|
 |   |
|
EVENTS Fantasy Central Inside Game Video Plus Statitudes Your Turn Message Boards Email Newsletters Golf Guide Cities 
CNNSI.com GROUP
COMMERCE
|  |
Major League Torture
Have something to say about Reilly's musings? Click here to submit a comment. And don't miss "The Life of Reilly" -- a best-of compilation of Rick Reilly's columns and features (Total/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, $22.95) available this November at bookstores everywhere.
For reasons that scientists don't fully understand, there are still a few humans in this country who watch baseball games on television from start to finish, without the use of restraints, amphetamines or toothpicks. Personally, for pure excitement, I rank watching baseball on TV just below fungus sculpture and the new 12-part PBS documentary on gout. "That's because you haven't watched playoff baseball," the seamheads say. "You gotta watch a playoff game." So I did. I watched every minute of Game 2 of last week's Oakland Athletics-New York Yankees Division Series. From the first pitch to the last. Without being under house arrest. I had a stopwatch, a notepad and a VCR. The Yankees won 4-0. This is what I saw. Close-ups of Yankees manager Joe Torre: 66. Close-ups of Torre staring straight ahead: 28. Close-ups of Torre spitting: 3. Close-ups of Torre nodding: 2. Close-ups of Torre spitting and nodding: 1. Close-ups of Torre wiping his nose: 1. Close-ups of Torre having a notion to pick his nose but thinking better of it: 1. Close-ups of Torre burping: 2. Close-ups of Torre adjusting his hat: 2. Close-ups of Torre staring at the ground, muttering to coach Don Zimmer, staring at his coffee cup, sipping from a water bottle or -- can you stand the tension! -- talking on the dugout phone: 26. Close-ups of others adjusting their hats or helmets: 64. Close-ups of others adjusting their groins: Slightly more than your average four-hour Limp Bizkit concert. Close-ups of others spitting, including umpires: 53. Close-ups of Yankees bench warmer Jose Canseco, who doesn't actually play the game anymore: 7. Close-ups of Yankees second baseman Chuck Knoblauch, who wasn't in the game either, digging in his ear in the manner of a flophouse beagle: 1. Activity I wished I were doing instead of watching baseball on TV: Milking sick yaks in Tibet. Total replays: 83. Replays of batters swinging and missing: 9. Replays of batters not swinging: 19. Shots of nobody warming up in the A's bullpen: 1. Number of exciting shots of this sort that could be shown to feeble-hearted nonagenarians without any risk of endangering them: 1,480,203. Number of replays you'd have time to show of one play in an NFL game, even if a wide receiver was hit going up for a pass and spit out his pancreas into a nearby tuba: 3. Minutes to play the first half-inning: 18. Hours the average game would take if every half-inning took that long: 5 1/2. Times Yankees first baseman Tino Martinez stepped out of the box and took four or five practice swings: every freaking pitch. What you'd do if you were playing golf with Martinez and he did that before every shot: Shackle yourself to a golf cart and drive to the bottom of a water hazard. Time of the average regular-season game in baseball this season: 3:01. Increase over two seasons ago: nine minutes. Time of average playoff game this year: 3:28. Number of kids I've heard of, 18 and under, who watch baseball on TV: 1. Percentage of boys who'd rather the coolest kid in school see them with their mom in JCPenney's lingerie section than watch baseball on TV: 99. Number of generations baseball is losing by playing games too slow too late at night: at least one, going on two. Time of this A's-Yankees game: 3 hours, 15 minutes. Time the baseball was actually in play, including pitches, batted balls, foul balls, pickoff attempts, relays, throws to bases and anything else even Bob Costas might consider actual sporting activity (and I was being generous with the stopwatch): 12 minutes, 22 seconds. Percentage of time that the ball wasn't in play: 94. Percentage of time my cerebrum wasn't in play: 94. Number of baseball players crushed by unexpected fiery chunk of Planet Zorbig hurtling to earth: Not nearly enough. Times I plan on watching baseball on TV ever again: 0. Issue date: October 16, 2000 Don't miss "The Life of Reilly" -- a best-of compilation of Rick Reilly's columns and features (Total/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, $22.95) available this November at bookstores everywhere. Have something to say about Reilly's musings? Click here to submit a comment.
| ||||||||||||||||||||
