, you morons! At Tiffany! She's going to reposition the poor bastard to death!
Issue date: May 29, 2000
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